He got back last night from Canada. I hadn't talked to him at all since he left, then he called Friday night. I answered it from the bar beer garden, but couldn't really hear him. He seemed surprised I was out.
Last night he came over to watch a movie with Nathan and play with Sydney. After they were asleep he told me that he hadn't spoken to me about the petition b/c he didn't want anything he said to be said out of pressure or reaction. He wanted it to be his actual feelings. Long story short:
*He wants me, not her. He still has feelings for her, but decided he WANTS me. Not just that he ought to, should, its best for kids, etc etc. He wants to.
*He is drafting an email to be sent to her, with me cc'ed. He is going to give it to me tonight for approval before sending it.
*He knows he has to end it in no uncertain terms, telling her he chooses me. Anything less than directly telling her to leave him alone forever will not work. (i.e., telling her it is the best for everyone, he owes it to me or the kids, etc etc. That leaves her room to win him back)
*He is worried she will freak out, like last years' driving by our house blaring love songs. She has his work # so that is a concern of his. He will block her # from his cell but cannot change the work office phone...
*He still feels largely responsible for her financial situation but he knows that is something he will have to work through, feeling like he owes her.
*He misses me, wants to rebuild trust, intimacy, etc etc
After he shared, I told him I had been on Match.com and had a date set up. I wanted him to understand that is why I filed the petition. Because I am too young to be in limbo instead of being in love. He seemed taken back by it but said he understood. He said he knew why I filed, that at 34 I needed to move on with my life.
I was harsh. I explained to him that all throughout he had been getting ILYs, hugs, kisses, 'I miss you', etc. That I had been getting NOTHING for a year. That he thought he had been in pain and turmoil but he was getting his ego stroked by 2 women at the same time while I was...not. That I could not feel sympathy for his predicament knowing he was ML, flirting, etc with her the past several months while I was alone.
So that is where it stands. I am not dropping the petition, I haven't seen reason to at this point. But I will look at the e-mail when he shows it to me tonight.
Oh, and he admitted (duh) that last fall was at best a half-hearted attempt to reconcile on his end. He tried to say we were both going through the motions and I came down hard on him again. Called major b.s. on that one. He said that this time is different, he will put 100% of himself into rebuilding.
I asked if that were true why he was a dick last week when I asked why he hadn't done a no-contact with her. He said bc he was still working through feelings of guilt and being torn but that while he was in Canada he had an experience (too long to put here) where he wound up crying in public over something that reminded him of me and he realized he did still love me, had never stopped loving me, and wanted a future with me and not her.
