He is home from Ca and took the whole family out to dinner and has been very friendly and into what the kids and i did yesterday. I am guessing maybe this double life thing is working for him right now and that is why he is friendly. Am I right? I don't know what steps to take at this point. I am asking for help from SANDI or PUPPY. Please chime in. Do I proceed forward with a lawyer or do I tell the kids about what he has been doing and that is why I am moving forward, or what do I do at this point??? Please give me advice.
What small signs are you talking about? The things I pointed out to you are not what I'm seeing as "signs". These are things that you have tried to convince yourself is going on....but it is not any signs that I can tell. Him introducing you as his wife is not what I would call a sign that he's coming around. My gosh, that is what a H is suppose to do! How else could he have introduced you? Plus, he was going to be nice to you in front of a crowd watching. He was going to keep up the image! And, I honestly don't see anything else that was a "positive" b/c look how he treated you when he left for the airport. He gave you all that information about the guy's phone numbers, but that was a cover up. You just wanted to think he was coming around b/c you are trying to fool yourself.
I'm not telling you he's never coming around. Where did you see that? But, it may be a very long time and a lot of it may depend on what the OW does toward him. I'm not telling you to give up, but I'm trying to get you to see this for what it is. See the reality and stop kidding yourself. Detaching is not giving up. You need to understand that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not quite sure what it is you're looking for. Go back to your question for advice on the 16th, and my reply to you, and then the excuses you made to my reply. Ditto to Sandi's suggestions.
I think you're wanting someone to tell you what you want to hear, rather than dealing with what you DON'T want to hear. It's perfectly understandable -- it's human nature -- but it's not going to help you.
As far as the "husband thing" - my W and I have been separated for 3 years - she has enjoyed an affair for about 6 months. She says it is legitimate because we aren't "married" anymore.
Last month our kids started school, and we took them together, and she introduced as the "Jonf" family. Guess what? It's not our relationship miraculously healing! As a matter of fact, her face looked real funny as she said.
If I could go back 6 months, and even better 3 years, the cool detachment is unbelievably successful, especially in the face of an affair. I believe I depart from DB advice - wherein they say to be the 'better choice', but I've yet to hear of anyone where that worked!
Again, I've been separated three years, and have BEGGED my W for a dissolution, divorce, etc, and I can't get her to do it, and I'm convinced it's because she looks at OM, and she looks at being responsible for herself, and both scare her to death!
Now, I know detachment is hard - especially living in the same house, but that's where finding things to do comes in - I began exercising, found a ping-pong club, started working really hard on the landscaping - taking kids bowling, joined a small group in my church. I barely had a night free - I don't suggest that this is a long-term solution, but it's great to keep your perspective, and fight off those rock-in-the-pit-of-the-stomach feelings.
I missed your posts about him coming home from CA. Don't know how I did that except I was in a hurry and was trying to reply to what I thought you had misunderstood. Anyway, I would not get too excited about his good mood right now, nor would I think about about finding a lawyer unless you feel that you need to protect your rights as the LBW.
K, I think you are really confused about what you need to do and therefore, I don't think you need to do anything right now, okay? When folks don't know "what" to do....then they need to do nothing, IMHO.
I don't want to sound as if I'm saying anything negative against the DB Coaches, but it seems that it really threw you off balance when you were told to allow your H to stay in the house. Based on what your post said, you were expecting to have him leave. I think all the "advice" has you confused as to what to do.
Let me ask you something. What do you really want to do? You said you had asked him to leave, but he didn't want to. Did you do this b/c you thought that is what a W should do when she is told what your H has told you.....or is that what you truly desired? You just seemed so surprised that the Coach advised you to let him stay.
If you feel that you cannot endure living under the same roof while he's having an affair.....then I don't think you should force yourself. If you don't want to S, then there are ways to coop with a WAH. That is what we've been trying to do....is tell you how to coop under these conditions, but I think you've been so upset that you might be misunderstanding some of what is said.
