Bunny...We have been going to MC together and I have gone by myself once. I really was hoping that the MC could show my H the errors of his ways , sort of speak, but so far I don't think that it is helping at all. I worry that I am wasting my time here.
Stuck....about telling my H that he is disrespectful? I have done this many times and he always comes back with how I am being disrespectful to him instead. It is a vicious circle that we are in with that one.
Break...you are right not to say anything to him about finding a real man cuz my H would accuse me of having OM on the side. I get accussed of this all the time as it is now.
Right now things are getting worse. We had a big fight last night that was so pointless and ended up being a degrading battle between the two of us. I truely was not a nice wife and said many mean and hateful things to him that I now regret today. I said something to him that brings me to tears just thinking about it.
We fought over money, sex, whose cheating or has cheated on who, the kids, the house, the material things. Literally everything that a person can fight about. And in the end nothing got solved.
I thought that he had hung up on me and then this morning I got a message from him (I had shut my phone off last night after the fight ended) on his friends' phone that said that my H's phone was broken. Pretty sure that he broke it himself. Plus he had the nerve to tell me that I should buy him a new one before he got home, so that leds me to believe that he is blaming me for him breaking his phone. Oh well, I will not be fixing that mistake for him.
I am depressed about all of the crap that has been going on between my H and I. It seems to be getting worse and I feel like I am being sucked down in quicksand. The more I try to fix my M the more it seems to be sinking. Maybe I need to do a 180 on that and stop trying to fix it. Any thoughts on that by anyone?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
The MC is going to take time, and your H won't change until he's ready to admit he has a problem and realizes how he hurts you. Only you can decide how long you're willing to wait for that to happen. HOWEVER- If your safety is at all compromised, then there is no decision other than to get out now. Also, as someone pointed out to me in my situation- what kind of relationship and behavior are you modeling for your kids? They are watching, after all. And they see more and hear more than we realize.
My other thought is to make sure you continue counseling for yourself even if your H discontinues with the MC. Maybe the IC can help you 1) how to avoid falling into a pointless argument trap; and 2) discover other ways of communicating during an argument so that you don't feel any regrets afterward over the way you handled yourself. Those are good skills to have no matter if you're dealing with H or somebody else.
I agree about going to a IC no matter what. THe C that I have now is allowing me to do both with him. It is better that way, I think because he knows the story and he has met my H too.
I will continue to go either way.
I understand what you are saying about what do my kids see and hear. The good thing is that most of the time my H is gone or my kids are gone. I guess I can take small blessing when given on that.
I don't know how mush I am willing to take. That is a step I think I am conveinetly (?) forgetting because it's too hard for me to set a date, a time, an event, or whatever, to cal it quits. I know I am stalling on it but I just can't bring my self to do it just yet.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Things remain crappy. Just wanted to give a short update
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Weekend was great. H was there for the first part of it and it went pretty good with him. Then he was gone for a few days and for some reason (?) he started a fight with me on Saturday night.
This is a usual tactic with him anyway since he is at work and I am out doing something with our friends. It's like he is jealous that I can hang with friends and he is at work. It's not my fault that he has a job over the road building water towers and that I stay home with the house, kids, and animals. I did not choose his job for him.
Anyway, the fight has now gone on for a few days and has gotten worse. He has threatened to go ahead and get the divorce done. I don't want it but feel as if I can accept it if I have too. I am not ready to give up but feel as if I may have to.
I am tired of the same patterns of distructive behaviors, on both sides, that we seem to continue. I am tired of fighting over the same things and never getting anywhere with it. I am tired of living like I don't matter to this man unless I am on my back.
He told me that he missed me a few weeks ago and I asked him what he missed. He started to tell me about sexual things and I got upset by it. I asked him if there was anything that he actually missed about me that was not sexual and it took him a little bit but he finally came up with a few things. After that I said, see that was nto so hard to find things about me that was not sexual and it really made me feel good to hear these things. He was just like oh I see. Liek he really did not get the idea of how to say nice things to your W.
