Quote: I wonder if you are secretly trying to sabotage your reconciliation. Deep down, do you wonder if your R will make it or not? Are you tired of not being able to say what you want relax in your own home/do what you want/walking on eggshells all the time? Do you figure, why go through all of this, he's going to walk out again anyway... I might as well push him out on MY terms.
THAT is an excellent question and one I've been spinning around in my head for a long time. My H has only been "officially" home two weeks. Today, he's suppose to get the rest of his stuff from his place so we'll see.
You ARE absolutely right about my being "TIRED" of working on the R. I am exhausted. I've been doing 95% of the "work" since D-DAY # 1 and even though every now and then it becomes more 60-40...I'm still doing the heavy lifting here.
I know that my angst comes from my NOT wanting to walk around on egg shells. It's NOT worth it to me to have to PRETEND all the time that things are honky dorey.
I also know that PATIENCE will be my greatest friend and ally if I'd only let it...but MY mixed up ego fights the patience.
As a result of last nights 'dig'...my H was sulky on the phone still today. Sounding blahhhhhh. He even had the nerve to bitch that the clothes were left in the dryer and how inconvienent it was for him to have to go "looking for clean socks" when he got up at 5 am to go to work. He went on to say that he needs to have a separate laundry basket so that HE can take care of his own clothes instead of worrying about where they are.
Believe me, I had all I could do not to yell in the phone....F You.....BUT, instead I said, "Did YOU forget that I worked all weekend? YOU knew the clothes I did yesterday were IN THE DRYER....
What a freakin nerve. I thought afterwards, "Well Pal, if YOU think you're coming home to laundry service and nice hot meals every night....YOU'RE freakin dreaming. My days of playing Suzie Homemaker to an ungrateful SOB are long over.
I feel that he is lying in wait for me to mess up and thus does things that provoke me to mess up. HE has as much of a fatalist outlook on this reconciliation as I do. HE is afraid to change, so he digs in. I refuse to accept the "old him"...so I'm dug in too. NOT a very promising outlook is it?
I wish Deb's (aka Imalright)spirit could slip into my body and help me to hold on here. Cause I'm not really sure I can do this, and I'm not sure he can either. Maybe there has been to much damage, to much time, to much heartache on both sides.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I needed that "vacation" that the hurricane stole away from us. I need time away from this life to regroup. I need a few days away from all the reminders...triggers....etc. I need a solid week of happiness....I NEED to know that there is still happiness because I only see it in fleeting moments throughout these long and miserable days. T2
