riding the big roller coaster...

[hopeinwaiting]

Journaling: Got home last night at around 6:30. H had just gotten home with the girls. He was moody. I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner, "oh, I'm not really hungry" (think to myself-Oh really, on your birthday...so you have either just gotten back from eating with OW or you have plans for a late dinner with OW).

He thanked me for the fossil. He really liked it - I said no problem, its from the girls. We talked a little about work while I got the girls grilled cheese sandwiches. He kept telling me about this one problem child in his class who acts out and I just kept thinking that's you bud.

After dinner we went outside and he commented on the fact that I'm smoking (I unfortunately started when he left- ironic since this was one of our M problems... I hated that he smoked, I had quit many years ago and I could not understand why he didn't quit). At any rate, his comment about smoking was weird b/c he said, well as long as you are not on birth control...are you on bc? (Now, he's had a vasc. and I haven't been on bc since 2001). I said no. I shouldn't even wonder why he asked since it makes no difference, but I just wonder if he is trying to feel me out about dating so that he can file D and have less guilt about the whole thing.

Then, outside, he turns to me and asks "why didn't you call me this morning" (for his birthday). I said, "I called this afternoon and left a voice mail". I hugged him and said happy birthday and that I was sorry that he didn't want to go out to dinner with me and the girls...I was going to take him to a new restaurant that just opened. He said "why didn't you tell me". I said, "I assumed you had a late dinner planned". He said "no, just beans and cheese at home". He tucked in the girls and stuck around until 9:00 before saying he was tired and went home.

Not too bad, except that by 9:30, I was a little tipsy and I called his cell phone to tell him cheers and happy birthday...well, he didn't answer. Guess he was with OW breaking his wedding vows.

SIGH...

[steady]

I shouldn't even wonder why he asked since it makes no difference, but I just wonder if he is trying to feel me out about dating so that he can file D and have less guilt about the whole thing.

You were right in the first part of that sentence and you should have stopped there. The wondering is a waste of your mental space and energy. There could be a million reasons why he asked, or no real reason at all. The thing I find so fascinating, and so many people do it (me included but I'm working on it) is we seem to choose the 'guess' that's most painful for us. Maybe he's hoping you aren't dating, or maybe he was just filling in conversation, or maybe it's the reason you said, or maybe.. (a million different things)

And yes, he's going to try to find things to assuage his guilt. Just don't give him any reason...let him feel the full impact of his own mind.

[hopeinwaiting]

@Steady, thanks. I am working hard on the big ole stop sign in my head when these sorts of things pop up.

So H had the girls this weekend. I went shopping and then a happy hour and then out dancing with friends. Lots of fun, flirting and a good time to be had by all. Didn't get home until after 1:00 am.

Called H at 8:00 to say goodnight to the girls - He could hear that I was out. He was at a mutual friend's house (couples friends). The friend's wife and I had coffee on Sunday and she proceeded to tell me that H is still confused, doesn't know what he wants. H started to cry when he told them "I'm breaking up my family"...blah, blah, blah.

When H dropped off the girls, things were as usual. He did stick around for 20 minutes or so. Had a beer and chatted. Interesting, since I know yesterday was OW's birthday. But, alas... who cares.

So, today I went to my IC. He said something interesting that I need to think about. I need to try and make sure that our relationship throughout this separation not have the same dynamic that it did while we were M.

So, I was the caretaker, the one who "tried" for both of us. I need to stop that and that will take much more detaching.

[steady]

@Steady, thanks. I am working hard on the big ole stop sign in my head when these sorts of things pop up.

I know it's a hard thing to get down. Repetitions is the only way I've found that works. It's hard as hell to keep the focus on ourselves in these situations. For the most part most of us have a certain amount of unhealthy entanglement in our relationships that need to get unspun.

So H had the girls this weekend. I went shopping and then a happy hour and then out dancing with friends. Lots of fun, flirting and a good time to be had by all. Didn't get home until after 1:00 am.

GAL is great. Keep doing it.

Called H at 8:00 to say goodnight to the girls - He could hear that I was out. He was at a mutual friend's house (couples friends). The friend's wife and I had coffee on Sunday and she proceeded to tell me that H is still confused, doesn't know what he wants. H started to cry when he told them "I'm breaking up my family"...blah, blah, blah.

So he's confused and feeling guilty. That's a good thing. Don't put any stock on it though. That's his mess to work through. You have your own to deal with.

When H dropped off the girls, things were as usual. He did stick around for 20 minutes or so. Had a beer and chatted. Interesting, since I know yesterday was OW's birthday. But, alas... who cares.

You care. Otherwise it wouldn't even be an event in your mind. It's important to stay genuine to your true thoughts and feelings. Don't gloss over them because you think you 'shouldn't' feel or think a certain way. Anyone in your shoes would feel exactly as you do. If it pisses you off, say that here. If it makes you sad, jealous, etc... say it here - otherwise you're just driving the feeling deeper into yourself where it will get lodged in and pop up at another time. It's like a cancer that will grow.

So, today I went to my IC. He said something interesting that I need to think about. I need to try and make sure that our relationship throughout this separation not have the same dynamic that it did while we were M.

So, I was the caretaker, the one who "tried" for both of us. I need to stop that and that will take much more detaching.

Bingo. That freakin 10 letter word - detachment. It's key. When you find it, you will find your peace.

I get it and lose it, get it and lose it, right now I'm in a 'I've lost it' phase for the past 2 days. I need it back...lol

You sound good. Just keep moving forward.

