T2, Check my post over on MLC. Been trying to think of ways to make money off of our farm and I think I may have found a way-things I love to do and even though I'm not close to a big town, I think I can do it. "The Farmhouse" Will be starting on a room in my house this fall! Great List! H was supposed to maybe come over today?! All I know is everytime H starts coming over on a certain day; someone starts keeping him busy on that day, he switches and starts coming over on another day, and then someone starts finding something for him to do. First it was Sundays, then Tuesday nights, lately Saturdays now...? We will see. It is VERY funny from where I sit, whoever it is goes to a lot of trouble to make him stop coming on a certain day, what is even funnier is that he finds another day to come over! LOL The more pressure that person puts on him...the better. Take to you later, Deb
I worked 16 hrs today and when I got home...I was tired. Well, I'm not in the house a half an hour when a Hall & Oats special comes on the Bio channel. "Good" I think to myself, maybe they'll play those two songs he made me listen to in the car in July when we went out to dinner and had a super weekend together. He said they reminded him of me and they were love songs....WELL the FIRST damn song they play is "Sarahs Smile"....GREAT that's the name of the OW # 1 So I can't help myself and I say, "Is THIS song on the CD you made me listen too that day?" "No, he says (not catching on yet) that's a new CD." Then it hits him..and he says, as he reaches for the remote, "Oh I get it, never mind." And zap he flips the channel. I sit there quiet for a second or two as crap runs through my head and I say, "IT's okay, you can watch the show. I just had a momentary brain fart. It takes me a minute to recover, and remember that I can't control what you think or feel. So please, really, you're welcome to watch the show." He ignores me. So...there's some of that OLD BEHAVIOR jumpin right out there. I am sorta mad at myself, but I'm also thinking, "Okay, I was an ass but I did attempt to recover HOWEVER HE made NO ATTEMPT to use it as an opportunity to REASSURE he went immediately into the "there she goes again" mode instead of taking a minute to think, "Gee maybe I should say something like that song means nothing to me and never has, never will. ILY." Crazy me expecting HIM to do something different HUH? T2
Yikes, I must say, I posted a great post and ZAP, it is gone.
I think that we women give our men such SH*T because we want to see if they will take it. See how much they love us. I know I did this to my H... unbeknowst to me he was with OW at the time. It was ALL insecurity.
I wonder if you are secretly trying to sabotage your reconciliation. Deep down, do you wonder if your R will make it or not? Are you tired of not being able to say what you want/relax in your own home/do what you want/walking on eggshells all the time? Do you figure, why go through all of this, he's going to walk out again anyway... I might as well push him out on MY terms.
You know as well as I do, from reading all the posts on piecing, that now is the time that PATIENCE is most important. You, like me, see an improvement and WANT IT ALL NOW. You are tired of working on the R... ready to have it like you want it.
Stop blaming your H for what was. Give him credit for being COURAGEOUS enough to come home. He knows what happened last time. You want this M/R. Otherwise, why would you have spent so much time working toward this?
Next time you come home, give yourself some transition time. Pray for God's guidance in what you do/say. Do some deep breathing exercises. Instead of looking at your H and thinking "I can't believe you had an A" look at him and think "I am grateful that you love me enough to risk coming home and working on our R."
We are all behind you. We WANT this to succeed. Remember your "think of me" post. I DO think of you. Yes, the pressure is on... but you CAN do it.
Do us gentiles say "Happy Day of Atonement?" Have a good one, T2. We love you and are rooting for you.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I wonder if you are secretly trying to sabotage your reconciliation. Deep down, do you wonder if your R will make it or not? Are you tired of not being able to say what you want relax in your own home/do what you want/walking on eggshells all the time? Do you figure, why go through all of this, he's going to walk out again anyway... I might as well push him out on MY terms.
THAT is an excellent question and one I've been spinning around in my head for a long time. My H has only been "officially" home two weeks. Today, he's suppose to get the rest of his stuff from his place so we'll see.
You ARE absolutely right about my being "TIRED" of working on the R. I am exhausted. I've been doing 95% of the "work" since D-DAY # 1 and even though every now and then it becomes more 60-40...I'm still doing the heavy lifting here.
I know that my angst comes from my NOT wanting to walk around on egg shells. It's NOT worth it to me to have to PRETEND all the time that things are honky dorey.
I also know that PATIENCE will be my greatest friend and ally if I'd only let it...but MY mixed up ego fights the patience.
As a result of last nights 'dig'...my H was sulky on the phone still today. Sounding blahhhhhh. He even had the nerve to bitch that the clothes were left in the dryer and how inconvienent it was for him to have to go "looking for clean socks" when he got up at 5 am to go to work. He went on to say that he needs to have a separate laundry basket so that HE can take care of his own clothes instead of worrying about where they are.
Believe me, I had all I could do not to yell in the phone....F You.....BUT, instead I said, "Did YOU forget that I worked all weekend? YOU knew the clothes I did yesterday were IN THE DRYER....
What a freakin nerve. I thought afterwards, "Well Pal, if YOU think you're coming home to laundry service and nice hot meals every night....YOU'RE freakin dreaming. My days of playing Suzie Homemaker to an ungrateful SOB are long over.
I feel that he is lying in wait for me to mess up and thus does things that provoke me to mess up. HE has as much of a fatalist outlook on this reconciliation as I do. HE is afraid to change, so he digs in. I refuse to accept the "old him"...so I'm dug in too. NOT a very promising outlook is it?
