Well, I am back here again. Husband and I separated last year, planned a reconciliation for this month and just a few weeks ago called it off. Feels like last year again.
I am disappointed and hurt. I am trying to deal with it. The hard part is that we work at the same place and see each other everyday. We seem to have strong feelings for one another but can't move forward from square one.
We were married three years ago. Spent the first two years arguing about my kids and his drinking. He has since stopped drinking and my kids are on their own. We enjoyed the summer,found we could talk things through without an argument, and began MC. MC is ok. But a few weeks ago we argued and he called off the move. After a week of being angry and not talking to me he recants. This time I admit that we are not ready and need more time. H decides to stay separated for another year and thinks that it is just not meant to be eventhough he would like to be with me.
I think he means what he says but has a lot of anger, resentments and doubts. He complains that it shouldn't be so hard. MC thinks we do a good job of pushing each other away and may just succeed in ending the M if we don't change our ways. Individually MC tells me that H is about as difficult as they come and it will take a lot of work for me to tolerate him. H will at times admit his problems are to blame for most of our M failure - but says that if I would learn to respond/react differently to his stuff that it would decrease significantly.
I don't know what to think at this point. We don't have much history, and if we didn't have a wonderful summer then I think we would be ending our M.
Reading what you said above I have to say something...without the infidelity that I have been through, I think that your H says alot of things that my exh has said. Now, I know they are like night and day different but I see some similarities.
Maybe its an A behavior, but the giving up...not meant to be, things shouldn't be this hard, excuse after excuse was the same I heard...I bet if you look its common on the A board too.
Hang in there and keep posting.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I totally agree that there are similarities - (and BTW I am grateful that I am not dealing with infid.) I also agree that it sounds fairly typical of A behavior.
I am hanging in there - not expecting one way or the other about the M. I am in there for myself- I am posting for myself and my need to get unstuck again. I am also back on the A boards for support.
Was quite sad today but ok now. Next week will be hard as I have it off and it was supposed to be the week H moved in and celebrate our anniversary. Look like there is no celebrating going on.
Or you look at the other side of the coin. If he can't move in, that says something. Which is better than moving in for the wrong reasons. Yikes and moving in with the fanfare of celebrating your anniversary.. too much for an ambivalent man.
On your week off, go away. Give yourself your own vacation. Let him catch up to you rather than waiting for him. Men love the pursuit and what they feel they can't have.
This is not being coy.. it's seeing what your options are, what you feel. Sometimes when keeping your nose to the grindstone of 'making the marriage work' you forget about life, living and growth.
Give yourself a break and find the sunshine and smile within.
I'm sorry things are in the fix they're in...but I do agree with Gypsy, that at least he didn't move back in and keep the cycle going. If he's going to keep up the pity and the blame then at least he's not in the house doing it.
I will catch up with you more later, I'm kind of loaded down atm. Thinking of you though!!
He called this a.m. and we played phone tag until this eve. I thought he was calling to confirm tommorrow's MC appt. Instead he tells me he cancelled it yesterday-without- calling me b/c HE thinks I am not motivated b/c I didn't call him to say whether or not I wanted to go earlier in the week. I reminded him that I didn't call b/c HE told me that he couldn't talk to me and argue all the time - he asked me NOT to call him all week and save it for the MC. HE does NOT remember it that way - and then hung up. He can't let us win....
He did make a point to say that he didn't cancel therapy just this session several times in the convo for the short time it lasted. I just don't get it - he keeps leaving me and cancelling things and I am the one accused of being unmotivated!?
Update today - H called a truce - he has decided that holding onto resentments and resolving impossible issues is not getting us any closer to where either of us wants to be. Is asking for another try and in particular a date. He also suggested that we take things slowly for a change and take it one day at a time. Sound familiar? Well, he sounded better than he has been in weeks, guess I will be hanging in there at least for tommorrow.
Hmmmm.....not sure what to say. I am in a negative way again today so I may not have alot of positive coming out.
Do you think it will just be more of the same Kass? One more try? A few more days/months and then he finds a frustration and runs with it and you are back to square one yet again?
Why don't you tell him what you need, give HIM a date, you hold the cards. Its been all about him for so long....make it about you.
He is difficult...but aren't all A's? LOL
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well... you are right... guess we can be consoling of one another today. Got a message from H this a.m. cancelling our date today. Reason - just can't get past the past - is hurting over the fact that yesterday was the scheduled day for move - that HE cancelled and somehow he is blaming me. But he did it without verbalizing any anger - sounded honest for a change -wants to still work on the M but not today - maybe tommorrow - knows he is the one who asked that we put the past behind us... and we had a nice convo yesterday... but just isn't up to it today - said he might feel better after church and will call.
My reaction showed me where I am at this point... I wanted to call and tell him how hurt I am and argue him into it... or the other scenario was to call and tell him I am done with the M. Didn't like seeing that my only two responses to him are to argue or cut it off. So, I will not respond today. I have been journalling and listening to spiritual videostreaming episodes from my favorite intuitive healer.
Will keep checking in SO2 if you want to chat today.
Yep...without the infidelity our H's are alot alike. What is it about the alcohol that puts the blame everyone else in their heads? LOL
I will be in and out today as well. Lets both try and have a great day we can be proud of! Love ya.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
