Didn't take the meds today,feeling like my old self,my mind is working and my body has been able to follow.
I'll post at nite after work, at work I need to work, your answers give me something to look forward to.
Actually was able to think somethings thru and for the first time in 2 months, I slept, I napped, watched tv and I'm going to drink a couple beers with my dad.
I've got a plan, several plans. But you know what,none of them include S. She's too mean anyway,but I know she's hurting and I had to laugh at the extremes she is taking to avoid me,it's really kind of funny, I couldn't believe I didn't take it personally. At somepoint married or not,later in life I'm going to remind her what a @$%% she was and we're going to laugh.I have been so far on some of the stunts.
Knowledge and Humor has done me well.
Realized I was looking at some outside influences to make me feel better about myself and this.
You were right.
It all starts with me,I need to change my thinking.I have to control myself before anyones going to change.Me,the kids,her.
When you all were down, what did you say to yourself,that snapped you out of a down thought?Because that is the deal,my thought is what controls my emotions which is driving everyone nuts.
I had been going about somethings all wrong. There were some changes that they wanted me to change,some of those were good.But they would've been fake.
There were other things they wanted me to change,that no way in heck that would ever be me and it's too late to regret anyway.
I'm not a lay down or be a yes man,that's what the kids want.Not going to change that.They want me to not blow up really quick,then be nice.I can change that.
For example D and I talked Thurs. said friends over fine,her friends over if they smoke,smoke outside.
Longstory short was packing stuff and I smelled smoke,her door was locked. Now I could've broken it down,I had more fun watching boys jump out of her window.Then I again explained there is a difference between disappointed and Mad. Tonite I'm disappointed, next time I going to be flipping Mad. A couple of months ago, she would've seen me break down a door and I'm not above beating up some teenagers.
Jack in this case I chose to be passive,then I'll be agressive. D's been warned.
I neverminded being in trouble,my entire life the most fun I had included a grounding or now a seperation but I never liked to disappoint. I'm not in trouble with S for things I didn't accept or forgive myself for. I'm not in trouble for things I've accepted or forgiven her for.
I'm in trouble because she has had trouble accepting and forgiving things she has asked of herself,she needs to do that before she can accept and forgive me.
Both the kids said yesterday,I always favored their mom.I can change that.They said be mean back to mom,not going to do that.
I have a lot of work to do,but it's all on myself being a better myself.
I feel good!
And I believe in God,this is his will. I know that God or a higher power to some, has led me to you. Thank you.
He is giving me just as much an opportunity to be my true self as her.
I haven't been an I in a long time. I haven't been myself in a longer time.
