Thanks BR. I agree with you totally - you know the hardest part for me is that H doesn't see himself as having an A as he told me that our M was over before he did anything about it ... and I DO ABSOLUTELY believe him. Makes it all the harder though as he now believes that he is RIGHT to be doing what he is doing and can not understand me when I say that what he is doing is illegal and immoral. He questioned me on it the other evening, when I spat the words at him. He just looks at me with an aliens eyes and says that I am deluding myself.
He keeps telling me not to confuse the two issues. He says that he told me our M was over and then, he admits with poor timing, he was propositioned by the tramp. Fool him accepted and fool me for having allowed myself to be forced out of the country to allow it to happen.
I could kick myself sometimes for having acted as I did. I should have stayed here and toughed it out but he said "if you love me let me go" - and yet I was the stupid one to leave. I'm so glad that I took bmf's advice and came back.
H is actively encouraging me to go and have an A or start dating. Yeuck - the thought sickens me but of course, this would merely assuage his guilt. Not playing that game.
Feeling really wrung out today. Have had gf, her D and GD around for lunch but it took everything out of me. They haven't been to my home before (new gf) and they were saying how lovely it was and what a fool H was to have jumped ship when he has all of this at his finger tips. Just kind of made me feel worse. Now that they are gone, I'm so very alone ......... I'm feeling so broken and fragile at the moment.
It's taking me all that I have not to phone H and say "I want to speak with you - I want to work on this together - I know that you are not happy right now but we CAN be in the future" - all the wrong things, I know - and I won't do it but the temptation is so great. I'm sure that you have all been where I am today.
Lesson: don't drink wine with gf at lunch time!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
