Hi D, I worked late Saturday morning sorry I didn't make your game. (H is full of it).
I have no problem giving you my number but I do not want to be bothered by anyone and there problems or about money & bills. I have enuff of my own problems now. I would like to talk to you. I don't want you to get in between whats going on. If I start get bothered or texts I will change my number cause I can't fight anymore. I love you cant wait to hear from you.
Love Your Daddy (phone number)
H has a slight learning disability so that is why the words are spelled wrong and punctuation etc.
Now, I don't know where he gets I'm bothering him when all I did was send copies and still do of statements for loans. So D called and H said that he isn't ready to talk to S yet, maybe after a week or so, and that he felt betrayed by her because she told her C about him drinking. The rest of the conversation went well. Thank God! He told her that he wouldn't be able to make her game this week either because of work but I know he is lying. But he wanted to see her. I want them to get their relationship back together. So I didn't get on the phone or anything, and I blocked my number when she used my phone so he would answer his phone for her.
The next morning he is calling me about bills of course yelling saying he will pay 1/2 of the one loan but doesn't know if he will have the money to pay other loan at the end of the month (what a joke). I can't believe he called, tells our D another words that he doesn't want me calling and he calls me. Then he was texting me saying that he put the wrong id # on the check. I told him he would have to call the bank then because I'm out of minutes because of our S being in the hospital. I say our S because he did raise him. His response was "yeah, whatever". Then he texted me back again and said he called the bank and just got home and was going to bed. I didn't text anything back.
Then he gets into stuff like it's all my fault that we are separated or I should say for him leaving. Tells me that all of the time. I just agreed. I'm so tired of his lies with this depression he doesn't even remember half of the stuff he did or said to me.
Last night she called H while I was at my second job and he wants to see her on Sunday and she asked me if it would be okay and I told her yes but only if I take you and pick you up because he isn't suppose to be seeing her in the courts eyes because of the drinking and driving and not agreeing to get tested. I didn't tell D that about him or courts.
So I guess we will see how it turns out. I just can't believe he was mad at a 12yr. old and his own D yet for telling the truth. He said to me also that now he can get out of work in the morning and go for a couple and not have to worry about anyone saying anything about it. He never drank like that, so I don't understand at all. I never stopped him from going anywhere or doing anything, I actually use to call my B and ask him to please call H and ask him to go out or something. H doesn't have many friends at all.
June, I am getting child support and I have to wait until Jan. to go back and get spousal....long story but I will make out better if I wait because I just found out that you can only go every 6 months. But I'm praying that we will be piecing our M back by then.
Kevin, I know what you mean about my first H but my second H did raise him and that is the only F he really knows so June is right. I know my S's real F loves him but he has been so messed up for so many years that there is nothing there, and my S loves my H. S actually asked H if he would be his Daddy when he was 5 yrs. old and H said he would definitely be his Daddy. So my S is very hurt but S wants to call him I told him to give it a couple of days because H being ill probably can't handle 2 children at one time as far as his emotions and S understood.
When someone you love hurts you, that is a knife in the back. But when that someone hurts your kids, it is hard to hold back the rage.
Lost, dont ever doubt yourself for any of the blaming your H is doing now. You are the one working 2 jobs and being the foundation of a rock for the kids. I worry that your lack of time for any fun will cause you too much stress. By all means, go out an enjoy some platonic fun once in a while.
Lost, Please save these letters for the courts. Please document the phone call and text messages. It's important to do so!!!
I really feel for you and hope for the best! Kerry is right- you have been a rock for your children and hubby has been trying to knock you down. Detaching from him is best. Perhaps you can only communicate via texts or emails. Manipulative that he feels entitled to only contact you and not want you to ever contact him. Perhaps eventually you will have to do all communication throuhg a lawyer for the both of you.
You are wonderful, your hubby is so very unwell. Stay strong. I think you are awesome!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hang in there Lost! Your H is hurting, and he is medicating his pain with alcohol and other things. The more you give him space and leave him alone the better. I know for business matters this is tough, but the more you remind him of bills, etc. you become the nagging wife he hates. The courts will make sure he takes care of loans and all that anyway. Try to separate finances as much as possible, but when you have contact about business stuff, be cool, calm and collected. He will notice the change, and that you're not needy and falling apart, and it will surprise him. Hang in there!
Others can chime in here, but I don't think it's healthy to read his letters to your daughter. They weren't written to you. Personally that would hack me off if I were him. It's probably better for you to be relieved that he's writing her, and leave it at that.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Hang in there Lost! Your H is hurting, and he is medicating his pain with alcohol and other things. The more you give him space and leave him alone the better. I know for business matters this is tough, but the more you remind him of bills, etc. you become the nagging wife he hates. The courts will make sure he takes care of loans and all that anyway. Try to separate finances as much as possible, but when you have contact about business stuff, be cool, calm and collected. He will notice the change, and that you're not needy and falling apart, and it will surprise him. Hang in there!
