Magnificent

[mishka422]

I've made it through the weekend.....*sigh*

Journaling only -

Energy level - toilet
Accomplishments today - made lunch and did two loads of laundry - how danged lazy! Spent the rest of the day snoozing (didn't sleep last night) and watching football games (Yea Falcons!)
What did I do with my day today? Wasted it. Gabe took Marc to a festival in the next town over that I knew nothing about. How is it that I never hear about these things? Where does he find out about them? Grrrr...that ticks me off. I'm always looking for things to do with Marc but can't find anything interesting and most importantly....cheap!

Frankly, I think I'm afraid to leave my mom for more than an hour or so unless I'm at work. She has been so sick the last few weeks but it seems to be mostly on dialysis days. I'm beginning to wonder if it's in a small part psychosommatic. Hmmm......she won't go to the doctor. She says she sees enough doctors at dialysis and she doesn't want to make more work for me. The docs at the center don't diagnose anything, they just supervise the kidney function and effectiveness of the dialysis. I can't convince her to go. I even tried the tactic of telling her she was making it worse on me by not going because I'm becoming a prisoner in my own house....still didn't fly.

Loneliness bites. Depression sucks. I'm so sick of all of this. There has to be a better way out of this. Therapy is interesting, but I don't understand how anything she says to me is going to counteract decades of this. I've worked on all of these issues before, using many of the same tactics she has been giving me without seeing any long-term results. How is his going to be different? Just because I'm paying someone to tell me what I already know is it magically going to work better? A mindset is just that....a mind that is SET! How does someone go about convincing themselves that a lie is truth? That is what she is asking me to do. I can't. I hate lies even if they are engineered to make someone feel better in the long run. Still not a truth and that sickens me.