I am glad that you come to vent your feelings here and choose not to show them to your WAH. I refer to him as the walk away husband b/c he has actually left you in his heart. You do realize that, don't you? As if that was not enough, he went further to show you how much he placed the OW above his own W by moving out of the bedroom to sleep in another room (and I can imagine what goes on over the phone between two of them while he's in there!). He has spoken very disrespectful to you by constantly reminding you how he doesn't care if you like what he's doing and for you not to count on him being around. You have been so eager for whatwhatever crumbs he threw your way, that you think b/c he took time to sit at the breakfast table with your daughter and he bought you some drink that he is all "sweet"? You are really messed up, but I suppose you have the mindset a lot of LBS get in the beginning of their stitch......which isn't the right kind of mindset.
So, what do you have planned to do this weekend? Have you pre-decided how to handle any attempts that he "may" try at contacting you or the kids while he is scr@wing OW in CA? I know, that sounds crude of me to talk like that, but I did it on purpose b/c he is NOT sweet and you seem to need reminding what he is doing. Why.....why on earth do you want to throw yourself on him and slobber all over him telling him how much you love him? That makes no sense to me. I can tell you that it is the very last thing that a WAS wants!
Quote:
I feel week. The pain is back in my chest and I just want to hug my H and tell him I love him. I am sure this is because the weekend is getting closer and he is going to CA to "work" and I know see the OW. It is killing me. I just want my marriage back. This is where I get totally stuck with grief and pain and don't know how to get out of this
Okay, let's talk about this. It is no sin to confess that you realize you are weak......but make sure your actions are not weak. I can understand the pain in your chest b/c you are under terrible stress, but hugging your H and telling him you love him will NOT MAKE IT BETTER! It will make things worse. Now, here is a 2X4. I try to be understanding and be patient at first, but then I am thinking it is time to get some spunk in your backbone and be a woman with some self-respect! You can cry about how you wish this would all just go away and you had your M back again.....or you can choose to take control of your life. Which one will you do? You see, this is a very important decision b/c you are going to have some very hard days to face and you need to get "real" instead of this wishing it was back like it use to be. Ain't gonna happen that way! Just between us girls......aren't you pretty sharp? I mean, really, aren't you a smart female? I bet you are, but you aren't using the smarts God gave you. Time to get cracking.
Plan ahead. Have you thought about how you will act when your H returns from his big weekend? He may not return....have you considered that? The way he was talking to the kids and the way he was spending those few minutes with D6 (trying to get some brownie points) that made me think that he was waiting on OW to give him the green light this weekend as to whether or not he would come back home anytime soon. Perhaps I should have kept those thoughts to myself, but on the other hand.....you need to face reality. If OW is M, your H may be waiting to see if OW leaves her H and family to be with him. Then your H will know what steps to take based on what OW does. So, be prepared in case he calls out of the blue to tell you he and OW are living together and he's not coming home. I'm not trying to cause you to have a heart attack, but I am trying to get you to see this for what it is. He was sending you some sort of message the last few days, but you may not know exactly what it is untill he meets up with hiw OW.
Always plan ahead with what you may say or things you can do. Always have activities you can fall back on when needed. Have somewhere you can go on the spare of the moment. Don't let your guard down. Do you know what I'm talking about here?
Have you finished reading DR? You may need to go back over parts of it to study. But don't leave DR or any other marrige material laying around hoping your H will look at it....b/c he won't. Don't try to get him interested in anything about M improvement.
Another thing that LBS sound never do is to pull out the old wedding pictures or the baby pictures of all the kids and proceed to use this as a gimmick to tell your H how wonderful M life is. Reframe from reminding him or pointing out to him all the great things about being M. All of those techniques will backfire on you.
Don't try to encourage him to talk about the future. That is the same as "picking" him for information. No R talk, remember.
I know you feel very weak right now, but never ask him for reassurance. Don't ask him if he still loves you. Don't ask for a kiss or hug.....(Oh, that is a big no-no!).....and don't initiate affection. Just in case he should decide to start to give you a hug/kiss......be thinking of how you want to handle that. I don't think he will, but you never know. It would be your decision if you wanted to respond to his affection. Just don't act greedy or desparate.
If you have always made your H the center of attention when he was home, then I think it's time to stop that and as I said before.....treat him as if he was just a person who was boarding at your home......a neighbor.....a co-worker....a not-so-close relative......almost anyone but a husband. Don't be asking him how he "feels" regarding....anything. That is a turn-off. Some W's are always asking their H is he is OK......(never knew what that was suppose to be, but it wears thin with a lot of men) so don't do that. The point is to be not be focused on him...okay? Even if your mind wants to stray there....you don't have to let him realize that.
So...what are you going to do to improve your personality? Have you thought about any changes to make toward your physical appearance? If so, share those with us.
BTW, have you heard anything about your job interview?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
K~ so sorry you are having to deal with this. All of us here have different stories, but read the posts. I am new but I have found hope in some threads, peace in others. Just do your very best to be strong. Listen to what Sandi said above. I have read a lot of her posts and she is blatantly honest in an attempt to wake you up to what you are doing, what is really going on.
I wish for you peace this weekend while your H is with OW. Take care!
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
Sandi Thanks for responding. I do get what you are saying. Actually I have not let him know what I am feeling or that any of this is bothering me. I have not asked for a hug or kiss or anything. I have been very cool and only communicated with him about the kids. He has been calling me through the day to see how our son is who has been home with the flu and then he will ask how my day is and tell me something about his day. I am always very upbeat and usually have something funny to say but I never volunteer conversation. I let him lead it.
