Stronger He does not say he wants out. He has admitted to not being 100% sure. What he says is, he "doesn't think the odds are in favor of us being able to work this out" and he wants "protection in case - like insurance." He has also said this is an option in place of D.
He's good otherwise. Some nights every week where we are talking, laughing, watching tv, opening up. He's not making it too hard to get in and out of stuff - he's agreed and thoroughly stuck to a 50% time share of evening/morning care with S where H sleeps at our house.
The unaccounted for time (I suspect is OW) has only been once or twice in the last 6 wks. H told me in our last MC session, 6 wks ago that he "got together with someone else" and in a conversation a few weeks back said he's "not going to stop seeing her and it's up to me to show I"m the better choice to return to." Could be a bluff as he is quite insecure with women, or it's not a big affair at the least, as he's accountable for his time 98% of the time.
Yes, break throughs, good convos - I don't post them here as much as I do the angry outbursts, but in the last six weeks, they have been increasing slowly.
No intimacy. Not a surprise, there was no intimacy for years in our M - a reason we both had flings, an issue brought up in MC previously, but never really faced. Intend to face in upcoming MC - recently had some talks where I validated his hurt and took responsibility for my part in that - something I never could do before when I always blamed him. My blame is what pushed him toward OW, he says, because it "proved" to him that someone else would respond to him more positively than I would - he said he believed me before when I blamed him, feeling bad about his sexual performance, and now he feels it's not all his fault. (BTW this is the same reason I slept with someone else - to prove to myself that someone else would respond better to me so I didn't feel it was all my fault - I've looked at this and moved on, unwilling to act out like this ever again).
I've validated over and over and appologized admitting I was avoiding my part in it and if we ever get there again, I want to show him I take responsibility and that I was wrong.
Backing off is the hardest thing for me. Especially when I sense this female threat lurking in the wings. But what made me stop thinking about other men as "better options" was when my H moved on and found OW - I realized I was just reacting to H, but that I had to look at my part in why our sex life was zero. It seems too late now, but I want to work through this. Now he doesn't. Ugh.
I cant' seem to back off without depression. It feels like giving up.
