Day with MIL went surprisingly well. I did my best DB - stayed cool - kept light, positive, fun - imagining if H was coming back in 30 days - how would I act? I just was cool and focused on having fun with S and not focusing on H. H mostly talked with his brother, and MIL was surprisingly supportive. She looked at me and said I will always be her family, no matter what happens. It was nice.
H argued with me only about S's dinner - again. I'm tired of this. I took some space from H at S's bedtime and then called him to say we need to talk about the discipline thing around dinner times. We had a calm and productive conversation about it - productive. We also talked about some things we will get into when we go back to MC - I told him I feel we need to go deeper than we have the last time we were at MC - and he agreed - He seemed to warm up last night, and having that calm tal, and being open to MC was def. babysteps!
Then H wanted to go back to his apt. I did a DB no-no , I asked him to stay. He look really sad and so did I and he said, 'ok...but don't use this against me if we D." WTF?
This thing about "if we D" is governing his behavior so much. H feels if he's staying over here and it's not just for S, then I can argue that we weren't really separated. He claims this will feel better once we are legally sep. - same old argument. It really is driving his behavior, I told him he can't control the future, he can only act from his feeling now, but I don't think I got through.
I had ahuge panic attack about OW saturday night - H has been consistently defensive and elusive about his Sat. night whereabouts, which he hasn't been for a few weeks. I cried all Saturday night. I'm still in pain over it. I am trying not to bring it up, per DB, just focus on me, let it go, not make it worse, etc...sooooooooo hard. I told him I don't think I can be ok with him having Fri and Sat off from being with S any more. It's really more for me. He's out Fri and SAt and I"m home with S - he has opportunity to be with OW and I"m at home crying? I don't want to be controlling, but why should I enable this? H said he was "open to negotiating that".
I need to work harder on my DB -- I'm a loser in that dept. I don't back off well. I think I"m not pulling back enough to make him miss me or whatever - I'm always available and he knows I want reconsiliation, and he keeps telling me he thinks the "odds are against us," so he's acting "in case". He is weird. I dno't understand who this person is that I thought I knew or what motivates his behavior. I guess he's telling me but I don't know if I believe it.
I had a dream I murdered the OW! lol
Sorry, you got way more info than you bargained for STronger!
