Your H sounds a lot like the old GIMA. I love my kids more than anything. And, I was impatient, unreasonable and overprotective with them, especially my S. I now have a much different R with them that is the best it has ever been. Last night had to discipline S (which I did by "fining" him $1 - according to him, the death penalty) after a very long, attitude filled day by him), but I do it now from a loving perspective.
The point is, I suspect there is something else driving your H's need to control/protect the kids. Could be insecurity, lack of self worth (he really doesn't like himself and the kids get the brunt of his frustration he has with himself), could just be not knowing a way to parent the kids positively (they don't come with instruction manuals, unfortunately).
What really troubles me (and you I'm sure) is his refusal to see a C, either for him, you or the kids.
Have you guys had a heart to heart about C for the kids? You might get him to agree to it if it is for them, not so much for saving the M. You could spin it as C to help both of you learn how to best co-parent the kids given the possibility of S and D.
This,
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I feel like I need to have a couple of sessions with a C, consult with a L, and then be very smart into putting plan into action.
Yes, calling around again tomorrow for a C; trying to find one who will accept my insurance.
FUnny thing, I know I am doing the right thing, but I feel guilty for thinking about S.
Good thing is that H replaced the tv in the basement so I can start on the treadmill again, had been doing DVDs and was getting bored. Actually, he replaced the tv in our bedroom with a new flatscreen and put our old tv in the basement. Hmmmm... replaced our bedroom tv with a new one???
A tiny bit of me thinks that means he isn't going anywhere and the other part of me thinks he got another flatscreen so if we S, we both will have an LCD. Whatever, SOOOOOOOOOO not important right now.
I feel numb. Do you ever feel numb from all this? I have gone from feeling like LBS to contemplating being WAW. Emotions are a tad bit more even than they were~ still hurt, really sad, mostly numb.
I just want to be happy again, not for the moment, REALLY HAPPY.
DR book arrived, will start reading this weekend and put GAL plan into action on a grander scale so I can get it together for myself and my boys!!!
Last edited by brownidmom; 09/17/0911:47 PM.
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
I feel numb. Do you ever feel numb from all this? I have gone from feeling like LBS to contemplating being WAW. Emotions are a tad bit more even than they were~ still hurt, really sad, mostly numb.
Yes. At first. It will pass. And you will be up and down as you work on detaching.
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I just want to be happy again, not for the moment, REALLY HAPPY.
And, I think that is the overall goal od DB'ing. I can say I'm happier right now than I can ever remember being. Not happy with my M, but I am happier with me than ever.
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DR book arrived, will start reading this weekend and put GAL plan into action on a grander scale so I can get it together for myself and my boys!!!
Great. One thing. Keep that from your H. The information is for you, not him. You don't want him finding the information and think your changes are only a trick to get him to stay.
Great attitude. My kids are a large part of my focus and inspiration.
Really rough day at today. H woke me up this morning at 4:30 when he sat up in pain, chest pain. Has been having various medical issues over the last year, though he is very athletic, in shape, and healthy. After many tests, nothing found. Part of me thinks he has caused his body harm by carrying this grudge and unforgiving heart around all this time. Stress maybe.
Anyway, H wouldn't let me take him to ER. I told him I would wake the boys and we would take him. I asked if this was a new pain, or one that he had had before. "Let the Drs. be the Drs." My F had his first heart attack a month after he turned 35 and H is 40, so after living with heart issues in my life since the age of 14, I know it is nothing to play with. Luckily, my F just turned 60; he's a walking miracle.
Conversation turned into R talk, so many things said it is all fuzzy now because I'm so sleepy. THe final gist from H was that he just realized that I don't want to take the blame for this. Oh contrare, mon frere! I will take full responsibility for what I have done, which is lied to you about sleeping with another man when I was 19 yo, before you and I ever had sex; but I WILL NOT be held accountable for anything I have not done!!!
I think he is moving into the guest room. I asked point blank and he would neither confirm or deny~"Won't that require a conversation?" was the exact response. I replied that I wasn't suggesting it was even a bad idea, just wanted to know.
Work was exhausting actually. Deadlines, then priorities change, PITB employee, on and on...
So, one of the things Dr. said to me was not to leave my job or ask for old job back. I am a manager with a team of 22 and with all M distractions and headaches, work is even harder. They just posted another job I am qualified for, would be a lateral move, so same money, but less stress because it isn't management. I'm contemplating putting in for it. I will pray on this because I don't want to make a wrong move. Just thinking that being able to leave when I am SUPPOSED to leave wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm a salaried employee and managers don't get anything for extra work.
Honestly, I am just too tired to think tonight. H just went to pick up some japanese food for dinner. Friday is always movie night, kids' pick. Doubt I'll make it through till the end without having to go upstairs.
I will start reading DR tomorrow and spend quality time with boys and try to enjoy the weekend, no matter the mood of my H!
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
Indifference. That is what I was faced with all weekend. Barely spoke 15 words, if that. I am wondering if this is really better for the kids than living separately but not witnessing zero communication?
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
You're right, I know. I didn't let him bring me too far down. It was just like when a conversation was going on between all of us, he actually made a face when he had to respond to me.
In reading many other posts, there is one huge difference in mine- we aren't really even at the point where how one speaks, what one does, how what one does, can be issues. He won't allow them to be issues because he is consumed with me being a liar and his being right!!! The issue here is trust! There are no affairs, no ILYBINILWY. He is just choosing to believe things that aren't true. Will DBing work for that?
I will do it just for myself and for the boys. Just not sure how it will help us when the issue is lack of trust and you can't rebuild trust without talking and without being given the opportunity.
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
It was just like when a conversation was going on between all of us, he actually made a face when he had to respond to me.
DBing often recommend not initiating the conversation. He should initiate most conversations when possible. That should cut down on some problems. If he still would make a face when he initiates the conversation, then I would call him on it. Say that's disrespectful, I will not talk to someone making faces at me (I wouldn't put up with that with my 9 year old, much less a grown man). Then if he continues to be disrespectful, walk away.
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He won't allow them to be issues because he is consumed with me being a liar and his being right!!! The issue here is trust! There are no affairs, no ILYBINILWY. He is just choosing to believe things that aren't true. Will DBing work for that?
DBing works for everything. Michele has another good book about how you can use DBing techniques in all areas of your life in her "Change your life" book. I highly recommend that one-it's one of my favorite books.
I don't really think the issue is one of trust. More like your H is having issues with insecurity, low self esteem, or whatever. You haven't done anything to betray his trust. DBing is good for you, but at some point for your marriage to continue long-term I think he will have to work on his issues, seek IC or whatever.
