Hello, This would be my first post even though I have been lurking and asorbing much in the shadows for quite some time. I think its time to truly use the resources that are available here and looking forward to rolling up my sleeves to do...or not do what ever it takes to get through all of this.
Here's my story, I am 48 and my wife is 48 and we have been married for 21 years. Four kid's ages S19,D19,S16 & S14. Difficulties throughout the years in our marriage and have done a few rounds of MC through the years. Most recent MC was right around the first of the year but that did not go well. Also attended Retrovaille back in April which also did not have much of a chance for success due to wife being involved in an emotional affair although was denying that at the time.
We have had numerous issues in the past as well came into the marriage with a few as well. On our way home after dropping off our two oldest (twins) at college we had a big blow out fight on the way home. Shortly after that is when I started noticing major changes, wanting to run triathalons, new clothes & make up (my god we have spent a fortune on wrinkle creams) and a huge interest in new music. The ILYBIDLY was presented at the beginning of November 2008 after I came home after visiting the twins in a grumpy mood.
I of course have been doing all the wrong things as far as begging, pleading and crying even though shortly after having the ILYBIDLY bomb dropped, I went out and read both Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. I have read numerous other books as well....5 Love Languages, The Seven Principles, Fighting for Your Marriage(MC assignment she refused to do even though the MC was her idea) along with many, many more. Done a few of the faith based books as well, loved "The Shack" read "Fireproof" and anything Tony Dungy wrote. Yea, for a while there I was hanging out in "those" bookstores, yanno the christian ones (what were you thinking?) and no there is absolutely nothing wrong with that actually very much is right about all of that. Just trying to keep my sense of humor as best I can. Currently I am reading Emotional Infidelity and just read MidLife for Dummies posted under resources on this forum and am wondering why anyone in MLC would think that they are unique.
I have and continue to look at myself and change....lord I can do that the rest of my life. I have and well we have many many issues. I have been extremely successful in GAL'ing, and continue to work on detaching although I find it difficult at times, especially when the validation part should be thrown into the mix. I try to be a fixer...I spent alot of time in my youth as Alan Landers...Ann Landers unknown secret brother.
I have rediscovered my faith and find at times it is something and at times the only thing I have to lean on. That is also one of the main reasons I am here is I need more to lean on and I need to keep my strength and convictions going. In that process I hope that I can return the favor as well.
I recognize that this is a long and difficult process...and when examing where I may be along that road I find that my spouse is solidly in the Anger and Replay stage. I feel that the Anger is starting to subside but realistically anger is something that we both have struggled with through the years and one that I really hadn't taken responsibilty for my issue until the ILBIDLY bomb was dropped. I watch it and really feel empowered with addressing it and having success dealing with it. Unfortunately, I am not allowed any anger, frustration and many times even if I don't have those feelings they will be interpreted that I do. Oh well...that is part of the MLC I am thinking.
As far as the replay stage is concerned, she has been chasing after a 31 year old singer/songwriter wannabe/IT Systems guy. See above re: newfound interest in new music. She continues to stalk him even though I know that back in late May he gave her the "We are at different stages of our lives...I want a family of my own and you already have your family, missive." He also said (in an email she left accidently on the computer) that they had discussed that on a couple of previous occasions.
She tends to pursue a few other guys as well, anyone that says she looks great (she does look great and I have told her that for years). I asked/told her she needs to go find what she wants, who she wants. However she wants me to move out or at least split time with me moving in parents as to not spend any money. That is a cruel thing... because where the hell do you think my issues came from in the first place. At this time though, I know what I want and I am not the one looking for something else and I feel it is important to be here for my two boys here at home, give them some stabilty in this nightmare.
There is so much more....but I'm thinking this is enough to wet the appetite and you guys are very good at asking for information on what is important. Let me know what you want to hear next? My issues? My wifes? How I think the GB Packers are going to do this season? Please, keep me in check, in your thoughts and prayers and I will do the same. Thanks....