[ClingingToHope]

Hope,

Here are the top five needs for women vs. men

Women
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openess
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Men
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companion
3. Attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

You can see why so many marriages struggle. Women want affection to get in the mood for sex. Men need sex to feel affectionate. So to be happy they have to meet somewhere in the middle.

Women need to talk and men need a spouse who will take an interest in their hobbies or interests.

Women need to be able to trust their husbands. Husbands want a spouse who continues to take care of their appearance.

Of my W's five top needs, I was probably filling 1.5 of them. Of my top five needs, she was filling two of them.

The book, I haven't read it, this came from the pastor, says that all five of the needs have to be met or else the marriage is in danger of infidelity because the needs are so powerful the spouse may go outside the marriage to fill them.
_____________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken

My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...192#Post1837192

[hopeinwaiting]

Thanks Steady, have to be true to my feelings - even when they change hourly

@CTH- thanks for the post. I need to look into some more info on the differences b/w men and women. I think I'm going to buy the 5 love languages.

Journaling: Had my coaching session on Friday night, went pretty well, but I since I'm pretty dark with H.. don't know how things can possibly changes unless OW is out of the picture. I will nevertheless do my homework and try and implement some of her recommendations. I went out dancing Saturday night and am having fun flirting with guys so that's good, I guess. It just scares me to have to enter the dating world maybe one day - but I guess I don't have to if I don't want to.

As far as H, he has called every night since I asked him why he wasn't calling to say goodnight to the girls. Even called my mom's on Saturday since I was out and the kids were with her.

I did a bad thing today and checked his bank account. He is negative $50. The man is not managing his resources very well. He doesn't get paid until the end of the month and now I'm worried that he may stop giving me money for his portion of the girls tuition. I'll try and let that go for now.

I asked H to switch nights with me this week so that I can go to a game night (he only sees the girls 1 x during the week). So, the next time I will see him is Wednesday... hmmm, need to dress nice that day and flirt with my guy friends some more.

[hopeinwaiting]

So last night had a game night at a friend's house. Called H from there to say goodnight to the girls. Had flirty conversation and he seemed curious about my whereabouts etc.

On another note, my friend (who is going through a divorce) gave me some information on divorce on 2 CDs. I put this info in my purse and when I got home at 11:15, H was asleep on the couch. I went outside to smoke (1st of the day - I'm finally quitting) and when when I came back inside, H was snoring on the couch. Well, when H left (after a hug and "accidentally" brushing up against my chest) I noticed that my cell phone was on the counter... did H look and see how often I talk to my friend (a guy)? or did H see the silly text that guy sent me last night? don't know...BUT more importantly, the Divorce CD's were out of my purse.... AHHHHH did he see them and think I'm about to file?

Well, I called my friend in a panic and he suggested that I call H and ask if he had been in my purse. I did. H said no and promised he had not looked in my purse. He then called back and said, "well, now that I think about it, your alarm wasn't on and the back door was unlocked when we got there" (now what that has to do with my purse that I just brought home, I dunno). I said nothing was missing, all's well and never mind. At any rate, I could hear another person in the background messing with dishes (OW)- ARRRGHHHH. So, now I guess I just drop it and hope he didn't see the CDs.

BTW, I'm getting a "glimpse" of the dating world through my friend and his adventures and I can tell you I DON'T LIKE IT. Hope not to have to go there.

[Stronger]

You are doing great...the patience of the century award goes to YOU!

[hopeinwaiting]

So yesterday I had on a cute skirt and tall black boots. I was complimented by at least 3 guys. When I got home, my H was with the girls... didn't even notice me. So tiring...

But I do have a ?

I looked in H's account this morning and it is negative $90. He must have changed the settings and the email alert now must be going to a different email account so I couldn't delete it and he will surely know that I looked in his acct.

? #1 - What do I say about snooping (my best attempt is to tell him that I am completing last year's taxes finally and needed some info).

? #2 - Do I offer him $$$ to cover the negative (when my making more money and "controlling" the finances in our relationship was an issue)

[Forrest Gump]

"So yesterday I had on a cute skirt and tall black boots. I was complimented by at least 3 guys. When I got home, my H was with the girls... didn't even notice me. So tiring..."

But in the scheme of things.. why does this matter? Maybe he did notice and just consciously made an effort not to say or act upon it. In the end you got 3 compliments. Sometimes the approval we seek.. makes us look "needy" to the people we hold close. From a reader's (perspective) you even admitted that it was tiring and was a let down to you. What if that is what he "see's" all the time? Those guys on the street just saw a smiling "hot chick". They did not see the "hot chick" that was dealing with a WAH. Changing the perception of the WAS is an outcome to DB'ing.. not the "goal". I am playing the devils advocate here somewhat.

"? #1 - What do I say about snooping (my best attempt is to tell him that I am completing last year's taxes finally and needed some info)."

If you want an honest answer.. you tell him the truth as to why you were looking. If you feel foolish telling him why then that may discourage you from doing it in the future.

"? #2 - Do I offer him $$$ to cover the negative (when my making more money and "controlling" the finances in our relationship was an issue)"

Not unless he asks for it. Just by looking you have still given him that "controlling" reinforcement. Or, if you really wanna be crafty go put some money in just because you want to. Do it once his balance is back positive. Do it because you want to.. not because it makes you look good.

You can test peoples issues with you to see if they are truly the REAL issue. If you were "controlling" the most obvious thing to do is become "un-controlling" and see what reaction it gets. 9 times out of 10 when you do that you will get the "that is fake/not real" response from them. So now you have defined what was controlling and what was fake.. or the two extremes. Now find the middle ground. What you may find is that the middle ground was where you should have been all the time.

I have not read thru your stitch.. but I will see if I can catch up.