Interesting things have transpired the past 20 hours. He is in charge of a large fund raising dinner tonight and last night he asked me if I wanted to go. It is a really nice event. I love these dinners so I was pretty cool in saying I would go because I like the auctions and the people who go. He told me all the plans, and since he is in charge of a lot of the set up, he asked that our son bring me so I don't have to park and we can then drive home in one car. I have not mentioned it since. He brought it up to me again this morning, saying he will call later with any more details if I still wanted to go. I said I do want to go, it's a fun event.
also last night, he said, you do realize I am going out of town this weekend? I said, "yep" and he said, I will provide you with my itinerary and with the guys number he is working with and that he is staying with this guy who is his friend. I just said, "ok" and I walked away. What do you make of that? I think it could be any number of things, but the first is that he is establishing an aliby. However, he has never done that before. he just does what he wants with no regard. I have also thought maybe he is being honest--although I am being very careful with that right now because he has lied so much. Anyways I think it is very interesting.
If something is turning around with him, I want to keep it going in that direction while I myself continue to heal. I guess I am doing this more for myself. For this weekend my kids and I are going to an RV show. Now next weekend he is going back to CA for a family wedding, which a while ago we decided he would be the only one to go for financial reasons. 3 weeks ago however I said I wanted to go to see some of his family I have not seen in a while, well last week he said plane tickets were too much, so I planned a weekend to the beach with the kids. He is now making so much noise about not wanting to go to this wedding. I am standing firm on my plans to go to the beach, which is costing more than a plane ticket, but I don't care. I need to do this for my kids and me. they need some fresh scenery too. It has been pretty tense. So I am doing things for myself and my kids. I also bought tickets with 4 of my friends to go see Journey in concert next Tuesday. I have not told my H that yet.
I have not heard anything about the job. I am going to call them today.
As for changing my appearance, I might get my hair highlighted. I have been dressing really cute and looking good. Let me know what you all think about all of these new turn of events. Again, thank you for all your support and really pointing me in the right direction.
K, you sound so much better in this last post! You are right...you must do things for "you" and your children. He makes his own choices and he must be an adult and live with the consequences....good or bad. It is fine to go to an event with him if you enjoy it. That gives you an opportunity to show off your good looks, charm, & great personality. The more "interesting" a woman you become.....the more he will notice you and become attracted. I think you handled everything well. The only thing I would caution you about is his BS he's giving you about the guy he'll be staying with in CA. Not sure why he is even bothering after he made it plain about OW--other than he doesn't want to be distrubed with any interuptions. He will use this other guy for a contact...in case of an emergency. He is establishing an alibi. Your heart wants to believe that he's being honest, but don't set yourself up for more hurt & disappointment. See the truth for what it is and deal with it. Your response to his "reminding" you of his weekend in CA was perfect. You did not fall into any R talk nor did you act needy & desparate. Good job.
Speaking of jobs, do you have any special skills/training or are you looking for specific areas? You may feel a little rusty at first, but you'll fall into the swing of things quickly. Remember to have confidence and if you don't get this job....go after another one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, he left this morning for CA and he did not ask me to take him to the airport, he asked our son to take him. I am really thinking of going ahead and getting a lawyer on Monday to see what my options are.
Should I ask him if he is seeing the OW or should I just blow it off. We went to the fund raising dinner last night and he introduced me to everyone as his wife, we did a photo op for the local paper on the dinner, and really the evening was pretty pleasant. I had a good time just talking with people we know. They continue to compliment us on what a great couple we are and I am thinking in my head "oh, if you only knew". When he left this morning he was very cold. almost left without saying goodbye. He sent me a text saying he arrived and that he sent me his itinerary and sent me the guys phone number he is working with and told me again he is staying with him tonight. I know Puppy thinks he is establishing an aliby, it is just weird because he has never given me this much info before. I want to be so hopeful, but feel I may be being stupid, so do you think I should ask him if he is seeing her? Although not sure what that would do, because he can always lie? I just wonder if maybe he is coming around a little. What do you think? Please reply
Should I ask him if he is seeing the OW or should I just blow it off.
Why would you want to do that when he has made his feelings for OW (and you, for that matter) known? Remember, keep your dignity. That would lower you to being a "needy, clingy" wife.
Just b/c he was civil to you at the dinner last night, it has you all goo-goo ga-ga. You said he introduced you as "his wife". You ARE his wife. How did you think he was going to introduce you? Stay focued, K.
Quote:
I know Puppy thinks he is establishing an aliby, it is just weird because he has never given me this much info before.
If you will recall, I told you the same thing...so that makes two people who read that post that sees the same lie! He is covering his a$$ and that is why he's giving this much information! He's not done it before for a reason....think about it. He was cold when he left you this morning for a reason......think about it.
Quote:
just wonder if maybe he is coming around a little
You are talking like a woman who is lying to herself. Find that woman who sent that last post before the dinner.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So do I totally let it go now? Are you saying he will never come around? I thought my DB coach told me to look for the small signs to focus on that are good. Isn't my end goal to get my marriage back? I am a bit confused because if I can't look for the good in small signs then how will I ever get my marriage back?
My H asked my son to pick him up from the airport and asked him to ask me if I wanted to come with him and we all go to dinner as a family. I know what you all are thinking and actually I am thinking the same thing--don't do it. I am just curious on what he has to say coming back from CA and wanting a family dinner. Any thoughts on this???
