So, she told you she wants the D and you are basically saying that you agree and are ready to take it on, yes?
Not all bad. But I know you think that makes no sense.
She doesn't know that I saw email. She didn't bring it up.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
W was away for the weekend with OM. Sunday morning I was feeling down, previous night was a blast with kids and friends but feels bad when its not our family. I sat down Sunday morning and wrote W a letter. I'll share it in a followup post. She texted me Sunday and said she was running late, something about behind schedule, mechanical problems, etc. I really don't even know where she was or what she was doing. I didn't ask, she didn't volunteer. Kind of strange not to know in case something happened but I guess that's where we are. Seems like she has pulled way back over the last few weeks as I've tried to do the same. I've felt resentment. She's obviously going through stuff but I don't know what. Bothers me that I don't know and can't help but I earned that.
OK, so back to the text. She said she's be late and suggested I spend time working on homework with the kids so it wouldn't be chaotic (BTW she arrived home at around 10PMish)
So on Friday she texted me at the last minute asking if I could pick the kids up after school because she was going away for the weekend. She offered to have her parents cover for a few hours if I couldn't. She knew full well I wouldn't want that. I changed my schedule was there after school. Sunday roles around, she does the same thing she did last time they went away. Same thing she did a few weeks back when I covered for the biker memorial. What do I do, cancel my plans. Anyway, I'm sure I'm just going to be told that I should shut up and suck it up. Just getting things off my chest. Feeling really sad.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Here's the letter. Not intended for actual delivery:
Dear Wife, I have spent the last several weeks giving a great deal of thought to our situation. I know that one year ago you loved me. You told me with heartfelt emotion as you looked into my eyes. I deeply regret that I was unable to do and say the right things at that time, still I never once stopped loving you. Today I realize that I love you more than I have in the last 20 years. You mean everything in the world to me. I also realize that loving you means recognizing where you are and what you’ve gone through. Over the last many months you’ve had to find a way to make sense of life and reconcile what you thought was to be versus what our situation had become. I know that must have been one of the worst things a person could ever go through. I could never express to you how much I wish I had been able to avoid putting you through such and awful experience. In the end though, all I have to offer is my love and a heartfelt apology. From the bottom of my heart I’m so very sorry for what happened.
A month or more ago when our worlds again collided, I came to you humbly asking for forgiveness and a chance to explore reconciliation between us. I do believe there is still love between us. I believe there is a chance to salvage our life together, to salvage our family and to rebuild in such a way that our daughters may someday believe in marriage and have respect and trust in the male figures in their in lives. I believe we are at a time and place where two profoundly different versions of the future lie before as choices. I’ve made my choice clear.
I also recognize that I am only one part of this reality. Nothing that I think, feel or believe matters unless it aligns with what you think, feel and believe. Several weeks ago I asked you to consider holding off on ending our marriage in exchange for my not hassling you about having a relationship with another man. I did this for several reasons. First, I believed deep in my heart that there is still love between us and that we are truly two people who should be together for the rest of our lives. I believe in the vows that I took when I married you. I believe in that oath we took together in the eyes of god. I also believed that it is possible for you once again to see and feel the same things despite the hurt I’ve caused you in the last year. Finally, I felt that because of the time I had to heal it made sense that you should have some time as well.
I couldn’t have anticipated just how hard it would be to give you that time. I could not have anticipated the toll it would take on me. I have spent weeks battling and struggling with pain and hurt that I couldn’t put into words only to have to remind myself that it must be a fraction of what you went through when I left 11 months ago. It was wrong of me to be with another woman while we were married and it is equally wrong for you to do so now. We are both disrespecting ourselves and the institution of marriage. I’ve made big mistakes, I’ve apologized and I’ve asked for forgiveness. Maybe you will never be able to forgive me. But I have come to realize that if I truly love and respect you and myself, I cannot sit by and accept that the woman I love, honor and cherish, the woman I am married to, be in a relationship with another man.
I’ve gone over this a thousand times in my head. I’ve asked myself what story I could tell my daughters 20 years from now and still hold my head up with dignity and self respect. Some times when you really love someone you just have to let them go. I realize that. I can’t say that I’m happy that you let me go 11 months ago and I can’t say that I want to let you go now. I also realize that there was no way for you to compete with my depression and mid life crisis 11 months ago and I too realize there’s no way right now for old love (comprised of the nuts and bolts and ups and downs of real life) to compete with the fresh exhilarating euphoria of a new found relationship. If this is the path you need to find happiness I am now ready to let you go.
With love and respect forever,
-RedSoxFan
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
She's texting this morning. I just don't know what to say back. It feels like she opens up and gets a little compassionate when things are forced. Makes me want to show how much I care, express love, etc.
Should I just say, look you know where I stand. If you need to be in another relationship I accept and respect that. Understand that I can't be married to someone who is in a relationship with another person. We need to end things in a fair and equitable fashion.
other option is to now lay low and give us all time to think.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I've only got a sec right now. Can you do nothing for a bit? You told her you want D. There is no reason to reiterate that.
