So here's the thing I feel like you're overlooking. I am reporting much of this stuff live as it's coming into view. I hadn't put two and two together about my vow to not divorce until yesterday with IC. For me this is deep emotional stuff. Stuff that I've had tucked neatly away for my entire adult life.
Oh, ok. I get it. I was so aware of what was driving me, even while in my marriage.
In contrast, you are now discovering what drives you. I think it is essential and good but you are on a fast track because while digging in the past and illuminating your motivation is important, really you have quite a load to deal with logistically in the present. That is a lot of why I think MWD recommends solution based therapy.
But I am glad that is clarified. I do remember imparting my history on here and how it correlated to my fear of divorce. I think I needed to go through all of that but it took months...eventually, it didn't matter so much because it was me explaining and rationalizing why I was basically f*cked and could not deal or accept. There is a balance. It is good that you are in IC. I hope he can help you to get in the present and in a clear position to handle what is coming.
