Something remarkable happened. When transitioning the kids today, my W and I were working out some of the minor expenses the kids are incurring due to school and sports. We did fine with all that, and after we were done she said "H, I want to tell you that I wasn't a equal partner in our finances before. I see that now, and I want to tell you I'm sorry." She was very contrite. Again, I was blown away. Money was a HUGE issue in our M. I tried and tried to get my W to control her spending, but no matter what I did, she couldn't stop. She always portrayed me as just being unreasonably tight with money. I eventually got extremely resentful and passive agressive about it. For her to admit it was her fault, and apologize is enormous movement.

I was so affected by it that I asked her to go with me into the other room, away from the kids. I told her that it meant very much to me for her to say that. We hugged long and hard. She then said "Now that I have to run my own household, I understand what it must have been like for you to have someone always bleeding you dry. I would have been angry too." I said "But I didn't handle it like I should have. I should have had more compassion instead of anger." She disagreed and defended me. There we were, each defending the other. Wow. We hugged again long and hard. Of course she had to throw in "But it doesn't change the other things." I just ignored that.

I felt a great weight off my shoulders after that. My mood was previously fine, but now it was great. I had lived for so many years feeling so taken for granted financially. We went to say goodbye, and I felt more affection for her than in many years. In fact, it had been so long, I had forgotten how great it could feel. I looked at her and with 100% sincerity said "You have an awesome day!" We hugged again long and hard. She looked happy and said "You too."

Then I had the strangest realization. I realized how far apart we had gotten. The genuine affection I felt for her was so unfamiliar, it changed my view of where we need to get. Now I know why we are apart. That's how we should feel all the time, or nearly so. All this time I've thought we were good together. Now I know we still really aren't. We still have so much healing to do before we're ready to reconcile.