T2, Boy, do I know where your comin from! I think I'm married to your husband's clone. Seriously, our sitch's are so similar it's just downright weird. There is that unspoken feeling you get when you get back together-the one where you think your husband is lying in wait for you to mess up. It's a tension between you that has to be dispelled sooner or later. Sooner, preferably. I think it's very hard to come back together after a separation-ok, I know, it's where everyone on here wants to be and would love to have this problem. Truth is, we've moved from one phase of DBing on to phase 2. It's really no easier. Different, but not easier. It's nowhere near happily ever after yet. I would venture to say that most couples in this phase have the very same issues that you are finding so difficult to deal with. Last time my H came back it was exactly as you said except we had sort of a honeymoon phase first. All the fear and anger of the A was still in me and I couldn't talk to him about it. It festered in me like a volcano waiting to errupt. I'm going to be positive here, because it's just too darn easy to be negative in this phase. He IS seeing if he made the right choice, I'm sure in his own way he IS kinda sorta testing you. You most certainly are testing him, and he's not doing so hot. This time is kinda like Wednesday. Hump day. If you can make it through till then it's downhill. It lasts more than one day unfortunately. T2, I don't understand why they act that way when they come home, but it's inevitable. I have not read one post on here that says it's a cake walk after they come home. Try to STAY FOCUSED on your goal. When you were living apart you had to work hard to stay out of his drama and be you, plus do what you had to do to get to this point. No easy task. Now, there's no retreating- each into their own cave. It's there all the time and dating time has turned into living together time. All I can say is what I know has to be done during this phase. ACT AS IF this is working. Don't get caught up in his feelings that he tries to project on you. Refuse to take them on. Forget the little stuff. You know, like socks, wet clothes, stupid little things that they make a big deal about. Refuse to get angry about it. This will take a consious effort on your part. My H has all the same issues, and I'm thinking BIG FREAKIN DEAL! GET OVER IT! I used to let it bother me and argued with him about how unimportant it all was, which only made him think I didn't understand his needs all the more. See the cycle? Step outside of it T2. He's looking for validation right now. You are so right that this is round 2. We think that we worked SO hard to get them here and that it's our turn to sit back a little and soak in some major sucking up on their part. When we don't get it, we're peeved. And hurt. They hurt us so much, and they aren't saying and doing what we need them to! Not yet. Doesn't mean it won't happen. I've been on both sides of this so I can speak from experience. They are going to feel justified in what they did (I don't care what they say to the contrary) for quite some time. The only thing you can do is keep making him glad that he came home. Things will get better. This is too raw yet. There will come a time when you can talk about things. I know YOUR ready, but he's not. It seems like it's always us, us,us that has to do all the giving. That's because it is! As Michele says, sometimes only one is working on really saving the M. You gotta keep your wits about you at this time. It's easy to lose it, and fall back into old habits because you feel justified. You won't change him like that. If nothing changes,then nothing will change. Think about it. You will get him to change by responding to your changes over a period of time. One of you has to change first. Who do you think that's going to be T2? Him? Fat chance. We have to decide in this phase 2 if we're going to do more of the same, or if we're going to stick to our 180's and positive changes we've made in ourselves. Do what you need to do to get to phase 3. Set your goals and strive to reach them. If you have to make little ones every day, like:I will not react negatively if he says something negative. Then....and this is the important part. Let it go. Do it for yourself T2. You gonna get to the next level,and then your gonna tell me how to get through this! That's what this BB is all about-support, advise, and a push when we need it. Go for it! Rachael
