Spend ALL day with your estranged spouse and children. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, everything in between and bedtime to boot.
Today we spent S7's bday together.
My time with H was like an entire thread here in one day. Signs that he is coming out of his fog (erasing overtly self-absorbed and thoughtless photos from facebook, referencing a feeling of complete disassociation from his experience of living at rich people's house-feels like it wasn't real)...still pretty obsessed with rock star and plans to work with him more (there may actually be money there), comments about getting the whole truth out and inquiries into my personal life (I literally sang "la la la la la la la..." whenever it was crossing a line). I made it clear that we were having such a nice time and certain topics were too uncomfortable, especially with the kids there. Something came up about one of the girls on his face book and he went on to intermittently mention that things aren't always what they seem and other cryptic messages...our rapport went from flirtatious to bantery to totally focused on the kids to married-like. I went from moments of just wanting to touch any part of our bodies to moments of sheer detachment. He played a few songs in the car with lyrics about not giving up on relationships etc. Again, he looked so oblivious and I refuse to indulge in reading between such shallow lines...but the feelings were all over the place.
While there were so many moments that screamed possible reconciliation, there were just as many that screamed it is over...
He made it clear that he wants the relief of full disclosure. That is not really something I want. I let him know that certain topics should be covered more next week when we meet for what he referred to as "the talk"...but, I really don't want to discuss our personal lives.
At the end of the night the kids were so tired and I put them to bed at his place which they loved but was really strange. Then I actually laid on H's bed with him and watched a little tv and then left. I texted him to thank him for the day and for choosing where we went (I like that he led and it was a wonderful time).
I saw all the things I don't like about him and those that I do. It was really bizarre.
We are family. I don't know how to shed that feeling. I don't know if I need to. I don't know what the new normal is supposed to look like, feel like. I don't know if I am being too cool...but, aside from a few moments of really digging us being a family together, digging his humor, feeling wifely (in a good way), overall, I felt like a lifelong friend...no pining, no tingly sensation.
I love that I was able to be so different. No bitching at him for things that have no bearing on me anymore. No nitpicking.
I don't know what we are doing. I closed the bathroom door at one point earlier in the day because he was peeing with no consciousness of my presence. He was in his underwear at the end of the night as if that was just so normal.
I dunno. I am looking at a place tomorrow.
I understand what I love about the idea of having my family together because, even with all of the weirdness and ambiguity, we fit today. We laughed, we managed the kids, we kept it positive for the most part and together...
For now, there is no new normal. I am floating in outer space. I don't long for him but I do feel a bit lonely tonight.