I am sitting the fence right now. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to get out now. I have looked in the paper at houses and apartments. Nothing really suits me and my girls right now. (No I am not making excuses I am just stating that I am wanting a good place for us ot go to) I just got myself a second job. I am hoping for the best on it and it will be a little bit of extra income for me. I do hope that I like it and can fit it all in to my schedule.
My daughters start Girl Scouts soon. I am a volunteer with my oldest one's troop and a leader in my younger one's troop. I like doing this as it gets me out of the house, I get to spend quality time with my girls, and I really enjoy it. It keeps my mind busy too.
My youngest started soccer this past week, so we have practices and games to do for the next 6 weeks. That will keep me busy too. I decided to walk around the track at the high school while she is practicing so I can get a bit of excercise too. I always liekt o walk cuz it seems to free my mind from the holy h**l that it is in sometimes.
My H just texted me to tell me that he wants to be with me still and wanted to know how I felt. I told him about sitting the fence. He asked me to let him know whenI figured it out. I said fine but that maybe it would be a good idea for him to figure it out too since he was the one that told me, during this last fight, that he had not been trying for the past 2 months and that he had not really cared about savingus either. We have only been back together for a little less than 3 months and he had already given up after the first month???? WTF????
I have much to think about.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
We have not been able to see the MC for a little bit cuz the MC has been out of town. I hope that we can make it for the next appt. which is next Monday.
I am doing ok. I have seen changes within my H that I do like but I don't know if it is enough. He has stop doing the sex addiction stuff. Even got rid of his dirty mags when he didn't think I was watching.
But we are fighting over everything now. We fight over money the most. I am so sick of the money issue. We fight over the kids all the time now. We fight over what project needs to be done around the house. We fight over everything.
Great, the sex addiction issue has changed and he is not doing the things that he was doing. (The online porn, texting other women, watching porn, or looking at dirty mags) But now he is constantly talking about his fantasies that he wants me to fulfill.
Here's one for you. To get him to help pay for a trampoline for the kids a couple of christmases ago, I had to agree to have sex with him on it. I said fine, whatever. Then he filed for a D, then we got back together and things weren't the best, then I filed for a D cuz I found out what he was doing, then we get back together. Well now all I hear is I didn't fulfill my end of the deal. I have gotten so sick of listening to it, that I finally had to break down and do it. Well guess what, It sucked!!! It was cold out, the dogs were barking and wrestling, plus one of them bump it's nose on my butt from under the trampoline, (LOL, it was kinda funny though) and it was not at all fun to me to have had to do this. BUT H is happy that I did what he wanted. So very glad that he got what he wanted!!!! Think it's over??? Hell No...
Now he has a fantasy about me in 4 inch heels. I guess I can be thankful that he is not going after other women but this fantasy thing is not the greatest either. Espeacially when we are fighting over everything. Who wants to have sex when there is a constant battle going on? Not me.
Sorry just venting here.
Last edited by lost-n-Iowa; 09/21/0904:15 AM. Reason: grammer
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
At least some fantasies are easier to deal with than others- high heels vs. three-some with another woman, for example. It's all about boundaries and what you feel comfortable with. BTW-I have a few pairs of f**-me shoes just like that, the ultimate are the four inch stilettos from Fredericks of Hollywood- Black with a few rhinestones and very sexy. Can't stand in them for too long, but I guess that's probably the point, right?? LOL...
Wow, it's very much a rollercoaster for you guys right now! I think the fighting shows that you care about each other still...but somehow you guys have got to change the pattern so that it's not so often and so hurtful. (Hope MC will help you with this!) From reading DB...on nights you fight vs nights you seem to get a long - can you think of any small differences that might be setting off the chain of events?
Might apply or not apply in your situation: How do you guys greet each other when one of you comes home? I notice that my evenings are getting better & better if I keep making a point to stop what I'm doing and give H a nice greeting when he comes home from work. (Not sure if we're at the point yet where I can hug him as he walks in the door...but think that is my next goal.) I also have begun turning off or pausing the tv before he walks in the door and telling the kids to greet their dad.
