Help Me Bust My Divorce

[Fightin4mywife]

Ok, I'm getting very desperate. First a little info:
Name: Jim
Registered: 7-15-09
Live: Dallas
M: 25 1/2 yrs
Petition Filed: Dec 08 (by wife)
Separated: 3/18/09
M: 49
W: 51
Children: Girl 22, boys 16 and 14
This is a classic WAW senario. Looking back I can see all the signs as plain as day. Trouble is, I didn't see them until I was standing in my doorway with the petition in my hands and my wife exiting the back door fearing my reaction. To say the least, I was devastated. Still am. She had reasons. Valid? Maybe. Necessary? Not in this lonely, rejected, hubby's opinion. As Michele indicates in her books, the collateral damage seems to be making this whole process a huge, destructive mess. There's lots to the story, but for the immediate, my concern is our current status. I was served on Jan. 3, 09. Hearing to enforce temporary orders was on the 8th. I convinced her to work with me to attempt reconciliation. Revised orders allowed for co-habitation, with joint everything, just as normal. I got my little heine in gear. I found the worlds greatest pastoral counselor. He helped me through some personal junk. Became convicted of the many ways I have failed to love my bride and have neglected and hurt her. I finally "got it". "Love Dare" was very effective but cause fear in my bride each time the excercises would touch her heart. She would respond and draw near to me, and then after a few days would turn on me with a vengence. I have patiently waited her out; no raised voice, angry responses, or joining in her argumentative reactions. I have just loved her. She's threatened by that. It's different. Unexpected. I'm a stranger to her. So she attacks my character, degrades, insults, mistreats and verbally abuses me. Fabricates nonsense about my motives. Lies to her attorney about me. She's scarred. Deep wounds that won't disappear soon. I believe that she really doesn't want to divorce me. But influences in her life such as friends, family, attorney and her own fears feed the frenzy to "end this thing". Right now she's all anger, bitterness, no trust. Not exactly operating rationally. How might I reach her. She refuses to talk to me and insists we will divorce. Yet after 8 months she still has not asked for a decree! Thank you for any responses. I'm worried, fearful and sad. Miss my family.
Jim

[Changes]

Fighting...sorry you are here but it is a great place to seek help. Are you still seeing your pastoral counselor? Was it joint sessions or just you? What are the living arrangments?

Sorry for all the questions but these will help everyone here u derstand better. I will check back later.

[Fightin4mywife]

Yes, I am seeing my counselor and doing sessions with DB as well. Wife refuses counseling (she doesn't need it right, cause I'm the bad guy who broke things!). Separated since March 18. She is constantly badgering me about $$, kids, school, family, work, etc. I can do no right. I am working very hard at changing me and giving to this relationship. She just doesn't trust me and refuses to cooperate. Thanks for responding.
jim

[Eskimo Nell]

Are you living with your W still, or has she gone? Makes it easier for us to help you ...

Try to relax a little or you will not be able to carry out what needs to be done now.

Firstly, have you read the DBusting or DRemedy books?? If not, start there and start now! Five Love Languages is also a good one that you should understand before moving any further.

Keep posting - people who have far more experience than I will come by and help you. You just have to know that this is a long row to hoe and you need to be kind to yourself in the meanwhile.

Look after yourself now, this is your time and, whatever the outcome, it will be a bonus to how you are feeling at this time. Lots of us are in the same boat ... I know that you feel that you are paddling your own canoe and to a point we all are.

However, there's lots of help and advice here and you are able to vent as much as you feel the need so go ahead .... let it all out in this safe environment.

[Fightin4mywife]

separated since March 18, 09; separated since March 18, 09; any question about that? She pressured me out with anger, meaness, accusations, abuse, raging etc., until I agreed to leave for a definitive trial separation. As I suspected that was only a ploy and I would not be welcomed back. She's very deceptive, bitter and calloused. Have read DBing and 5 Love Lang. Recently aquired DRemedy. Doing Love Dare again as much as able considering the separation.

[sandi2]

Jim, what caused your wife to have all these bad feelings toward you?

[Fightin4mywife]

Sandi,
My wife is a very dominating and controlling person. She doesn't know it. I didn't know it. I thought she was loving me. I know different now. However the problem came in how I handled the threat of her controlling manner. I rebelled. Crazy, childish acting out. Drinking, porn, and eventually even verbal and some physical abuse. A lot of quarreling in our household (20 plus yrs). But we've always both been extremely commited. The ultimate problem has been my repeated promises to change and "get spiritual", which never occured. The behaviors did change as far as porn, drinking and hitting, but I never did take seriously the need for healing and restorative work to rebuild security and trust. Thus she is still not secure after several years that I am not inclined to repeat certain behaviors. I did get help both pastorally and with addiction and anger management counseling. I understand the two fundamental beliefs she has: 1. she knows everything about me. 2. I am incapable of change. She's dead wrong. By the way I no longer have a spirit of anger towards her. Only a spirit of love and concern. I hurts to see her so hurt. I care deeply for my wife and wish to see our divorce BUSTED. thank you.
jim

[sandi2]

Not to knock the Love Dare book, but I've read it and see where it could conflict with DBing to some extent. Love Dare has some very pursuing ideas and that is one thing you do not need to do right now.

