I don't have access to his computer so I'm at a disadvantage (one exception- his email account that he uses for family communication). Although I did find out this weekend that he was logged back in to the swinger website sometime over the weekend. I thought "maybe" he had given that up since it had almost been a week since he had been on, but I guess not, I'm really not surprised.
Now to the journaling portion of the post: We go back to the MC tomorrow, and I'm anxious to see how that goes. I need to know what H's mindset is. If he thinks I'm the only one who needs to make changes, jump through hoopsnaling- , validate wrongs committed, or whatever else, (like I did 7 years ago), I am out, no more hesitation. Maybe I shouldn't put so much on one appointment, but there needs to be some movement for me. I have my list of goals/requirements ready, but I'm not sure if H does-he hasn't mentioned it, and I haven't asked.
I am afraid that H may have the same sense of entitlement that he did during our last set of troubles- that he is miserable, it's my fault and therefore he's absolved of any and all responsibility to make things better or acknowledge any wrongs commited. At least I don't believe that like I did last time. I did point out to him a few months ago during one of our discussions, how he was the one who cheated but I was the one who had to do the work to save the M, he was the one who commited a wrong but I was the one who was punished, and in fact, he actually got almost everything he wanted, I got hurt in the process, and so what was his punishment? He sure doled it out to me, the emotional withdrawal lasted a few years plus I agreed to the damn swinging. What's wrong with this picture? He didn't have answer to that one. I'm nervous he's expecting the same thing this time.
At least this time I think I can admit that he hurt me, I've had those hurts buried and unacknowleged for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel the hurt, and I'm not sure that I have yet- it's till pretty buried. At least I know it's there now. Maybe I thought it shouldn't hurt, or I deserved it, or I just couldn't admit that H would do something that would hurt me. He said at the last MC session that it goes without saying that he doesn't want me hurt. But that has not been reflected in his actions, has it? I had the impression that he thought I owed him something because he was unhappy, and he didn't really care much about my feelings as long as he got what he wanted. The hurts would go a few months in between so it would be easy for me to put them out of mind and carry on with the illusion of a normal marriage. I really clung to that illusion and I still have a hard time letting it go- you know, "cause he's not all bad..." It's a big shift in thinking that he doesn't have to be "all bad" for me to leave. The bad parts may not be all-encompassing, but they are bad enough, and I shouldn't put up with them anymore.
