See you've had some challenging times since you posted on the 16th. I'm sorry I couldn't chime in sooner but was away in Pittsburgh on business and then right into Retrouvaille weekend. It's funny though...what I would've said to you prior to the weekend and what I am going to say now is pretty different. I guess that might be an indication of how much change can come out of the weekend. I will post about the weekend later tonight on my theard (H w/1 foot out the door in Newcomers).
First, I'm beginning to think that my husband is in MLC. I believe that me leaving, couupled with a shakey at best sense of self esteem is what set it off. I am not blaming myself in anyway, I'm just saying that I believe these were the triggers.
He, like your W is very, very confused. Right now, I know he is staying because of his greater sense of obligation as a father. Before this weekend I found every reason to be upset with that. My sense of pride mostly. I had the thought that if I wasn't a reason for staying and I wasn't getting what I needed....that's it. Actually the reason I became a WAW was because I was so horribly ignored, pushed aside, trampled on, passed over, etc. I couldn't take it. It was utterly and completely unacceptable to me and it made me feel so horrible about myself that, at times, I couldn't breath. I deserved better and I was going to get better..period. Once I moved out, realized the impact on my daughter and realized how un-Christian I as being I came back. I never came back for him. I knew I as coming back to the same man I left. Actually, I was coming back to worse. He had now had a physical affair, was telling me he wanted a divorce and told me he didn't love me and there was no hope at least twice a day. I still came back. Why? Because I love him. I mean, really, really love him. I am trying to love him as God loves me. Unconditionally...when I take his name in vain, ignore him, curse at him, don't believe in him, question his motives and deny his existance. My God loves me no matter what I do and he wants me to love all people the same way...including my husband. Now, please don't think I"m comparing myself to God but I really am doing my best to keep this in the forefront of my mind while working on my marriage. Also don't think this is some holier than thow speech...it's not..I'm just telling you how I'm dealing with my spouses rollercoaster behavior. No matter what is going on, I act loving. Sometimes that might mean that I have to give space and walk away. Sometimes that might mean that I have to listen to things that are hurtful and not react. Does this mean that I'm being a doormat? No. Here is an example....(H)"Gina, I am giving you all I have. To be honest, I rather be with anyone else, somewhere else doing something else. You are the last person on earth that I want to be with..but I'm here" (me)" You have told me how unconnected you are and expressed how hard it is to be here for you. I appreciate that conflict and the stress it must cause you. But,Honey, I need to ask you to do me a favor if you can. I would appreciate it if you stopped telling me. I hear you, I understand and I get it. Really, I do. Continually telling me is extremely hurtful and I know that isn't your intention. So, before you say something like this next time, just remember that I understand and it's very, very hurtful to me." Since I have said that, the only time that I've heard anything even remotely close to this was this past weekend. There is a quote that I heard and it goes "The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can't possibly doubt that you love them.". In my response, he knew he was heard and my response was loving and firm. Now, many would say I was being a doormat but I completely disagree.
I want you to look at something a bit differently. Your W wants to leave...wants the pain to stop and is still there. Do you have a clue how hard that is for her? I know you've changed and you are this great guy now but she is scared and also fighting for what she sees is her sense of pride. She is so confused and so conflicted...BUT...she is still there. She hasn't served you with papers, she hasn't even moved out. She is still there and, despite what you think, doing the best she is capable of doing right now. Remember, she hasn't been working on herself and getting all these insights like you. She's running blind. That's her choice but you also have to realize that is a big difference between the two of you right now. My husband has to answer a question this weekend that said "I need your help specifically in the area of________". He was to answer the question asking me for help. He asked me to be patient and love him unconditionally while he decided if he wants to love me or not. When I read that, I thought that I was going to vomit. I thought we were past that. He is wearing a wedding ring again, he tells me he loves me in the morning, etc. I realized I'm not really alot further than I was before. I had to respond and I did so with as much love as I possibly could muster. We were leaving the room and we got down to the conference room and I brought him a coffe...after that...I brought him coffee and some snacks. He looked at me, kissed me and held my hand. That was the first time we had physical contact alll weekend. I can't help but think that my calm, loving, strong response helped that kiss come to the surface. I wasn't being a doormat, I was being his wife, the one who said in her vows "I want to join myself with you because you thank God for me and you are someone for whom I thank God. That love I was showing was God's love coming through me to him. It was hard to do but felt soooo good at the same time. I felt pure and clean and holy. I know that's deep and kinda corny but it's true.
I have to get back to work but...I'm here for ya buddy. I'm right where you are trying to stay afloat in a sea of pretty icky stuff. I'm lucky that I have God as my floatation device. If you are on FaceBook let me know. We can chat more.
I am very proud of you by the way, know why? Cuz you haven't given up. You're still there too..duking it out, fighting the good fight. {{{{hugs to you}}}}}
Take good care and God bless you.
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
Danny my boy!! Just wanted to let you know I'm here and thinking about you. It's ok if you don't feel like posting. Just wanted to show you some support.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Great post Gina - this was the inspiration that I needed today! I continue to stand and trust in Him.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
