I don't know much about your sitch but it sounds like you're monitoring him & the OW pretty closely, I have learned to pay attention to that gut feeling, that instinct that says something is out of place, it's an instinct that we've pretty much been trained not to pay attention to but it exists for a reason.

I don't think you're going crazy, whenever a spouse is having a relationship with another person that totally breaks through boundaries of respect, you're going to react in ways you're not used to reacting. Feeling paranoid, anxious, sad, happy, angry and repeating all of those emotions repeatedly, it's very stressful on your mind & body.

There is nothing we can say or do to stop what's going on in this situation.

Your husband doesn't want be with you, he tells you he's not attracted to you as a spouse, just as a friend, etc. Activities that are out of place, a friend that was once a best friend that now isn't, there are many circumstances at play here.

What can you do? Not sure.

One stance is this.

Talk to him.

I know they say no relationship talk but sit him down - when he's sober.

Tell him how you feel.

Something like "You know I have this feeling like you're having an affair and you probably justify it in your mind because you don't want to be married anymore. If this is really the case, then I have to let you go. Looking at you everyday is a reminder of the marriage I don't get to have anymore and the person I can't be close with anymore and although it hurts me, being an adult means I have to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We have children, I expect you to honor your responsibility as a parent. We can't go on living together if you really don't want to be with me so I'm expecting you to leave since you are the one that doesn't want this marriage to work anymore. You are free to pursue this other woman now without fear of being caught by me. I will take some time for myself to heal from this and when i'm ready I will pursue dating again and I WILL find someone who respects me and the relationship they have with me and they will know not to take what they have for granted because it can all vanish in the blink of an eye. I'm apologize for my role in all of this but I realize that relationships are a dual responsibility, we both contributed to this and now we have to go about ending this in the most mature way possible so as not to harm the children and to remain civil with each other. Maybe we can be friends one day but right now our goal is to be civil with each other. I expect you to start looking for another place to living within the next month or so so that I can start moving on with my life. When you are gone, I will heal from this pain and then start to move on."

Seriously, sometimes you have to detach, you have to let go of them, otherwise what else is going to get them into action if they really want the relationship. Otherwise you are just coasting through life, living in limbo which is what you are doing right now, sucks big time, you can admit it, it feels horrible not to know what the deal is with your relationship, it sucks that your husband may be having an affair with another woman.

What is he attracted to in her vs. you?

The primary factors in attraction for men with how they are attracted to women is physical. But aside from that, other factors include appreciation, respect, allowing him to be a man, maybe you take too much of the role of leader in your household and he feels out of place, you should be sharing that responsibility. Do you nag alot? Maybe she doesn't nag at all? Maybe she praises him alot and he hasn't felt that appreciation or praise from you in a long time. Do you always look at him and give him the feeling that he isn't enough or isn't doing enough? Alot of things you can't control, you've mentioned his drinking, does he do alot of that? If he has a substance abuse problem, you can't fix that, only he can and it's possible if he is having an affair that the OW is enabling this in some form or fashion. Maybe it's a sex thing, maybe he gets more sexual satisfaction from her than he does with you if he is actually having an affair.

It's hard to say without alot of info but I think we all need to realize at one point we have to let go of the people that don't value the relationship they're in with us. If they value the relationship they're in, they'll do what it takes to keep & maintain this relationship and if they don't do anything, you have your answer.

Good luck, I wish you all the strength & courage while you implement that last resort technique - I feel that if you don't present the fear of loss with spouses that are having affairs, they won't ever be prompted to change at all. Why should they change, what would make them change?