HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[missmyfriend]

25yearsmlc, thank you for responding to my request and your well thought out posts.

I have been seeing a C for a couple of weeks and I have been concentrating on my "haves" and not my "have nots". D17 and S14 were dropped off at my house after my "ex" wife called me, asking if I wanted them early for my birthday. They ended up staying throughout the next week and D17 and S12 only went back to their moms this past Friday when S14 and I went to a scouting event a couple of hours away from my house.

D17 has continued to stay at her moms although we spent the day together yesterday and S14 asked if he could stay another week with me. I told him no. Just kidding.

I started to realize, regardless of where my children are, they love me and, as far as parent-child Rs go, it is pretty solid. I think my irrational fear brought on a state of depression that was hard to overcome. I still get sad at times thinking of how things have changed for all of us but I do know I have countless blessings.

While what you say makes sense to me (speaking of moving on instead of being stuck, not allowing my ex to cake eat, that she is no longer my W because of the legal D and her desire to have the marriage over, becoming truly happy and displaying that behavior for my children, etc), I am trying learn how to be and exhibit strength without considering the M to be a thing of the past. If I move to that point, I will not ever allow a restoration of our marriage. The reason why I still (only here) call her my W is that I do consider the M over legally but not spiritually and I am trying to love her, from a distance, without speaking the words of love or direct actions.

And I also don't want you thinking that I am placing blame squarely on my ex wife's shoulders. I know most of what I have done to contribute to what happened. I think I gave the wrong impression in a post since some others are familiar with my sitch. Also, I don't believe in that I can ever be good enough for God just as we can never be good enough to earn salvation. I know it is a free gift. I am aware of a lot of scripture that speaks of rewards for being faithful and carrying out His commands but that may for here or the afterlife.

And while there is a free will, God has often made things challenging for people when their wills bumped into His will. He has even softened hearts when it was His will.

I am curious. Do you feel that dating others is necessary to show that one has "moved on"? I respect your opinion so I am not baiting you in any way.

[ACJ]

Do you feel that dating others is necessary to show that one has "moved on"?

Depends why you are dating them. If it is just to show your X that you have moved on then no it's not a good thing (or necessary) but if it is because you want to date and enjoy being with that person then yes it is a good thing and does show that you are slowly moving on.

[missmyfriend]

Thanks ACJ.

My thoughts on dating is for pure reasons, that is, not to "show" my x that she can "lose" me or earn her respect. To be honest, and I am not saying this to be hurtful or harsh to her but I don't think she respects herself. If she doesn't, then it is really hard for someone to respect another person.

I can admit that I do not want her back as the person she is now because she isn't remotely wanting to deal with "us". I don't want someone who doesn't want me. Now, I am not saying I don't love her. I do. But because I do love her, it wouldn't be fair to someone else I would date since I cannot be completely available to the other person.

Right now, dating would be a bad idea for me until I can love my ex without it interfering with a different relationship. I have no idea how long that may take.

In the meantime, I enjoy my children. I like seeing them grow and become independent. I have no problems making friends and not worried in the least if I will be able to date later.

mmf

[Grace_O]

Hey mmf,

I agree that unless you are truly available to someone else dating should not be in the mix.

I don't date, but I do go out and kick up some dirt occasionally. I think being able to connect with people is more important than dating. Just my 2 cents.

HUGS

[ACJ]

MMF,

Let me ask you a question that somebody once asked me and I found very difficult to answer:

Are you in love with your XW or the idea of her?

As I said I found it very difficult to answer that question when first asked it but eventually I came to the conclusion that I was in love with the idea of my STBXH. I do love him but I no longer think I am in love with him. This is not just semantics. There is a difference.

You may have a different opinion about how you feel about your XW but acknowledging the actuality to yourself may help you to decide whether to keep on standing or whether to move forward with your life in whatever guise that may take.

[missmyfriend]

Grace, I really miss you

Hugs back to you and kick up some dirt for me too!

ACJ, excellent question. I have asked myself that many times over the past couple of years. I trust my response when I am at peace with myself instead of the points where the emotional roller coaster is beating me up. At times of peace, which I am feeling pretty good right now, I know I love her for the person who was my friend for many years (about 23 years with about 18 - 20 of those being good).

I think the love I have for her is the love I have for family, not an intense animal love that is physical. Those feelings are gone...for now. I love her for being the mother of my three children. I love her for the things she used to mean when we were all together as a family.

Do I love her has a husband loves a wife? I don't think so. Could I again? I don't know. Could she love me again? I think she has to love herself (not in a narcissistic way) first before she can love anyone else.

But I do think I love her in the way that one would love a family member regardless of what they do or don't do.

Does that answer your question?

[ACJ]

Does that answer your question?

V much so b/c it's pretty much the same conclusion I came to.

