I read through your posting and something you said in the earlier posts struck me.
He moved out of the house and into the house of your MIL and SIL? He 'threatened' to get an apartment but hasn't.....
Why in the world would he want to do that? He has females washing his clothing and fixing his favorite meals the exact way he likes them (have never met a man that did not find comfort in mom's cooking) so he can revert to the 'before I had the responsibility of a wife and kids' fantasy. If he got his own apartment he would have to cook and clean... that does not fit into his plans of having no responsibility.
You then said that you are training for marathons because you want to... and that you will be in two races that he will be in in the future. Are you choosing marathons because he will be there? Why not triathalons?
You also mentioned "I just wonder if going NC is right for my situation because he responds well to my texts and emails. And doesn't when I don't. And how else will he see my positive, confident attitude?"...
((((((hugs))))))
You need to remember that you are changing for you... not for him, becoming the best person you can be for you and you alone.
How will he see it? With NC he will start to wonder... "where is she? What is she doing? Why is she not seeking my approval?"
You cannot show you have changes by flaunting it, you show it by simply living it. You do not have to have his pat on the head... you are finding *you* after all these years, focus on that... on becoming your own friend and liking the person you are. When you can honestly say to yourself with a smile "I am te kind of person I would want to be around" then you will know you have found yourself again.
He does not like himself and needs to find himself as well, you can't do that for him and your MIL and SIL are only feeding his dependence on others... and it could be that he is seeing the changes in you and is jealous that you are changing while he is not.
Keep strong and remember that you cannot change yesterday, you have no control over tomorrow and today is the only thing that matters.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
Oh duh, I didn't see it that way... you saw that so clearly. Yeah, staying with his sis and mom would feed the before wife and kids fantasy. He is running away from responsibility even at work. He's been taking days off which he rarely did before. He was such a responsible and dependable person before this.
I'm running two of the same local races he is actually. I want to prove to myself that I can finish a full marathon while I'm still 40. I had it as a goal for my 40th birthday. I'm not hoping to see him in those races. I'd rather not. If we were together again I would. This is for me. I'm not hoping to impress him with it... I wouldn't anyway. I'm not nearly as fast as he is. But I don't care. I have a great support group of running friends that I want to share the accomplishment with.
Yes... I will focus on it... I am trying to find myself and make the changes for me. Yes... I feeling I'm getting there. Hmm... needing his pat on my head. Yes, I now see that I was hoping for it. Wow, thanks for helping see a bit clearer.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
That's why we are here.....to put more heads together and see the stitch. You will get support here. The important thing is to keep posting....and often. I'm so glad that you can see through different eyes now.
He is not the man you M and that is a hard concept for you, but when you can stop seeing him as the H you knew and look at him differently....then that will help you deal better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying to understand that he is not the H I knew but it's even harder that I don't like this new person. I'm trying to feel compassion for him. I do feel sorry for him, but at the same time I hate how selfish he is.
My C has told me I have to grieve the "death" of the M and I've been going through the process. I go today to IC after taking a break of a month. After that, my H will come to 'visit' the kids for a couple hours while I go to a class. The class is actually my recovery group for co-dependents, but he doesn't need to know that. I've been twice already and it helps to talk but there's no advice there.
I feel sorry for him and wish I could help him, but I know this is his own journey. Ugh.. I know, I have to detach. This sucks. He has definitely detached from me. I feel hopeless but I hope for signs of hope... don't know what to look for that would be a sign of hope anymore. I've come a long way from being furious at him for doing this and now I feel a loss of respect for him for all this craziness.
One thing that really concerns me is that at his work, two of his friends got a divorce last year (within months of ea other), one of his close friends is now also separating. And now another friend is not getting along with his wife--says they've grown apart... all these men work with him. It's like a damn virus!! So they all are probably comparing notes and encouraging each other that they are doing the right thing. I think I'm the only wife that is trying to DB.
So, any advice for when I see him briefly today? I'll be looking and smelling great, act happy and friendly but not clingy. I think I can be detached, but worry about seeming aloof. It kills me to see him so detached from me. I don't think it will have the same effect on him. I don't think he has ever felt jealous with me.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I would say he has it pretty good where he's staying and the only needs he is not having met by living with his mother & sister...would be his sexual needs. Of course, he should miss his children....and you, but as long as he gets everything he had at home while M, then he will be doing great. I think when he begins to want to satisfy his sexual needs, he will either start dating or else he will warm up toward you. So, be prepared for either way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, I initiated contact anyway. I wrote him about assignment S12 needs help on that he should fill out and wrote a small comment asking if he was feeling better from his sinus infection. I said I was happy to hear he was better.
He usually comes over on Mondays while I'm at my class, but comes after I've left. I mentioned I was leaving at 6:15 and he replied he'll come at 6 and that he'll see me later. That's a big change. He isn't treating me like I have leprosy. I'm not getting excited, just seeing this as a positive baby step.
DBD
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
It seems to be a step in the right direction. But like you said, don't get overly excited. I tell people that they should not "set themselves up for disappointment". Hard to do sometimes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, I decided to not be home when he said he'd get here thinking why set myself up to be disappointed--he'd probably get to the house after I left. So, we didn't get to see each other like he said we would. But, I had dinner waiting for him and the kids.
I just got an email initiated by him. Good change. Another baby step I think. I know, I know... don't get excited. But I'm somewhat happy.
He wrote me saying thanks for dinner and that he had fun spending time with the kids "as always". And he wants to see the kids again on Wed.
Argh... I'm so tempted to have R talk. Biting my tongue to not say anything. Don't even know what to respond.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I slept on it and haven't responded yet. I will be making it possible for him to see the kids on Wed. I will be detached. This is so hard to do. I want to pave the way for him to find his way back home and to drop hints.
I guess I'll make up something/somewhere to go all fixed up while he visits them for about an hour.
I'm confused about how to do this... be detached with him, yet make him feel comfortable in the house so he sees what he's missing?
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Do NOT talk to him about the R. You’ve dropped R talks and you’ve seen positive baby steps. What does that tell you? NO R TALKS. You’ve taken the pressure off. You need to again, NOT be there on Wednesday as he’s there with the kids. He’s in no place to talk right now and most likely all you’d get is negative mean answers in response to any questions you have, so why bother? Just let the dust settle and see what happens. What are new things you are doing now? Or some old things you didn’t get do enough? What’s fun for you now?