I think in your case, it is going to take a long time to prove to her that you not only "can" change, but that the changes will stick. She is set in her belief, so only time will make her see what she doesn't believe.

There is a friend of mine here on the board that I want to find and ask to come talk to you. I think he would be encouraging. In the meantime, you need to reach out to others on their threads so you can build up support.

[Fightin4mywife]

Agreed about Love Dare. Found great success with it initially but have had less desirable reactions presently and so will cease.

In your opin am I best to cease initiating contact at all.

Additionally, we recently had a hearing regarding temp support. I got nailed. Not possible to meet requirements w/out borrowing. Only way for relief is D to spare me the temp spousal support as no alimony in Tx. I don't want divorce but am feeling forced to over $$. I know I must decide but again I don't want it and am afraid the message I would be sending is I will over $$. Thoughts?

[antlers]

Hi Fightin4mywife.

For right now, you need to stay the same distance from her that she is to you (this keeps the pressure off). You need to 'lovingly detatch'. She tells you these mean things to hurt you and speed up the process of her emotional healing at your expense. It's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen. Patience is everything. Learn it, live it. It's gonna take a long, long time for her to heal. Don't be afraid...love is the antidote for fear, so start by loving yourself. I'd say in the face of her anger, treat her with unconditional love, dignity, and respect. Don't put any pressure on her, and don't have any expectations about the relationship. You need to continue to improve yourself, become a better man and a better father and a better partner. Regardless of anything else, you need to do these things. Develop compassion, a genuine sympathy for her hurts and the will to help remove the pain. BTW, you need to have the same strong compassion towards yourself. Remember, the Golden Rule is based on the premise that you 'love yourself'! Maybe you feel like a part of you has been removed, but that's only a feeling and it will pass if you'll let it. You're in a difficult situation...and this will be the defining episode of your lifetime. Take the long-term view instead of the short-term view. Develop a positive state of mind. You have to continually work on these things. Develop patience and tolerance. You need to buckle in for a long ride. She's at a really bad place in her life right now...and now is the time for you to show her what kind of man and father you really are. It's gonna take a really long time. You need to bounce back like a rubber ball. Don't crowd her, don't push her, and be patient. Demonstrate that you can change, for NO OTHER REASON than because this is something you needed to do...regardless of how things turn out. Be happy and pleasant. If she learns to trust you again, over a very long period of time, it will take consistency on your part. Remember that hurting people say hurtful things. She needs space, time, and forgiveness to develop her sense of self-worth and individualism...give her the space and time that she needs. You have NO CONTROL over her thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother. You do have complete control over your own thoughts, feelngs, and actions...so exercise the only control that you do have. You hold her in high regard, and she's gonna trample on your heart...because you've already trampled on her heart for her to get to this point. Understand that. Become a man that only a fool would leave, focus on yourself...it's not selfish either. It's survival and self-improvement. Show compassion, and make a firm committment to improve. Leave her alone, and take the pressure off. Become the best listener in the world. Remember that anger protects her from vulnerability...shed it like water off a ducks back.
I myself was insensitive to my wife's perspective and it created a marriage in which she had to walk on eggshells. I made her feel unseen, unheard, and unattractive...like she didn't exist! I made her feel disregarded, devalued, and rejected. I didn't realize that compassion was the lifeblood of families. I was full of resentment, anger, and abuse (verbal and emotional). It was a total failure of compassion on my part. I should have promoted compassion because it's the only reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse.
Treat her with value, respect, and compassion...it's in the best interests of your kids, your wife, and yourself.
Our wives have every right to be resentful and angry, and to express it and to stay with it for as long as they want...they walked on eggshells for so long! Don't give in to despair, and don't give up. Your wife doesn't believe that you can change and act differently...if you do, she won't believe that you'll keep it up. Action plus time equals her believing in your changes. Be consistent in words and actions, and keep yourself strong and healthy. Don't chase her.
One other piece of advice that I'll offer is this...read 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It's the single best thing that I've done. Good luck to you, Fightin4mywife. Read up on the Stockdale Principle also...it's short and to the point.


Sincerily,

antlers