CeMar, Just wanted to say the Lostlove made some really good points. I'd like to comment on the reason why I think there is that double standard ok? Remember,I'm not saying that any double standard is right, just asking you, for a moment, to step into the woman's shoes. In our society, historically,the TV sitcom version, the man is always after the wife for sex who then 'meters' it out to him . (Everybody Loves Raymond) We all buy into this a little bit. We marry, have a great sexual R. IF the woman in the R starts withhholding, the man tends to outerdirect his anger and resentment. IF he tells his buds, they all shake their heads in concurrance: she's a bitch or women do that for control, or we men NEED sex, they want 'feelings'. In other words, the man is actually MORE of a man because he is macho and sexually driven. His wife withholding isn't about him being a man... Now lets reverse: when a man starts withholding sex from his wife, it 'isn't the way we are told it should be' Instead of outerdirecting our resentment at first, we feel so hurt and afraid: why doesn't he desire me, why won't he hold me and love me, what is wrong with me. We inner direct most often...the pain of rejection pretty much kills our self esteem and hope. Depression usually follows and then: the nag, the bitch, the critical wife appears. This isn't an excuse for the behavior. The truth is that there ARE gender based differences. And how men and women respond to their partners withholding sex is different, and culturally driven by 'normal expectations' My H's withholding hurt me so badly for so long that I don't think I can recover. He only saw the critical wife that developed...wouldn't acknowledge that there might have been a causal reason for it happening after 10 years of a non critical wife....seemed perplexed that the wife changed, but wouln't consider why or how it happened..no accountability. I don't think that in the 20-20 show BOTH wives were considering leaving were they? I thougnht the one whose husband had a psych problem with an attractive,exotic dancer wife was, but the nagging wife (and boy was she) seemed to revert back as soon as her H was able to 'SEE' how his withholding hurt her and changed her. I thought Michele told that woman up front: no one is sexually stimulated by criticism so STOP IT.
Anyway, please don't think I am excusing bad behavior....only asking that you try to find out the reasons behind what is driving the behavior, and then go from there.
