I gave myself a calgon bath (hoping IT would take me away) but it didn't. As I lay there soaking...I was sulking.
I cannot describe the physical reaction I'm having today. It's scary. I'm trembling, my stomach is upset and my heart is racing, literally.
I think it's my subconcious trying to tell me this is NOT a good thing. That the timing for my H to come home IS NOT right....for him or for me.
I was fighting the urge to cry, as I lay there soaking in the tub, because I'm angry at myself for letting this unfold this way. This WAS not the way I wanted it. I wanted everything out in the open (that is, our pre A issues and post A fears and concerns) BEFORE he came back home.
I fear I've surrendered to much ground by allowing him to slide in here at his pace and on his terms and schedule. I fear that he will expect to NOT have to deal with R talks or make any great effort to reassure me of his trustworthiness, remorse or faithfulness and commitment to remain in this marriage for 'better or worse' THIS time.
I am having flashbacks of our last failed attempt. I know the mistakes I MADE that time...but I don't know that my H has bothered to identify HIS.
He just called a little bit ago, he's on his way home...early....I wish he wasn't....I don't know how to deal with this today.
I want to go to sleep...for a week...and wake up feeling better. T2
