I gave myself a calgon bath (hoping IT would take me away) but it didn't. As I lay there soaking...I was sulking.
I cannot describe the physical reaction I'm having today. It's scary. I'm trembling, my stomach is upset and my heart is racing, literally.
I think it's my subconcious trying to tell me this is NOT a good thing. That the timing for my H to come home IS NOT right....for him or for me.
I was fighting the urge to cry, as I lay there soaking in the tub, because I'm angry at myself for letting this unfold this way. This WAS not the way I wanted it. I wanted everything out in the open (that is, our pre A issues and post A fears and concerns) BEFORE he came back home.
I fear I've surrendered to much ground by allowing him to slide in here at his pace and on his terms and schedule. I fear that he will expect to NOT have to deal with R talks or make any great effort to reassure me of his trustworthiness, remorse or faithfulness and commitment to remain in this marriage for 'better or worse' THIS time.
I am having flashbacks of our last failed attempt. I know the mistakes I MADE that time...but I don't know that my H has bothered to identify HIS.
He just called a little bit ago, he's on his way home...early....I wish he wasn't....I don't know how to deal with this today.
I want to go to sleep...for a week...and wake up feeling better. T2
Look how far you've come, you're a strong woman. You are in control now, not H. I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but there are days when I think what if H comes home? It scares ME, TOO! I am not ready for him to come back either, but I would let him come back.
One day at a time is all I can offer.
Or just slap him around when he gets out of line. You do still have that 2x4 don't you?? I am sooo kidding!
I was thinking about what you said last..your heart, calgon, etc. and maybe you should try to think of it as your opening on Broadway.
Think of yourself as an actress who knows all her lines, has been rehearsing all her parts to perfection I might add, and today is your opening! Of course, you would be nervous, you also might be sick to your stomach, you've had other openings but they didn't get very good ratings. You learned from your mistakes. You strengthened your weaknesses, you can do this, you know you can.
You know you are different, you know you can survive and will survive. You are an amazing woman and don't ever forget that.
If your H cannot see that then it's his loss. I like to tell myself if H loses me, he's losing the best thing that ever happened to him!!
Maybe, for your benefit (and definitly for mine), you could list some of the things you refer to as "mistakes" you made when he came home before. Then, using that list, you could develop an action plan of what you will do differently.
You know you have no real control over your H and what he does, you only have control over you, so what is your plan?
All that anxiety is about fear of what you can't control, so remember the basics: the Serenity Prayer!
At Tal's suggestion, this is a list of T2's sins of the past reconciliation/cohabitation attempt:
1- I was pathetically clingy
2- I didn't get through a single day without bringing up the A in one form or another
3- I snooped (checked his cell daily for in and out calls and kept a written record of them
4- I paniced every time he was five minutes late.
5- I challenged every excuse/reason he gave for just about everything
6- I brought our lack of intimacy up so often I think he couldn't have gotten "in the mood," if I was a perfect 10.
7- I stayed moody and sullen to much of the time
UGH no wonder it didn't work....reading all that, I , just had the urge to leave me
Wow, that's quite a list! Don't beat yourself for having been a normal human being, though. Now you know that doing those things won't get you what you want--a better R. So, it may seem obvious, but what's your action list?
T2, Reading your posts, they might just have well been mine! That "dreaded" feeling that your referring to is anxiety. It's been my constant unwelcome companion for the last two yrs. It's born out of fear. We have so many of them while going through all the ups and downs. We fear the unknown. Everything we were once so certain of and felt so safe with was ripped away from us, and we are left feeling raw and vulnerable. When they recommit, it's still not the same as it was-YET. I too have had past failures at him coming home. Your list could have been mine. It was too soon before. I had not dealt with my anger of the A. and my trust for him was zero, and it showed. Although he said he understood my need for reasurrance, I had to ask for it and I did-often. I did not trust when he said he was going to have to work late, and I wondered constantly what he was doing during the day. I have all those doubts and fears this time too,although time has passed and I know he is not involed with OW other that some phone conversations and one lunch. I believe him when he tells me that he never really loved her,and has always loved me. SO, if I believe that, why do I have all these doubts and fears??? You are a little further down the road than us as we've not talked about him moving back in persay. We both know it will happen, and talk and act as if we know it will. I'm not ready yet. He's not ready yet. I can handle me not being ready, but I want him to really have the desire to come home-no doubts, before he does. I know what it felt like last time with him acting as if he wasn't sure he made the right decision. It made me want even MORE reasurrance! I'm so glad you wrote that list,because it made me see what I can't do again this time. I have to start NOW, although I've been doing a pretty good job of "acting as if" so far. Have you and your H had a serious R talk since you've been back together? We have been dating 3 months and just had the ultimate R talk the other night. I laid it all out-all of it in as non-threatening a way as I could. For the first time we talked about the A without him getting defensive. He took responsiblity for it and it really hit him how it had affected our family. We had to get it in the open and I needed to know what was going on with the OW before we could go to the next level of reconciliation. How does your H repsond if you try to have a R talk with him? Do you feel safe enough yet to try? Your H seems to be moving in slowly. Mine did that. He kept stuff at his old place and never got rid of it all and ended up moving back into it rigth before his lease was up. That's not to say that's what your H is doing. Men are procrastinators! Neither of us want that to happen again. My H does not know that our S has said he'll move out if his Dad moves back home. I only told him that S does not trust him which hurt him deeply but he understands and admits he has to earn the our trust again. I'm not sure you shouldn't follow your gut instincts if you think it might be too soon. You've been through it before. How does this time feel different? How much is your H acting like he REALLY wants to come home. Is he acting different from last time? Are YOU really prepared to do things differently NOW? Maybe your afraid of your own actions. I know I am. I have to be a higher trust level with him before I want him home, or I will sabatoge it again. We're taking a week long trip together the week of Thanksgiving to Colorado and taking our youngest S who is a senior this yr. Our oldest S lives in Denver, and my H wants to get a place in the mountains for us to stay. I know this will go a long way to bringing us closer. It's been ages since we've taken a vacation together,and he is really acting excited about this one. That tells me he's serious about all this. I'll be reading your posts to see how your handling all this because in my thread I just asked for advise for this very thing. I think we're both on our way back to the happily ever after part, but between now and when we finally get there (do we ever really? I hope!)there's this STUFF that has to be dealt with. Grey matter. We have to trust our instincts, and also put what we've learned into serious practice. One day at a time.......Rachael
You do still have that 2x4 don't you?? 
I am sooo kidding!
