In-house Separation - Need advice on my DBing

[aflowergurlie]

Friday - I made plans to go to my brother's girlfriends house for the night as i figured H would do his usual routine of being gone all weekend - he never tells me when he is going to be gone, how long he will be gone for, or where he is going and I don't ask anymore - at the beginning of all this he texted me and left a couple notes the first few times when he was gone and said he would either be staying at his brothers (an hour away) or "elsewhere" - then he didn't call or text one night and i flipped out and called him and texted him all night long - he finally texted me in the morning that he was fine and had drank too much and it got too late to drive home - soon after that, in one of our R talks he told me that he didn't want to have to be dependent on me or me to be dependent on him, and so now i just never ask (a 180 for me) - anyways, i was in my room with door closed getting packed and ready to go - had a new dress that i wanted an opinion on - heard outside of room that H was home - went out to living room and called his name, he came out - he had just gotten out of shower and was in towel only - my heart started beating out of my chest having to see him like that and not being able to touch him or do anything else with him - before i could even say anything to him he says to me "Wow, you look really nice!" - I said "Thank you!" cheerfully - then asked if the dress looked okay, i was unsure of a few areas - he asked me to turn around twice and checked me out - said Yes, it looks really good - then as I was walking away back to my room H made a comment that it made my boobs look huge and makes you just want to put your face in them (he has not ventured with any of this type of talk or comments like this since May; which is also very difficult because he used to say stuff like this and we would be very affectionate with each other all the time) - i laughed playfully and went in my room and shut the door to keep getting ready - 5 mins later he knocks on my door - says "Ok, my turn now, how do i look?" - he looked freaking fantastic - had jeans on with nice shirt and smelled great - i told him he looked great - then he asked me to roll him with the lint brush roller - so i did - then went back in my room and closed the door - the tears started streaming down my face (i haven't cried in a while) at the reality of the situation - i have no idea where he is going, how long he will be gone, who he is going to be with - he doesn't know/ask anything about me and where i will be wearing that dress to or for or who i will be with - two separate lives, colliding for a few short minutes in niceties to each other just like old normal times, like we should be getting ready to go somewhere together, not like this - made me miss him and ache so bad inside - allowed myself to have my moment and then pulled myself together - i heard him leave before i came back out of my bedroom - i finished getting ready and packed and left - had a great night hanging out/going out; but of course, he never leaves my thoughts, is always lingering there in the background no matter what it is that i'm doing or trying to distract myself with.

I was gone all day Saturday - got home around 10pm - no H - Sunday i was gone in the am - got home around 1pm - still no H -phone rings around 1:30 and it's H - shocked, as he has never called or texted me when he has been "away" - contemplated just letting it go to voicemail, but then decided to answer - I say "Hello." He says "Hey! (very enthusiastically) I said Hey! back cheerfully. He says "What are you doing?" I said "I just got home." (I wished I could have thought faster because I was getting ready to leave to go the beach and should have said that, but oh well.) He says "oh ok good - need you to go in office and get password off a login list for a website - he says he can't remember password" - so i go and give him the information - then he says thank you and i said no problem, bye, and hung up. - Don't know what to make of this - he could have very easily just texted me or even just clicked on the remember password link on the website - but I left for afternoon and evening - got home around 10 pm last night - still no H - last weekend was a first where H didn't come home on Sunday night, but on Monday morning before work to get showered and then go to work - that happened again this weekend - i didn't see him this morning (i was still in my room, but heard when he came home and left this morning) - he didn't come home for lunch today either & he has been coming home for lunch everyday for the past couple months - don't know what to make of these new things? - hate having to read everything and try and make sense of it all....