Gosh Tal and Deb, You two are a couple of tough task masters aren't you...
Geesh....okay, here's my ACTION list:
1- TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE letting what's in my mind come flowing out my mouth.
2- But TIME between my fear and my reactions to it.
3- WATCH....don't just listen LOOK for the positives don't twist them into negatives
4- WRITE DOWN THE POSITIVES...they're to easily and convienently, forgotten by me
5- KEEP DOING WHAT WORKED
6- Be loving even when HE'S drawing away
7- HOLD his hand instead of ALWAYS waiting for him to reach for mine.
8- Remember to acknowledge HIS "acts of service" (don't slip back into the taking him and what he does for granted mode)
9- STOP remind him of the A...stick to the NOW and ONLY refer to the past with regard to where WE went wrong. The As DIDN'T destroy our marriage, we did that together long before the As happened. THEY were a symptom NOT the cause.
Hi T2, I have just been reading through your thread and something strikes a chord with me.
Quote: I cannot describe the physical reaction I'm having today. It's scary. I'm trembling, my stomach is upset and my heart is racing, literally.
I think it's my subconcious trying to tell me this is NOT a good thing. That the timing for my H to come home IS NOT right....for him or for me.
I was fighting the urge to cry, as I lay there soaking in the tub, because I'm angry at myself for letting this unfold this way. This WAS not the way I wanted it. I wanted everything out in the open (that is, our pre A issues and post A fears and concerns) BEFORE he came back home.
I fear I've surrendered to much ground by allowing him to slide in here at his pace and on his terms and schedule. I fear that he will expect to NOT have to deal with R talks or make any great effort to reassure me of his trustworthiness, remorse or faithfulness and commitment to remain in this marriage for 'better or worse' THIS time.
When my H moved back I was very up about it, very happy etc. Within a month of moving in he started talking about us having a renewal of vows. The reaction you describe above is similar to how I felt (not immediately after he said it but within a few days). We want them back but not just-like-that. And certainly not on the old terms. They think somehow they can slip back in the door and all will be forgiven and forgotten. Maybe they might have to say sorry, buy you a nice gift or something. What they don't seem to get is that the will have to have R talks, lots of R talks and hammer out the issues. The nervousness you describe is about knowing this is the case and knowing that if you bring up R talks it could all go out the window again. I am still struggling with this. H and I have not yet had any proper non-confrontational R talks since he moved back 3 months ago, it is still nagging at me because everyday that passes when he does some of his old stuff or I do some of my old stuff I know we have to have those discussion, we have to learn to practise using new rules of behaviour. Although DB says ONE of you can do it I do think that at some point BOTH of you need to be on the same page.
just my 2 cents, hope you don't mind me dropping in like this
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hazard, Thank YOU for stopping by my thread and PLEASE feel free to drop in any time, I like your 2 cents!
Tonight as my H and I were sitting in the river room chatting mindlessly, I ask him if he'd look at his schedule for next week and coordinate with mine so that we could have a weekly date. I told him that I didn't want us slipping back into a routine of watching the Fox news all night etc and us not taking time to nurture our relationship on a constant basis. He agreed whole heartedly and thought it was a great idea.
SO my POSITVE for today is: I made a request of something that would be good for our M/R and he agreed without hesitation and...even some enthusiasm.
I was also a good girl because when I came home I remembered to go to him and kiss him hello...he was waiting in the driveway when I pulled in. AND I MADE dinner (usually make him bbq or something. AND I stayed calm and happy even the one or two times the opportunity arose for me to turn a simple comment he made into something OTHER than what he'd actually said.
So, day ONE of my ACTION plan has been a success...one down...zillion to go, but who's counting T2
Great list. I've been doing much of the same things. One of the other things that I've been trying to different is to draw him out. I ask questions and really listen to what he is saying--always watching not to say anything judgmental.
Since apparently the thing about XOW that interested H was that she "listened". So..I'm trying to do that better.
Sorry about the blank post-PC problems. Why oh why can't I seem to get this?? I need to print your goals up and reread them about a thousand times day-no kidding! It's just so hard to keep quiet when I've got it figured in my pea sized brain, that he has been with/had contact with the OW. Intellectually, I believe him when he tells me there is no chance of it ever happening again. SO.....why was I so compelled to ask him if he had seen or talked OW today? He'd been out of town all day on a jobsite. Well ok right? No! I kept fantasizing he was really with her and had concocted his whole story. When I asked him,he was surprised. He asked me if that's what I thought-that he was with her. How do you answer that? I answered as honestly as I could. We had another R talk-kinda. He was very tired and ready to go to sleep, so I just let him. We actually talked though! (for awhile!) Him,about his fears, and me about mine. We figured out our goals were the same. We went along time without having any R talks, and it was time. Now I just have to strike a balance, and live by T2's goals which were by the way, well atticulated, and I could tell she put alot of thought into them. You see my perception that my H was somewhat distant tonight confirmed my suspicion that he had contact with OW. Why do we do this to ourselves?? He was understnading ,but it will get old. I know I need to stop assuming. I told him the biggest part of me trusts him-but that little part comes in and takes over. My evil twin! I've worked and waited this long for him,I'm not going to throw it to the wind now! I'm too tired to write anymore, and I've been rattling on T2's thread. Night all....Rachael
T2~ I found you!!! Sounds like things are progressing...it also sounds like your resction to the sitch are pretty normal.
This is a big change for both of you. I LOVE how you are trying to keep things fresh and NOT fall into old patterns that you disliked! I'm glad he agreed to the weekly date!!!
Come visit me soemtime--I miss you. I'm still in newcomers even though I should probably move to the D forum soon!
Enjoy the rest of the weekend!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Sounds like things are progressing...it also sounds like your resction to the sitch are pretty normal.