Journaling: Sunday evening: Girls and I went to church in the morning. D5 enjoys Sunday school. I had planned on going to a festival with the girls after church, but D5 said she would rather just stay home. Strange for her to want to do that, but I was fine with it. That gave me a chance to really clean up the house. I really wanted to make it nice to show W that I can maintain myself without her. Girls played outside with some neighbor friends while I did the cleaning.
I was anxious for much of the day as I did not know how the dinner and movie would go with W, but I was looking forward to it. When she arrived, it was a little awkward, but friendly. She came over to help cook, so we got right to it. I had little individual wines in the refrigerator, she helped herself to one and it quickly felt like old times. I started chopping peppers and she started on the onions: M: “So did you learn anything new this weekend?” W: <laughs> M: “Why are you laughing?” W: “You are always asking that now and I am learning so much.” M: “OK.” W: “I had a great meditation session this morning.” M: “That’s good. At church?” W: “No. Just on my own.” The conversation drifts into how she has been getting a lot of time to meditate and getting better at it. W: “So did you learn anything new this weekend?” M: Jokingly - “Wait, I don’t think you ever answered my question. Did you learn anything new this weekend? We got off on a tangent” W: “Well, at first I wondered why I invited myself over here today. But I am glad I did. I was looking forward to coming.” M: “You didn’t invite yourself. You had an open invitation. And I was looking forward to it too.” W: <smiles> W: “So what did you learn this weekend?” M: <think a little> “I learned that I still have fun playing spoons.” I then explain what Spoons is and how it is played.
Dinner was good. It was the first time we spent dinner as a family since the separation. It was kind of quiet and a little awkward. Much of the conversation included the girls.
After dinner we all laid down on the floor to watch “Marley & Me”. This was the common Sunday night tradition when we were together as a family. It was a good movie and really relevant to some of the problems we had as parents when the girls were younger. I could tell my W was getting emotional. Truthfully, I was too. It is a very good “benefits of family” movie. I didn’t get it because of that (I thought it was more of a comedy), but it was definitely a good movie for us. The movie was long, so it ended well past the girl’s bedtime. M: “OK. Girls time for bed.” D3: “Is mommy sleeping here?” M: “No.” W: “But I can help put you to bed.” D3: “I want mommy to sleep here.” D5: “That was not a good movie. It had a sad ending. Good movies don’t have sad endings.” M: “Sometimes they do.”
W puts D3 to sleep as I help D5 into bed. W comes in and starts helping with D5 as well.
D5: “Mommy, I want you to sleep here. I want you to move back.” – starts crying
I walk out of room, W is whispering to D5 while D5 continues to plead with W to stay. I felt uncomfortable upstairs, so I walk back down. W comes down, I assume to leave, so I get up.
W: “D5 wanted a glass of water.” W pours a glass of water, I walk back upstairs with W. We both walk into D5s room again. D5 continues pleading, we both say goodnight. I walk out first, W continues to comfort D5. When W exits room, she is visibly upset. I offer her a hug and she immediately begins sobbing on my shoulder. This goes on for what seems like a couple of minutes.
M: “Let’s sit down.” I walk her back to my bed.
D5: “Daddy, will please come lie down with me. I can’t sleep.” M: “I’ll be right back, let me go talk to D5.”
I go back to D5’s room and lie down next to her. She starts off a conversation. D5: “Daddy.” M: “Yes” D5: “Why do you and mommy talk like friends” M: “What do you mean?” D5: “I wish you were more normal, like friend Y’s parents” M: “How are friend Y parents different?” D5: “I wish you were more like the way you used to be. You know more like parents; not friends” M: “OK” D5: “Mommy said that she will move back someday.” M: “She did?” D5: “Yes” …
A short time later, D5 is calmed down and nearly asleep. I walk back to my room where W is lying down on the bed. I lie down next to her; she looks at me and begins to cry again. W: “I am so sorry.” I don’t remember this conversation very well at all. I know there was a lot of crying, we hugged, and held hands. W: “You know I love you. I love you so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thinking of you. I miss you. I miss our family.” M: “I love you too.” W: “I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” M: “Yes.” W: “Do you think we can ever be together again?” M: “Yes. Marriage counseling would be the first step. Would you be willing to do that?” W: “Yes.” I lean over to kiss her. She grabs the back of my head and it quickly becomes much more passionate. At first I go along with it, but then stop and pull away. M: “No. Not now. It’s not time.” W: “You’re right.” M: “Not that I wouldn’t” W stops me by zipping her lips. W: “You’re right.”
The conversation continues till about 12:30. I walk her out to the car where we say goodnight with a kiss.
Looking back, I backslid here. But she did make a very large step in agreeing to MC. As of now she has turned from trying to find a way out of the marriage to recommitting to save it.
