Don't bail her out CIPA. If it's for the kids, then you buy it directly for them.
If it's for her, she needs to think about it and cut some corners. But keep in mind, do not let her off the hook for kid stuff, she has to be responsible also. She has to cut the corners off her shopping or socializing.
This was her choice. She has to live with it.
What Coach said is pretty good. And really, the only thing that's not going to annoy her or piss her off is "Ok, here's the money" and then you're just a chump.
You two do have a financial agreement in place from the lawyers?
No we don't. We had worked one out before she moved out but then she wouldn't sign it. Then we were working something out but then I lost my job so we waited. Shortly after I started working again, I found out what she had really been doing so we hadn't talked - last Friday was the first time
So in short no and my lawyer is pissed at me about that.
We do have a verbal one - doesn't do me much good I know
I've been mulling it over, and after getting with Stronger, I'm going to go with:
"If I had cheated on you and then filed divorce and left, how would you feel about lending me money?"
And go from there.
If it get's heated/emotional, I do like what you wrote - considering the situation, I have decided to keep finances seperate. Or I would just hang up.
Part of me had thought that not doing it would piss her off and we're back to where we were but then I realized that that was dumb. If I have to be worried about walking on eggshells when I'm standing up for one of my N.U.T.s then I don't want to be in a relationship with that person.
So if this drives her away from any more remorse or what not, so be it. While renewing the marriage relationship is something that I really want, I just don't see anyway where I will be happy with it. The reality is that it would not make me feel right to lend her the money, so why should I do something that I do not feel right about....
Perhap's that's what I should say to her.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
"If I had cheated on you and then filed divorce and left, how would you feel about lending me money?"
Doesn't matter how she feels about lending you money?
What does CIPA think about lending her money? Then communicate it very clear, confident and under control. Decide then act.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"If I had cheated on you and then filed divorce and left, how would you feel about lending me money?"
Doesn't matter how she feels about lending you money?
What does CIPA think about lending her money? Then communicate it very clear, confident and under control. Decide then act.
I was going to use that to say that it doesn't feel right to me to do something like that considering where we are at. I thought I would use that to make sure she sees my side and understands my feelings
Wait a minutes - am I nuts? Asking a WAW to consider what her LBS is thinking and feeling
Boy do I need a pile of 2x4''s for that one
DOH!
I'm just trying to put it in a manner where it's not going re-escalate back to WWIII levels.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Don't bail her out CIPA. If it's for the kids, then you buy it directly for them.
If it's for her, she needs to think about it and cut some corners. But keep in mind, do not let her off the hook for kid stuff, she has to be responsible also. She has to cut the corners off her shopping or socializing.
This was her choice. She has to live with it.
What Coach said is pretty good. And really, the only thing that's not going to annoy her or piss her off is "Ok, here's the money" and then you're just a chump.
It's a bill for the summer camp our 7 year old went to. We had originally agreed that we would split the bills based where I would pay for my 3 year old's tuition and she would pay for our 7 year old's tuition (the 3 year old's is almost 4x the tuition cost). Problem was during the summer, the 7 year old's tripled due to camp and it's activities. I paid the deposit for the camp and we agreed we would split the difference between what was the normal tuition and the summer tuition.
What annoyed me first is she "forgot" I paid the deposit so she said I owed all of it. When I reminded her, she got "flustered" and started dancing around. I just told her that she can figure it out and let me know or just give me the bill to figure out. She called back later and "admitted" she made a mistake and it turned out I over paid and she owes all of it, plus what I overpaid. That's when she asked to borrow money.
I just told her to put the bill in the laptop and I'll look it over.
Part of me feels I should have just said no, but she caught me by surprise, especially since I was in such a good mood knowing I was going to see the boys tomorrow. I didn't expect her to ask to borrow money again, considering the blow up we had the week before I found out the truth.
She had asked on a Thurs to borrow money to pay off her furniture 0% interest loan that was coming due. That's when I told her that I was feeling used and played. She of course blew up at me saying I haven't changed and blah blah blah. I got mad back then, but on Sat, we talked and I bought her story of how she was still trying to figure things out and blah blah blah. Fortunately I found out the truth that Sunday before I would have given her the check.
This time, I'm not buying it.
You are right - she caused all this. She will have to deal with it.
I just need to get there without it going back to WWIII.
I have a feeling I need to get my nukes ready again.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
You need to be documenting all of this. When it goes in front of a judge you will need to show all the paid receipts.
Get a custody (if you havent already) and financial agreement in place. Decide whose paying what now. If you dont you will be sorry. Divide up all the bills now. Dont just pay everything. Get everything in writing. She will take you to the cleaners if you ENABLE it.
She is not stable right now. Protect yourself.
You will need a strong foundation for you and the boys in the future.
You need to be documenting all of this. When it goes in front of a judge you will need to show all the paid receipts.
Get a custody (if you havent already) and financial agreement in place. Decide whose paying what now. If you dont you will be sorry. Divide up all the bills now. Dont just pay everything. Get everything in writing. She will take you to the cleaners if you ENABLE it.
She is not stable right now. Protect yourself.
You will need a strong foundation for you and the boys in the future.
PMA
PMA_Baby,
What's "interesting" about PA, from what my lawyer told me, is that financial support agreements are formula based. Of course the formula is biased towards the wife, but it is formula based.
Right now our verbal agreement is less than what the formula would allow. I had tried to get her to sign the agreement, but each time, she said she wanted to see what the formula came up with.
So she can agree with a number that's lower, but she can not ask for more unless I agree. A little weird, but very clear.
We don't have a formal custody agreement either, but we have a hearing setup in Dec. My lawyer told me that if we can't come to agreement during that point, the court would just review what we had been doing and then make that the agreement to maintain "consisency" for the boys. Which is another reason why I haven't been willing to give up any of my days.
So I have my ducks lined up for what I need.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
My lawyer told me that if we can't come to agreement during that point, the court would just review what we had been doing and then make that the agreement to maintain "consisency" for the boys. Which is another reason why I haven't been willing to give up any of my days.
So I have my ducks lined up for what I need.
Damn right!!! Do not give up anymore time. The judge will go with whatever schedule is currently in place. If you can't decide ALWAYS request the judge to go to mediation to resolve your disagreements. Dont let the courts decide. Mediation is your friend. Only if you can't get your WAS to work with you at all. They for some reason feel ENTITLED to ANYTHING THEY WANT.
I like the briefer, detached statement that Coach suggested. It is more cut and dry and less likely to escalate things, especially if you stay calm if she reacts. You do not need to rescue her. Nor do you need to take abusive treatment.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Really CIPA, based on history, I'm not sure there's much you can do to keep this from escalating. So what you need to do is make this an opportunity for you.
When she blows up....and she very will might, listen calmly and let her go off. You don't have to answer any questions. And tell her that should she ask them. Here's what I see might be said/asked.
"How can you say no? This is for your child." CIPA "I always have my sons covered. What you are asking for is the part YOU were supposed to pay for. So really, let me ask you, how can you not have the money for this? This is for your son?"
"I can't believe you're being so stingy, so mean." CIPA You say nothing. As a matter of fact you say nothing to any statement she says. This is something I learned as a reporter. During interviews people would make statements and expect a response from me. I would say nothing. Rattled them. It was even worse when they would ask me a question. Let her say/ask whatever she wants but you don't owe her anything.
