As far as the "husband thing" - my W and I have been separated for 3 years - she has enjoyed an affair for about 6 months. She says it is legitimate because we aren't "married" anymore.
Last month our kids started school, and we took them together, and she introduced as the "Jonf" family. Guess what? It's not our relationship miraculously healing! As a matter of fact, her face looked real funny as she said.
If I could go back 6 months, and even better 3 years, the cool detachment is unbelievably successful, especially in the face of an affair. I believe I depart from DB advice - wherein they say to be the 'better choice', but I've yet to hear of anyone where that worked!
Again, I've been separated three years, and have BEGGED my W for a dissolution, divorce, etc, and I can't get her to do it, and I'm convinced it's because she looks at OM, and she looks at being responsible for herself, and both scare her to death!
Now, I know detachment is hard - especially living in the same house, but that's where finding things to do comes in - I began exercising, found a ping-pong club, started working really hard on the landscaping - taking kids bowling, joined a small group in my church. I barely had a night free - I don't suggest that this is a long-term solution, but it's great to keep your perspective, and fight off those rock-in-the-pit-of-the-stomach feelings.
