I think my big problem is excepting reality. I think the reason I have been so all over the place is that when I get away and try to detached.... in my mind I start fantasizing about the future.. I start feeling good and then when I get home I am slammed back to 'The way it is' Well today I am going to go explore the port of Tacoma.
Talk to ya later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Well did the tourist thing today. Just drove around looking at the sights. Decided to hang out in my room tonight (last night in the hotel). It started raining but that's ok. I am sitting here having JD over the rocks watching "The Simpson’s" movie.
I did send wife an e-mail just saying it was starting to rain. She replied that she trimmed the roses and cleaned out the bar and some other stuff around the house. I wrote back that it sounded great but..... I also added that I have met allot of people up here and have been offered places to stay and jobs and how I was so tempted.... I guess I was kind of playing “the game” but it is all true... I have been offered places to stay and if it were not for my son, Mom and MIL I really do think I would stay….
Well the next three days I will be crashing at my buddy’s house and then it’s time for the two day trip back to reality...
Later Dr LOve
P.S... I feel so much like a traitor… I have been wearing my 49er hat and today bought a sea hawk’s hat… I wanted to fit in…..LOL
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Well friends, Today I start the final faze of my "vacation" I give up my hotel room for the next three days and will be staying at my buddies house. I slept great last night. I found out that Miley Sirus (sp?)was playing at the Tacoma dome right down the street from here. My buddy had some problems with his sons (18&21) (drugs) and he threw them out of his house where they have been staying. I stopped by there yesterday and noticed they were back. I HOPE I don't get tangled up in any family problems these next few days. When my buddy starts drinking sometimes he does not know when to stop..... Well it rained last night so I need to go find some mud to go play in with the jeep Talk to ya soon Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Well sitting here on the deck thinking about ya all..
Boy everyone. Things have changed. On my trip to Vegas last year I mostly just moped around and felt sorry for myself. I exiled myself on my birthday. Somehow this time I feel empowered. I feel ME again. Before I left I told wife that when I get back we will discuss where we will go from here relationship wise. Now I feel like it will be more like Where She wants to go from here. I know where I am going. I tell ya if it were not for the people depending on me back home I would stay here in an instant. Not sure what wife is going to think about the new independent Doc when I get back. Maybe I finely became the “Man” OT has been trying to get me to be. Or maybe I just found the man I used to be. Not sure but one thing I do know... I am NOT going back to the man I had become...
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I don't have time tonight to tell ya but some very uncomfortable things are happening around here. I am hoping things stay togeather until I leave on sunday. On the bright side... I went Salmon fishing today (first time this kind of fishing) AND I cought a 25 inch pink salmon.. I called my son from the river I was fishing in and he is allll excited and can't wait to see it. MIL called me agian, that makes three times this vacation and still no calls from wife. well I will post more in the morning Bye Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Ok so today is my last day here. Not sure what direction I am going to take when I get home. Unfortunately my buddy is having family problems. I guess two of his son’s (18 & 21) have drug problems. They are taking something called Moxy (sp) both are not working and both are sleeping on his couch. They had a big fight when I was staying at the hotel and he threw them out that night but they are back now. Since I have been at his house I have seen him give them money whenever they have asked for it. They say it’s for gas or cigarettes but they have been going though allot of money at least 20 a day. The other problem is my buddy also has a drinking problem. Whenever he has had a little too much to drink he says what is on his mind. AND just like when we were in high school he has a short fuse. I can’t tell you how many fights he got us into when we were in high school. Kind of weird thing is we used to always get into fights with the coast guard boys that came into town. THE OM was stationed at the Local CG station at that time and who knows I may have already kicked his azz awhile back….. So I am hoping that he can keep it together until after I leave. They are planning a Family intervention on Sunday after I leave. It has been hard on me because I want to help him and give him someone to vent to but when he starts drinking he stops making sense and there is really no use taking to him because he forgets what we are taking about and starts repeating things again. As for me I am ready to go home. I miss my son. I am not sure what road I am going to take with wife when I get back. One scenario I have going is to give her a big hug and a real kiss. None of this pecking stuff and tell her I missed her but I do not what to go back to the way we were. Tell her right off that I am still willing to try if she gives it her all. No half hearted stuff. The other scenario is to just say Hey I am tired of living like this and am ready to call it quits. I have run out of ideas to try to save our marriage. Unless YOU have some ideas lets start planning out separation. THIS is where I am today. I am praying I do not go back to settling for what I have. I may call wife tomorrow when I stay over in Oregon. Not sure if I want to say anything at that time or just somehow give her a heads up that I have found the direction I want to go and I hope she has done some soul searching while I was gone. That would be it about relationship wise I would say. I figure that if she has not thought about us while I was gone. Or maybe thinking that the doc went on vacation and things will be the same when he gets back. If that is what she was thinking at least Sunday night before I get back she will be thinking about our situation. One thing I know and still do not heed. WE chose to live the way we are. WE chose how we want to be treated. The one thing I did notice is that I did miss the closeness all of the married couples I have come into contact with up here have. I came up her with getting even and maybe finding some closeness from someone and am leaving a married man. My buddy and his friends have a big BBQ party for me last night. It was funny how the 23 inch fish I caught somehow grew to almost 5 feet before the night was over… later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Wife just called me…Wanted to know how I was doing. Asked about how much chlorine to put in the pool, Told me some things that happened around the house and I told her about my fishing and some stuff... It was a nice conversation…..its a little overcast here right now so I am ready to go home. W said it’s going to be in the 100s when I get home…Like I said before I don’t know what it is going to be like when I get home but I am sooo glad I did not do anything while I was up here that I could not take back. I am sure W at least thought about me contacting the OM…but I am glad I did not. The conversation felt promising... ok for what it is worth here is my HS for today…
Although relationships continue to be the primary area of focus in your life, you aren't satisfied with simply meeting your commitments. You want more depth and intensity and, one way or another; you're going to find it. Fortunately, the Moon's visit to your 8th House of Deep Sharing can create the positive environment necessary for the emotional transformation you are seeking
Later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sorry about your friend's sitch with his kids. That has to be rough, and it sounds like he needs to get his own self in order too. (BTW, I lived in WA state for over three years, know the SeaTac area well.)
On your own sitch and the directions of your thoughts, I think you need to ease off of telling your W what your plans are -- and just do them. Actions speak louder than words for many folks. And I don't think another statement from you about what you plan to do is going to have the desired effect you're seeking, not from your W.
Im glad to hear it Doc.