Hello all, This is the first time I have done anything like this on a website. That is how desperate I feel. I am looking for some help fomr those of you with experience.
Here is my story.
My W and I have been married over 16 years and have 4 children. Our marriage was great in so many ways over the years. About 3 years ago my wife was upset at me for not listening to her which led her to stand up for herself. She denounced her previous religious beliefs and quit attending church with the family. At that time she was also calling an old male friend who lived a distance away. She adamantly has denied any EA and PA.
Things have been rough making adjustments over the past 3 years but about 6 weeks ago she went totally cold on me. No more intimacy, no kissing, hugging, etc.. When I asked what I had done she become angry and said it was not me. I, like I typicaly do, "pursued, and kept asking. That is when I got the ILYBIANILWY. I was devastated and still am.
Fortunately I found the DR book and began putting 180's into practice. I started with by not texting her or calling her during the day, no touching her or trying to giver her a kiss. After about 3 days she actually layed her head on my shoulder in bed. The next day she walked up to me and gave me a kiss on the lips and then kissed my head later that day. I thought things were headed the right way but she has since gone cold again.
I know I should not feel this way but I feel like I am physically disgusting to her. She has told me that she gets her affection from the kids and it is obviuous that she does not need physical contact with me.
We have not been intimate in at least 6 weeks and there is no sign that it will ever happen again. That breaks my heart.
I know I have contributed to this because I am "needy", needing reassurance that she loves me, that she finds me attractive, that I am a good lover, etc.. She is tired of trying to reassure me.
Although I contributed I do not want this M to end in a D or a S. I want to be loved. I look in her eyes now and I cannot believe how much I love her, even though there is no reciprocation. She adamantly denies any A or MLC.
I need to know there is hope that she can love me again, that she can make love with me again, that we can find new joy. i cannot seem to feel that hope since she is so cold with me.
please help. I cnanot afford a DB coach right now.
Man I really feel for you. I am like you in the affection and needy dept. I think the toughest thing for you to do right now is to give that up. I kept it up to long and it pushed her farther away.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
I do not know if my W wants to D now but when I did a Google search today for divorce busting, other divorce topics came up as if they have been searchd on the computer before (I am not sure). If the topics only show if previously searched, she has lloked at Divorce papers, divorce advice, divorce tips, etc.. That makes me feel sick to my stomach as I am willing to do what I need to do to save the marriage. I do not want top give up!!!! I just can't answer for her.
I need to know there is hope that she can love me again, that she can make love with me again, that we can find new joy. i cannot seem to feel that hope since she is so cold with me.
There is hope.
Quote:
I know I have contributed to this because I am "needy", needing reassurance that she loves me, that she finds me attractive, that I am a good lover, etc.. She is tired of trying to reassure me.
Read up on "co-dependence"
Start working out.
Confidence is the antidote.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do not know if my W wants to D now but when I did a Google search today for divorce busting, other divorce topics came up as if they have been searchd on the computer before (I am not sure). If the topics only show if previously searched, she has lloked at Divorce papers, divorce advice, divorce tips, etc..
Don't worry about that. Google does that for any topic that anybody searches for. As you type, it quickly tries to find matches to help you out. It has no connection to anything your wife has been doing.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It is so hard to have confidence when she knows how much I am hurting by her lack of love for me and all she can say is, "I'm sorry". She also will no longer undress in front of me or show me any signs of affection. I am in the best physical condition I have been in years but she cannot even compliment my looks. There seems to be a complete emotional and physical disconnect. I will keep working on my confidence though. Thanks Coach.
Just trying to get used to the not calling her, not telling her I Love her, not kissing her,etc.. That feels so wrong but from what I have read here, that is what i need to do. It just seems that it is playing into what she wants and supporting what she wants from me....Nothing..... GGgrrhhh.
Focus for now ONLY on doing what YOU need to do to make YOU the best, most confident MAN possible.
If you don't have them yet, get and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Hold on to your N.U.T.S." Once you have finished those (and probably read them again) there are others.
Get your confidence back, for yourself. Start working out. Go out with the guys. Start spending a small amount of $ on yourself - get yourself new clothes, a haircut, etc. There is a whole list, but I am sure you know what you need to do to be able to say "I am me, I like myself, I take care of myself"
This isn't selfishness - this is standing on your own two feet.
You aren't alone here - there are a lot of us who are or were in your shoes in one form or another.
I was - 9 months ago.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