I would advise you to just try to settle down as much as you can and take a day at a time. Don't rush into any decisions right now. Continue to post and tell us what's going on and how you are feeling. Read other people's threads. You'll be surprised how many are in the same boat.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thank you for your reply. You are right I am very confused right now. You asked what do I really want? That seems to change on a daily basis. Most days I want my family intact and want to get on with healing our marriage relationship. Some days I feel I can't handle living like this anymore where there is pleasant conversation about nothing and dealing with the kids together and then we go to separate beds with no hug goodnite--which is a killer to me because I am a very physical person. He tells me he does not know how to communicate with me and so I think to my self how can I strike up small conversation just so we can talk and I can't even think of anything to talk about. How do I learn how to communicate so he feels he can talk to me? My coach tells me about reflective listening but I guess I suck at that. My problem is that all of this seems to be a game to me and I hate playing games. I just like to get it all out on the table and deal with it and figure ways to learn new tools and make things better. I've always been told to run to trouble, not turn away from it and I feel this is turning away from it and I feel my H may feel I am giving up and giving him permission to continue to grow apart. Maybe that is my own insecurity. I want to ask my H why he is still here when I told him to go and move out and let me go if that is what he wants--he won't do it. So I want to know what is holding him back--unless he sees there could be a chance of us reconnecting somehow and so I just want to get that out on the table. I know you all say this will never work. I am just trying to get into that mind frame.
I'll be honest and say I am not sure if I can get past this affair, but if I don't try and we try together how will I know? I will also be honest about going it alone because we decided as a couple that I would stay at home with the kids and he would provide and by doing that has left me only able to get low paying jobs. I am scared to be alone. Please don't think I am pathetic or week, but I do hold the sanctity of marriage very high in my heart and feel that tearing the lives of innocent children apart totally wrong. By the way, I did not get that job I applied for. that was also a huge set back for me yesterday and made me feel pretty low and realize all I want to do is be a wife and mom to by family. that is what I am happy with and that is why this is killing me because I am being forced to go out and get something to support me. I sometimes feel my H is just waiting for me to get a job before he leaves for good. That I know is in my head and he has never said that but he asks everyday if I have heard anything about a job. So yes I am down right now and it is hard for me to process that I may be loosing the one thing I have lived to do with the man I promised to spend the rest of my life with which is to be a home maker.
I have been reading all of your suggestions on how to cope with a WAH and it helps, I just want to also learn how to communicate better so he feels he can talk to me. He has been sharing more with me about his family and his work stuff, but I am not sure how to be a good reflective listener to draw him out to talk more. I need things to talk about. I am just not sure how long I can go on like this. I need touch and I want to get my H back. I am willing to keep trying, but please understand this is foreign to me and very hard, but I don't ever let him see me like this. I am trying to settle down and take it a day at a time, I just feel as if I am wasting time.
I am open for any other suggestions on communication and anything else that can help me.
I'm glad you talked more about your feelings toward the MR and my heart goes out to you. Your love language is apparently different from his. Have you read the Five Languages of Love from Gary Smalley? It might help you know how to better communicate with your H. When my H and I were first M, I yearned to have him open up and "talk" to me. But he did not know how to talk. His LL was physical touch, like you say yours is. I thought all men's were physical touch, so I still waited for my H to talk, but he simply did not know how. Somehow, the two of you will have to try to learn how to speak the other one's LL.....and it will probably have to start with you. You said you did not want small talk or just about the kids....and then go to separate bedrooms. Does that mean that you don't really care for much of any kind of talk with your H? You just consider what goes on in the bedroom as being the intimate part or the.......(don't know how to say it).......the part that counts? Just trying to understand where you are coming from. How did the two of you communicate before all the trouble started? Was there ever a problem communicating before?
Please don't look at DBing as "game playing" b/c it is very serious. It is a technique that has to be learned and just b/c it is not your particular way of working at a R does not mean it is not "real". I understand what you mean about being upfront about everything. I am also. I just want to lay my cards on the table and get down to business. I think that talking takes care of a lot of things....or at least I "used" to think that. I learned that in many cases, talking hurts more than it helps.
Dbing is not a game. It is about human nature. We humans want what we can't have. Also, "if your H is going through a MLC, then you will need to know what to do b/c it is not something that he'll get through in a few months. However, if he's a WAH, then he could get over the A fairy quickly if he sees what a gem he has in his W. Your job is to show him that he truly does have a fantastic wife and he would be a utter fool for ever leaving you.
What I have suggested is not just some idea of how to win a H back, but how to re-discover yourself. Be honest. Do you feel that you have lost a part of yourself over the years of raising a family and being M? We all do that b/c we get so busy giving and caring for others and if we're not careful, life takes a toll on us. So many LBS find themselves while they are setting about to become the best they can be. So, even if the M doesn't make it, the LBS feels confident that they will be okay. They feel good about themselves. I can tell you aren't feeling very good right now, and that is normal considering what is going on. What DB teaches you is how to stop placing all your focus on your S and to look at the other people and other areas of your life. It teaches you to become interesting as a person and to appreciate your life and those around you. It teaches you to be fun and even a bit mysterious. Can you honestly say that you are still the same girl that your H fell in love with? Wouldn't you like to find her again? Maybe we won't ever be exactly like that again, but we can be even better!
