HOME AGAIN....ROUND 2

[haphazard]

Hi T2, I have just been reading through your thread and something strikes a chord with me.

I cannot describe the physical reaction I'm having today. It's scary. I'm trembling, my stomach is upset and my heart is racing, literally.

I think it's my subconcious trying to tell me this is NOT a good thing. That the timing for my H to come home IS NOT right....for him or for me.

I was fighting the urge to cry, as I lay there soaking in the tub, because I'm angry at myself for letting this unfold this way. This WAS not the way I wanted it. I wanted everything out in the open (that is, our pre A issues and post A fears and concerns) BEFORE he came back home.

I fear I've surrendered to much ground by allowing him to slide in here at his pace and on his terms and schedule. I fear that he will expect to NOT have to deal with R talks or make any great effort to reassure me of his trustworthiness, remorse or faithfulness and commitment to remain in this marriage for 'better or worse' THIS time.

When my H moved back I was very up about it, very happy etc. Within a month of moving in he started talking about us having a renewal of vows. The reaction you describe above is similar to how I felt (not immediately after he said it but within a few days). We want them back but not just-like-that. And certainly not on the old terms. They think somehow they can slip back in the door and all will be forgiven and forgotten. Maybe they might have to say sorry, buy you a nice gift or something. What they don't seem to get is that the will have to have R talks, lots of R talks and hammer out the issues. The nervousness you describe is about knowing this is the case and knowing that if you bring up R talks it could all go out the window again. I am still struggling with this. H and I have not yet had any proper non-confrontational R talks since he moved back 3 months ago, it is still nagging at me because everyday that passes when he does some of his old stuff or I do some of my old stuff I know we have to have those discussion, we have to learn to practise using new rules of behaviour. Although DB says ONE of you can do it I do think that at some point BOTH of you need to be on the same page.

just my 2 cents, hope you don't mind me dropping in like this

Fran