Based on that (and the fact that my STBXH is having a baby with OW) I decided for myself it was time for me to move on. I guess that decision made a difference to the way I came across to other people. Suddenly friends I have made whilst in this turmoil started telling me how fantastic I looked. One guy I know even told me I looked fabulous in a dress and asked what had happened to me. I laughed to myself b/c I've worn that particular dress many times in his company and he has never noticed before (we are just friend he has a beautiful GF.

Then the unthinkable happened. I went to a party, met a guy who was a mutual friend of the girl whose party it was and we hit it off immediately. Admittedly it didn't last long (although we have kept in touch) but my change of out look on life clearly made a difference. More importatnly it made me realise that I am an important person in my own right and I can't explain how good that made me feel.

We each get to that point in our own time but we have to decide when/if we are ready. You will get there and when you do it will come totally unexpected.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc, thank you for responding to my request and your well thought out posts.

I think my irrational fear brought on a state of depression that was hard to overcome. I still get sad at times thinking of how things have changed for all of us but I do know I have countless blessings.

While what you say makes sense to me (speaking of moving on instead of being stuck, not allowing my ex to cake eat, that she is no longer my W because of the legal D and her desire to have the marriage over, becoming truly happy and displaying that behavior for my children, etc), I am trying learn how to be and exhibit strength without considering the M to be a thing of the past. If I move to that point, I will not ever allow a restoration of our marriage.

Why do you say this?
The reason why I still (only here) call her my W is that I do consider the M over legally but not spiritually and I am trying to love her, from a distance, without speaking the words of love or direct actions.

And I also don't want you thinking that I am placing blame squarely on my ex wife's shoulders. I know most of what I have done to contribute to what happened.

Good insights...those will help you in the future no matter what. Hold onto those insights so your pain produces something positive. Know what I mean?

I think I gave the wrong impression in a post since some others are familiar with my sitch. Also, I don't believe in that I can ever be good enough for God just as we can never be good enough to earn salvation. I know it is a free gift. I am aware of a lot of scripture that speaks of rewards for being faithful and carrying out His commands but that may for here or the afterlife.

And while there is a free will, God has often made things challenging for people when their wills bumped into His will. He has even softened hearts when it was His will.

I am curious. Do you feel that dating others is necessary to show that one has "moved on"? I respect your opinion so I am not baiting you in any way.

I don't think it's necessary to show you've moved on, b/c then it's about your ex's reaction. She is not in this equation. This is about you and your life and your forward progress. What do you want and need from your life?

Sounds like some companionship for you is wanted, in the future down the road a week/month or year or two....and there is value in your kids seeing you happy and in a healthy R someday. More than you know. Hence my little speech on what we model for our children when they face their own demons or setbacks and we all have them.

I think your answer about loving your wife for who she was and who she gave you (ie mother of your children and the good years you did have) is a good one. And you are right (and healthy) not to want someone who doesn't want you back b/c that is not healthy. I don't think Love works that way although there are often gaps in who loves the other one more, etc. and a yin and a yang.

Imho, over time, IF we are healthy, we cannot truly love someone who really doesn't treat us right or lovingly. I just don't think it's a good thing to do and it seems inherently unhealthy.

I think it is why we get frustrated at beaten women who go back to their tormentors b/c they "love him"....Does this make sense to you? And yes you can have warm feelings for someone and yet not be "in love" with them or need to "do" anything about it.

I mean, for instance, I am not in love with my high school bf, but I do still "love" him partly the way I did decades ago, but I don't want to leave my h for him. I don't know if that clears it up for you.

I don't see a conflict between having warm loving feelings for old flames & old times, and in your case, a FAMILY, and moving on with the rest of your life.

When you are ready to date a woman and not "use her to show your ex w that you are moving on", then you are ready. IF you date before then, you are using another woman and no one else needs to be hurt anymore.

I have a neighbor who's 42 y/o w, died suddenly, with 4 kids. It has been 2 years and he is not at all ready to date. He says he can "barely meet the kids' needs" and in their case they all have lost a mother permanently.

But he said that he is "ready to be ready", and maybe that's where you are. Some couples do reconcile after div. I have 2 relatives who did that but it took several years, and they had each "moved on" and improved as individuals. They made themselves into better partners as I think you are wanting to do for yourself. I love the insight you have about your role in the breakdown of your m and think it'll help you in the future no matter what.

Maybe your ex w is going thru a prolonged phase heavy duty MLC...I don't know. Maybe she'll wake up and see your value out of the blue. But she did divorce you, and now she wants more of the kids than you're okay with, and she doesn't treat you right, at all.

My gut says, fight for your kids. They need to know they are the most important parts of your life, b/c it's obvious they were not to their mother. And once you feel as rock solid as you seem to, once you really know that they know how much you love them, perhaps you'll be ready to share your heart with a woman again.

Good luck,
J-

[25yearsmlc]

MMF,

are you there? Are you okay?
j-

[missmyfriend]

25yrsmlc, I'm fine. I have been distracted a lot lately with work and such. I simply forgot to check in, lol.

I'm doing really well.