One thing we used to do a long time ago were "movie days" where we would get the new release movie from a series (Star Wars... ect) and have en entire day if watching the movies in order ending with the newly realeased DVD.
This week we got Wolverine and planned on having a movie day this weekend, but after what happened on Wed (stresses with Dr's and my pulling back because I was frustrated and mad and did not want to take it out on H) the idea just kinda faded, and when I mentioned it a few times this weekend I would get excuses "After this football game", "I have a headache", "the dog's butt itches and I have to scratch it" (no, I am not kidding)... all of them followed by "Maybe Later". (After the years of hearing those words after the laundry list of excuses I have trouble seeing ML as anything but the words "Maybe Later"... took me forever to figure out what they stood for on the Board!)
So... he has gone to bed in his bedroom... I am in mine on the lap-top... and nothing has chenged from what I see.
We were supposed to head to Barnes and Noble for SSM yesterday (after we both read the 1st chapter online and discussed it together) but when I brought it up I got my "Maybe Later". (I should translate... in this house "Maybe Later" roughtly translates to "not in this lifetime") I cannot drive, so there is no way I can get to the store by myself and the last time I ordered anything online and it was left at my door (I have to have packages left, the delivery men never wait for me to make my way to the door, they have tight schedules) without knocking and all I found was a torm open box and packaging scattered everywhere,(Neighborhood teenagers probably) so I am fretful of risking ordering it online and having it delivered because I really want to read this book.
I am just noting my thoughts here... journaling...
I will redouble my efforts and try to talk to him in the next day or two, to explain again that it was not him... that I know me and I did not want to take my frustration and anger out on him. I made it a point when I did that to tell him that I needed my space for a bit to calm down and that it was not him, but I think he was hurt by it. He never talks about how he is feeling, I have to drag it out of him and I am so very tired of doing that.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
It seems to me that his mother has a power hold or influence over your H's actions, but more importantly...his mind. she apparently was not too keen on son M you if she told him to do so would be committing adulty! So, it appears she was able to affect his manhood with this bit of information. I wonder if it is all due to low testostome or if it's phycological? Strange what happens when mothers interefer. Wonder what she would think about his activity now? Does the church teach what he's doing as being adultry?
It seem completely rude, selfish, and very adnormal for a groom not to be eager to ML to his bride on their wedding night. I think something more is going on here.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Did you respond to his "maybe later" about the book? That might have been a good time to insist on something that was important to you. You could politely say, "No, this is important to me. Unless you've got something more important that we need to do right now, I want to go get this done." The worst he can do is say "no," and it sounds like you hear "no" when he says "later" anyway.
I would caution you not to go off half-cocked thinking you can solve things by dealing with his mother issues. They are probably part of the problem, but just because that was the first thing he came up with to explain his behavior doesn't mean that it's necessarily as important as he thinks. My wife had and still has problems with trust and intimacy from her mother, but addressing them has not solved all our problems. It's not that I want to discourage you, but I don't want you to expect a climactic family discussion where you resolve his religious guilt over marrying the evil divorcee and then things gradually fall into place. I don't think that's the whole issue here. On the other hand, I don't think your mother-in-law is helping, even if that's what she's trying to do, and that includes lecturing your husband for you.
Your reaction to his climbing into bed to cuddle with you is exactly what I would have thought a year or two ago, along with resentful thoughts about how "I'm not your son or your father, I don't want to stop at a hug!" But while you can't avoid having the thought that "maybe he's just testing me," I hope you also think about that thought and realize that it's only one of many possible explanations. The simplest one is that he needed a hug or thought you looked like you needed one, and since he's been thinking about you more lately (clearly not enough, but more) he thought about it at the right time and had the courage to do something about it. That's important.
How important is this church in his life and yours, by the way?
