So, after reading this, I thought about it and was going to respond that the "harder reality" is not something that will ever hit H but will hit me based on his exhibited priorities and because the losses are of things I value and he doesn't; that basing my decisions on making sure that he feels the loss is a waste of time and that I may as well be amicable, easy and do what works for me.

Then, it hit me how in the process of detaching, I have become very jaded. That to protect myself, I have really erased so much evidence that H cares deeply about his kids, our marriage and our family. There were so many exhibitions of his devotion over the years but over time his sense of hope eroded and he decided he couldn't afford to care anymore. That he had to choose and our crappy marriage wasn't worth more than a potential shot at the big time. Now, this is a real tricky place for me to go mentally and doesn't change much because where we are now matters and I have no evidence whatsoever that H could build a new M with me and that we could recover from all that we have been through. But, I think I have been way off in assuming that he doesn't feel the loss or that he wont.

Today when I dropped off the kids it was really odd that he buzzed us up and then as we approached his apartment, a song about not being able to stay apart (one that he had sent me a video of, work related a few weeks ago), was conspicuously blasting with his door open. Then once we were in, he turned it down. It was so blatant but I had to write it off as nothing cuz it is just too elusive to read into. Then, he gave me a hello hug (tight squeeze) and then some chocolate he brought back for me. He gave the kids some gifts. He invited me to lunch and I told him I couldn't go. He looked surprised and I said that I have very little time and I'm going out tonight so I've got to get some things done. He asked if I was sure. And, I reiterated that I've had the kids non-stop and I need this time. Plus, we are going to be together all day tomorrow for S's bday. Then we agreed to go to an ATM to get me some money to put in my account. It was taking a long time to get out of his place and I realized that he can just put the money in my account without me. When I proposed this, he looked disappointed but couldn't say much.

It was so pleasant and manageable for me but I could tell he was wanting me with them.

I left and then texted regarding the kids because he had mentioned that he was taking them out tonight. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't send them with any clothes for tonight because I thought he would just be hanging with them. He said he was supposed to take them to a dressy dinner.

I offered to try to meet him with some clothes (he's asked me in the past to pack things just in case and I didn't so I figured I would try to be helpful).

He then texted me that he decided to just be with the kids and spend time with them hanging in.

I said, "that's awesome! :)"

So, now, I have to know that he does care and still do my thing anyway.

I have gotten to the point where I just want to live my life, be amicable, set my boundaries but stop completely at trying to woo him back. Ironically though, that could actually be the thing that seals the deal for us, that I am not even invested enough to try to withhold more so that he can feel the loss more.

I think that I will stay on this track and do what feels right. If he doesn't see what he is losing, I just think he is not ever going to see it. I don't know if I'm making sense at all here. I could be punitive. I could consistently ignore, go completely dark, not give him the time of day. But, I am about 95% convinced that he and I are over and I would rather have an amicable divorce than a bitter one so I want to be cool. I am definitely never extending myself beyond what is comfortable and I am living my own life. But I see how this sort of pleasantry could sort of assuage his doubts if he has them. Then again, maybe this is more uncomfortable for him than I know and maybe it is "working"...

I just can't bring myself to strategize in an effort to get him back anymore. Strange.