What you really need to deal with are the logistics and boundaries (she can't keep pulling the last minute stuff etc).
You have the same issue today that you came onto the site with which is separating the two issues, your R with her vs. your agreement regarding the kids.
You say you can't take this anymore so as opposed to repeating that you want to end it (which is not actually possible), you have no choice but to deal with it...meaning, what relationship are you willing to have under the current circumstances? What are the boundaries between the two of you and what are the logistical agreements that you stick to. That is where your focus should be.
What you really need to deal with are the logistics and boundaries (she can't keep pulling the last minute stuff etc).
You have the same issue today that you came onto the site with which is separating the two issues, your R with her vs. your agreement regarding the kids.
You say you can't take this anymore so as opposed to repeating that you want to end it (which is not actually possible), you have no choice but to deal with it...meaning, what relationship are you willing to have under the current circumstances? What are the boundaries between the two of you and what are the logistical agreements that you stick to. That is where your focus should be.
I'm sure I can ultimately get the kid thing squared away. The relationship is the big deal. accepting that the marriage is permanently over is definitely and end for me that would bring closure. For sure W and the kids do not go away but the world looks dramatically different at that point. I will grieve and move on. Don't think I'm built so much for the two track stuff. Much easier to advise on it than to put it into practice.
If I'm headed for the big D we had better work on your sitch ;-)
Have to see W this afternoon for D's appointment. Guess I'll do nothing until then. Blue day.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Many people on here say you can't go dark with kids, etc. I did. I went probably a month, and only communicated with W two or three times on scheduling conflicts, all via text. It was very hard at first - felt like part of me was being carved off with a dull butter knife. However, at the end of the month, I was on top emotionally, mentally, spiritually, even physically.
I will also say: ALWAYS take your kids, even if it means W is going off with OM. That was so hard for me to swallow - that W would give up time to go party, be with OM, etc, but I did it. And now, I have a relationship with my kids that I can barely comprehend!
You can not be and are not responsible for W. She has made the decision to leave the marriage, and transferred her affections to someone else. You ARE responsible for your kids, and you can't teach them anything by accommodating W's affair.
Hmmm...is it really fair to call her R with OM an "affair"??? I mean, her husband left, told her it was done, hooked up with OW. She finally moved on, hooked up with OM, said she wanted D (to make it not an "affair") and RSF asked her to hold off on the D which she obliged but then got sick of being treated as if she was cheating and being a bad mother so she asked again for D...
Anyhoo...JohnF, did you read his sitch? HE left the marriage.
Not that it makes so much difference except that the only thing worse than H leaving me, would be him coming back AFTER I've moved on and really connected with another man. Talk about torture. So, I'd be the one holding the key to my family's future? Nice. So, it is on her? Wow.
I agree in essence, RSF, that you need to be in the present and set your plan accordingly. But, I don't see what you have learned from this if you insist that you are the kind of guy who makes a decision and sticks to it no matter what (hellloooo, you told her you were "done" and now look at you)...I see you as wanting what you want when you want it (not atypical) and I would bet that you will ebb and flow with this too. There are people here on the boards in the midst of their divorces who are reconnecting, going into counseling etc.
If it helps you to move on or feel better to proclaim that you are magically capable of turning off this flood of feelings and realizations you've had about your W then do it. I think it is more ego than anything which is ok too. No matter what, I think you need to detach and move on. Still, I hope that if a door opens for your M, you will see it and take the opportunity rather than dig your heals in about how you are not that kind of person.
Or, do you already have your sights set on that other "someone" that you mentioned before?
What you really need to deal with are the logistics and boundaries (she can't keep pulling the last minute stuff etc).
You have the same issue today that you came onto the site with which is separating the two issues, your R with her vs. your agreement regarding the kids.
You say you can't take this anymore so as opposed to repeating that you want to end it (which is not actually possible), you have no choice but to deal with it...meaning, what relationship are you willing to have under the current circumstances? What are the boundaries between the two of you and what are the logistical agreements that you stick to. That is where your focus should be.
I'm sure I can ultimately get the kid thing squared away. The relationship is the big deal. accepting that the marriage is permanently over is definitely and end for me that would bring closure. For sure W and the kids do not go away but the world looks dramatically different at that point. I will grieve and move on. Don't think I'm built so much for the two track stuff. Much easier to advise on it than to put it into practice.
If I'm headed for the big D we had better work on your sitch ;-)
Have to see W this afternoon for D's appointment. Guess I'll do nothing until then. Blue day.
You're blue and you want closure. You are going to have to deal with your R with your W. Whether it is going dark or friendly or whatever, you need to establish some kind of ground rules and see what works. I think taking the kids as much as possible is great. However, I think there should be some boundaries regarding notice and sticking to agreements.
And all of this is of course with your aforementioned disclaimer...that I am just some shmo on the internet giving free advice.
