Perhaps some of you saw the segment i was on for 20/20. It was about low sexual desire in men and the impact it has on marriage. I worked with two couples and helped them turn things around in their marriage. There were many, many questions from viewers after the show and I answered a number of them. You can read them at ABC's website. I found the questions interesting and I hope you do too!
Michele
I saw the show Michele and was very moved by it. One of the wives ask the question that I have always wanted an answer to....if you know how badly it hurts and yet you say you love me how can you continue to let me suffer? Not those exact words but the same meaning.
I had the first panic attack I have had in nearly 4 and 1/2 years while watching that show. I had forgotten how painful it is to be rejected and how deeply the feeling of rejection can affect someone. These couples loved each other and that was evident. Barbara Walters ask after the interviews how anyone could go on national TV and discuss such intimate details of their lives. I think it showed great courage and just how much those men did love their wives for them to be willing to do that. It sends a message of hope that so many people need to hear. I admire their courage and your ability to help others see and find solutions. It was a splendid show. Cathy
I have to say that show was an eye opener. It opened my eyes to the hurt I was causing my wife. After a year or so of this plus other things, she wants a D. Because of our lack of intimacy, she had built walls to protect herself. She has closed off her heart. She feels she's not worthy of a husband because she can't satisfy me. That's @#$@#. I know this.
She even feels I'm cheating on her This of course is with the help of her friends who say a guy can't be faithful and not be intimate for over a year. I meant what I said when I put that ring on her finger.
I think she doesn't understand my side of it and that I do love her. My heart goes out to you. But know, your husband most likely does love you. When we get an attitude with you guys, we pull back and this pushes you back.
Do you have any advice for a guy trying to break through the shields my W has put up. I'm doing my 180 and I think she has noticed. But she's still on guard. Any help from a females point of view would be great.
I would step in front of a gun for my wife but she is so closed off because of my rejection, I can't get through.
blackrook - your sit sounds like mine Divorce Pending I feel that it has taken a long time for her to put up the wall and it will take a long time to break it down - I have had some positive steps from just plain flirting. Even though she may not believe it I think she does like to hear it. Just keep on loving and DBing with all your hart.
Blackrock or Odga, can I ask you a question? I just got rejected by my husband tonight and I got upset. Actually he made a date with me for sex tonight and then forgot and made other plans. However, instead of coming to me and saying that he is sorry for hurting me, he is now acting as if he could care less. I know my husband and I know that this is far from the truth. He will fret about this the rest of the night and things will not be right between us until we make love again. I can't help but be hurt and angry at his actions, though. Can you help me understand why he'd act like it doesn't matter to him (the forgotten sex date, that is)?
Did this situation, or anything like it, ever happen to either of you and can you give me any insight as to what is going on in his brain right now?
Quote: I just got rejected by my husband tonight and I got upset. Actually he made a date with me for sex tonight and then forgot and made other plans. However, instead of coming to me and saying that he is sorry for hurting me, he is now acting as if he could care less.
Oh Honey . . . obviously I'm not blackrock or Odga, but I sure do feel your pain. Something similiar happened to me last week. In our session with C, my H was asked why he didn't let me know ahead of time and H said he just forgot. I think that because H had to admit this in front of the C and was made aware of how it affected me helped. H was told it's OK to say No, but must then give a reason for the No.
Would it help to simply state to your H "When you do XXX, I feel XXX." ??
Quote: Can you help me understand why he'd act like it doesn't matter to him (the forgotten sex date, that is)?
It might be that he's embarrassed and upset with himself--he doesn't know how to admit to you that he's sorry he screwed up.
Why not just let this one pass ("Hey, sweetie, these things happen. Let's make a rain check.") and offer the opportunity for another date? See what he says and let us know.
IMHO, it’s a guy thing to act like things that matter a lot to us don’t matter but we/I have a macho image to maintain. We count on you knowing what going on with us. “Why should I have to tell you I love you/I’m sorry when you should already know.” Looking back, this attitude only worked so long. Things just go on in our minds and we forget stuff. Even important stuff.
I never had a situation like this happen where I broke a sex date. In fact, I’ve never had a sex date with my wife. It just happened and then it stopped because of my anger towards her. I would give my left arm for a sex date with her now. I would give the same are for a hug. But alas, it will take time to pull down the walls I caused her to put up because of my lack of intimacy for a year.
As stated before, let this one slide and let him know you let it slide.
I saw the 20/20 episode and got really mad seeing a guy with a beautiful stripper wife that he could not have sex with. I'm sitting there thinking, why did I not get such a wife? I am with a LD W that is "Willing" to have sex with me once a month. Then I see both couples "Fixing" there problem in very simple ways. The fix for these low desire men seems so simple. No for me, with a LD wife, it is proably not the sex that needs fixing , it is EVERY FREAKIN' thing outside the bedroom that must be fixed, and only God knows which of those infinie things that really needs to be fixed. It just seems to me that curing the LD man is about 1000 times easier then fixing the LD wife, mainly cause the LD man probably still has testosterone flowing in his body that still gives him an edge.
Quote: I saw the 20/20 episode and got really mad seeing a guy with a beautiful stripper wife that he could not have sex with. I'm sitting there thinking, why did I not get such a wife?
Hmmmm, I was wondering "what the heck is wrong with this guy"? What a fool!!!! Then I started to think about it, most men are hunters, some of us are meat hunters that just trying to get some game to take care of the needs they have. Some of us are trophy hunters, we want what is harder to get. That could be the tough to get high paid high pressure job, it could be that 7 point Bull Elk that makes the record books, it could be the woman that is desired by many and had by only one. Could it be this guy who bagged the trophy wife has now lost interest because the trophy is in his house and he is off to the next challenge? Just a thought from a simply fool.