I wish Deb's (aka Imalright)spirit could slip into my body and help me to hold on here. Cause I'm not really sure I can do this, and I'm not sure he can either. Maybe there has been to much damage, to much time, to much heartache on both sides.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I needed that "vacation" that the hurricane stole away from us. I need time away from this life to regroup. I need a few days away from all the reminders...triggers....etc. I need a solid week of happiness....I NEED to know that there is still happiness because I only see it in fleeting moments throughout these long and miserable days. T2
That's all you need to say and VENT, VENT here....
Quote: I feel that he is lying in wait for me to mess up and thus does things that provoke me to mess up. HE has as much of a fatalist outlook on this reconciliation as I do. HE is afraid to change, so he digs in. I refuse to accept the "old him"...so I'm dug in too. NOT a very promising outlook is it?
I just posted this in response to RMC's post on Shiny's thread...
As I reread what I'd posted over there, it struck me as a major revelation to myself.
I can't come to grips with the paradox I'm seeing in my life. I really DON'T agonize over the two OWs at all anymore...I agonize solely over wondering WHAT issues did my H feel justified his As...I'm still waiting for him to open up those feelings and share them with me. I feel like without that information I'm left to continue to go stumbling around in the dark trying to "fix" what I think was broken when in fact I may be way off the mark. If I'm living as though I assume he lost love for me because I didn't do his laundry every day, BUT he really lost love for me because I didn't make pot roast anymore (just a stupid hypethetical)(sp?) then HOW am I suppose to know what HE NEEDS if HE won't tell me?
The above is my biggest problem I think. At least as I see it at this moment...which can change in an hour...duh T2
I feel all of your hurt and angst. Everyone here knows it is hard.
Quote: I feel like I'm suffocating. I needed that "vacation" that the hurricane stole away from us. I need time away from this life to regroup. I need a few days away from all the reminders...triggers....etc. I need a solid week of happiness....I NEED to know that there is still happiness because I only see it in fleeting moments throughout these long and miserable days.
Is it possible to share this with your H? Or too soon? You know he doesn't want the triggers either. He is also wondering about the happiness part.
Quote: I feel that he is lying in wait for me to mess up and thus does things that provoke me to mess up.
Do you think maybe he feels this way, too? He KNOWS what he did.
Quote: I agonize solely over wondering WHAT issues did my H feel justified his As
Is it too early to ask him about this?
Unfortunately, I have read so many posts about no R talks with H, even in piecing. I know a lot of the WAS take forever to get to the point of talking about the A... and I know for the LBS that it has to happen to help us heal. As a man, he may feel that he came back, so that in itself has shown you that he is over it... but for us, I don't think that is enough.
Have you read After the Affair? Maybe it will have some insight as to what you can do. Maybe Sage or Shiny will chime in here too.
T2, so many of us WANT to be in the hell that you are in now. So... THINK OF US when you are ready to quit... you need to do this for US as well as yourself. Tackle the job, we all have faith in you, and everyone is here for you.
PS... don't forget DBing. Acting as if (for now, it WON'T be forever), validating his feelings. Pick your battles... you can seethe while you are saying, "yes, I am sure that was difficult for you to find your socks... I will be happy to get you a laundry basket of your own..." Pretend you are auditioning for the new Stepford Wife movie. Don't forget humor!!! Look how far you have come!!!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
T2, I'm here! Holdingon had a lot of great things to say!!!
Quote: T2, so many of us WANT to be in the hell that you are in now. So... THINK OF US when you are ready to quit... you need to do this for US as well as yourself. Tackle the job, we all have faith in you, and everyone is here for you.
I echo this! We are your cheerleaders! You fail and we are all going to feel like we will ail also! Sorry to put all this pressure on you! I sent you an e-mail. I have doubts about my sitch also, I know this is normal, we shouldn't assume; and I always do. I'm always wanting to "fix" things.And always want to "figure" things out. It's driving me nuts! Back to you, Do you need me to send you duct tape? Believe me, I KNOW that i'm going to be where you are someday. But since I'm not there now here it goes. You are looking for a fight, you are angry he is doing nothing and you are doing all the work. STOP! Count your blessings, be thankful for what you do have. You have to build your M/R like a house; from the bottom up. I don't want you pushing your H out the door! Be friends, do things togther. Ask him what he wants from you; meals, socks. Then compromise, You'll do "this" if he does "that". Your M/R is a partnership. A friendship! It's giving to each other, not just one person. Give your H space, he is not ready to talk about A's, drop it, I know you want it out and over with so you can move to building your M/R. But he is not ready for that talk. Build your M/R first, the rest will follow in time! PATIENCE! And keep DRing! Don't go back to the "Same habits" Remember the domino effect-what you do you get back. So be careful what you send out to H; you may not like what you get in return. I REALLY want to see your M/R work! Yes it is in the palm of your hand! You can do this; it is not easy, I'd say this is the hardest you will have to work! But I know you want your M, don't throw it away because you have doubts! You have worked too hard to see this happen! I'm not saying what you think and how you feel is wrong, heck no. Just bring it here and don't throw it at your H! What you feel and how you think is OK, it's normal. Just keep it here! Thinking of you! OOHH, I'm bad I'm typing this will at work! Deb
I sent you an e-mail. I have doubts about my sitch also, I know this is normal, we shouldn't assume; and I always do. I'm always wanting to "fix" things.And always want to "figure" things out. It's driving me nuts!