Others can chime in here, but I don't think it's healthy to read his letters to your daughter. They weren't written to you. Personally that would hack me off if I were him. It's probably better for you to be relieved that he's writing her, and leave it at that.
Well, I'll chime in. He's writing emotionally abusive letters to his children and you're all they have left to alleviate that. I think you need to know what kind of psycho bullsh!t he's pulling on the children. And I think you should keep them for the courts. If and when you come to custody issues these letters are IMPORTANT.
I didn't see anything psychologically abusive in those letters. And Lost has begged her H to contact D, and you can't control what he tells her. Just better to not read it IMO. Over-analyzing doesn't help.
Lost, I'm reading a common thread here, let me give you some male perspective. Feel free to chime in with perspective on my thread Your H wants to be left alone. His letter makes that clear, that he's scared if he gives your D his number that you'll call and bug him about stuff. He wants to talk to D, not you. It seems you're having a really hard time detaching and leaving him alone. It's really the best thing you can do now.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Lost - I'm going to be a little blunt. Please don't take it the wrong way though, it's said with love and concern for you and your kids.
Like Jon said, your H wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to hear about the bills he left behind, he doesn't want to hear about any problems you are having with the kids, he probably is trying to forget you exist. Why? He's stuck inside his own issues and can't man up and be the H and father he signed on to be. He may never do that again. That all depends on if he realizes he needs meds and therapy to be able to handle the responsibilities that most men and women face on a daily basis. He's weak. He has to be weak all by himself.
I do disagree with one thing Jon said though. That letter was emotional blackmail and abusive in that sense.
Quote:
If I start get bothered or texts I will change my number cause I can't fight anymore.
That is where he crossed the line. Simply stating that he doesn't want her to pass along his number would have been fine. Saying the above was threatening her. He threatened to take himself completely out of her life again if his number somehow got to Lost and she began contacting him. He put his D in the position of chosing between having contact with her father (albeit by phone and letters when she knows he only lives about 15 minutes away - sick!), or being honest and open with her mother who is always there for her, takes care of her completely and is her total support system. That is a sick and twisted thing for a parent to do.
Lost - I totally understand your frustrations about the bills that he walked away from. My H did the same. Left me holding the bag for every bill, every loan, all the same expenses as when he was in the house while I lost 75% of the household income. I'm still paying everything and even though our D has been final nearly a year and required him to pay CS and half of all cc bills and loans I've never seen one penny. He doesn't even pay the CS amount he's supposed to. Granted, he was out of work totally for 4 months and hasn't had a full-time job in over a year, but he doesn't care to be reminded that he owes me money. As far as he's concerned, it doesn't exist.
So, why did I tell you all of that? Because I want you to understand that there is really nothing you can do about any of it even though your H apparently has a great income. Unless you are willing to file papers in court - file for D, file for garnishments, force CS - if you are not willing to do that, then don't bother him about it. It will only make things worse.
Secondly, you got your H to contact your D. Now, don't say another word about it to him or her. His R with her, or lack thereof, is entirely on his shoulders. As long as you are not saying anything about it then your D will never associate his lack of contact with her (assuming he slips back into whatever crevice he's been living in) as being your fault.
If anything I have said has offended you, I apologize. I don't want to sound harsh, but I care very deeply about what is happening with you and your kids.
Take care of you. Take care of them. Be the best Lost you can be! To heck with H. He can twist in the wind until he realizes that he has a problem and gets help. You can't help him.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Kevin, this boy has a father. The wayward hubby. He has been raised by him. I hope "blood" does not mean that much. I certainly know it would hurt my adopted cousin to know that she is different b/c she is not blood relatives....
june72, I wasn't saying he didn't have a father. Thats why I said he needs a strong father figure in his life. The current father has left. All I was saying is that it is unfortunate that his own dad has ceased to take responsibility as a father as well. Her son has nobody to turn to right now that can guide him and be the strong father he needs.
But you know, now that I think about it. There are programs of men who are mentors to young men as father figures. It would take a little research, but I remember seeing something like that a long time ago. I will have to look into it. If I remember correctly, it was a really great program.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
i just spent last night and tonight reading through your whole thread and i'm amazed at your love and persistence after 10 months. my wife has been gone almost 4 months with essentially no contact for 3 months and i am in a really bad position. my wife is also sick, our therapist today said he's 90% sure she has a mood disorder. we can only try and keep the faith that they'll return to the people they always were and get the help they need. we gotta work on emotionally detaching and trusting that they'll come around eventually, but not waiting for that day to live our lives. i think you should try to get out socially as much as you can. i also wanted to tell you about DBSA, the depression and bipolar support alliance, and NAMI, the national alliance on mental illness. they have a lot of resources (including support groups) for family members of people with mental illness. search for their websites and see if they have any resources that can help you.
i hope you're hanging in there, and make sure your son's getting the mental health care he needs.
i think you're doing the right thing.
-ryepatch
me 30 WAW 30 M 8 yrs T 9.5 yrs
3 cats 9,6,6
W left 5/31/09 W stopped most contact 06/26/09 W filed 7/22/09 (haven't been served)
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.