So, I hope you will think of DBing as your new tools. In fact, we tell people that your WAS is not to know anything about your new tools or it loses the entire affect. He doesn't need to see your computer's history of where/when you've been here on the board. He doesn't need to see any M books lying around the house. For him to know what or why you do what you're doing--completely defeats the whole thing. I think I may have mentioned before that you aren't to try to get him to read books about M, etc. He would look at that the same as you talking about the MR.
I think I would feel the same way as you do about an A. In my case, I was the WAS. I didn't have a PA, and my H forgave me.....but I know I hurt him so badly. That is another reason I urged you not to get into any hurry about making a decision. I read where somebody said that when you leave, you can't take that back. You don't get a do-over. I think they meant that in some M's, the S won't take you back. So, be sure of what you want to do before you do it. It's better to endure going to separate rooms rather than be sorry for moving out and then can't go back.
In your first post, you said you asked your H to leave, but this time you said you told him. I often wondered how you'd force a man out of his home if he didn't want to leave.
Sorry you didn't get that job, if that's what you wanted, but you don't talk like it really was. It does sound suspicious the way your H keeps asking about it. Could it be that he's simply trying to think of something to talk about? Amnyway, I hope you can continue to be the homemaker you want to be. Have you thought about what you'll do when your children are grown and out of the home? It hits women hard who have poured all they have into raising their kids and then find themselves without anything to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am doing good today. On tuesday I had lunch with my H and actually had a good conversation. I thought I was ready to really let him go. We did talk about the R a lot and at the end I was very sad to think I would let it go. The talk was good though and I told him I am still willing to honor our vows and that we would be in each others lives forever raising our kids. Anyways, we talked for almost 2 hours and then he gave me a hug when I left which made me cry and I told him I really didn't want to let him go. I left and that night he came home and we ate dinner and he poured wine as usual. I however was getting our D6 to bed and he told her she had to sleep in her own bed that night. (she has been sleeping with me for almost 3 months) I did not react and let her watch tv in my room. I then went out to have a glass of wine and he held his glass up to cheers and when I held up my glass he asked me "will you take me back?" He said he is very sorry about everything he has done and all the pain he has caused. He said the talk we had, although was somewhat of a broken record he had been hearing for several months now somehow hit him today. He found our S18 was failing all of his classes in HighSchool. Our D13 was failing 4 of her classes. He said he realized the impact this is having and he told me that while I look great now he is concerned because I have lost a lot of weight. He said he is willing to come clean with everything and that I can ask him anything and he will be totally honest. He got up and held me really tight and sat with me on the couch for 2 hours. I was very quiet but asked if he was willing to do the very hard work it will take to get this back on track and he said he was committed to us and would not let this fail. We went to bed and he held me all night, although the physical touch is hard right now because I am envisioning him with the OW.
Wed. morning we talked about the relationship and where we wanted it to go and set some small and achievable goals.
Today, we started to talk about the OW and that is very painful but he says he will be totally honest. He broke it off with her on Tues. after we talked. He said he is changing his cell phone number today and that he will not accept any calls at work. He again said today he is totally committed to working this relationship out and he did also admit that it was painful to break off the other R. That is hard to swallow, but I had read that before. He said that this was much more important though and he would get over that one fast he just wants to get back what we had. He is not putting a time limit on this talk and says he will answer anything, he just wants me to be sure of what I want to ask, because he doesn't want me to get consumed with grief and loose sight of working to get our marriage back but he will go there with me if I want. He also wants to go to counseling to get through some of this hard stuff and wants us to read the book the Love Dare together. We have already read the 5 Love Languages. He says that in the last 2 days he had seen a dramatic change in our kids. they are actually smiling and my son has a skip in his step. My H put his wedding ring back on and is glad I am wearing mine. He has told his family he is recommitting to me and our R and his sister called me today to tell me how happy she is.
With all this being said, I have gotten what I have been praying for. I am however, very scared and not too trusting. He had a turn around like this back in Feb. that lasted till July and in that time was still seeing the OW. I am very scared although he says this time it is different and he will not let this fail. I guess time will tell. I am just really having a hard time with the physical part and some of the talk about the OW.
I am cautiously optimistic though and as soon as he gives me his new cell number I will feel even better that he is really cutting the ties in CA with the OW. Do you think this is real? How do I tell? I want to dive in but I am scared. How do I get past the physical part where all I imagine is him touching her when he tries to touch me? How do I deal with that? How do we start to rebuild trust? I feel good though that I am holding my family together. I feel I have won this battle.
