Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello (((((Cas))))),

I am very happy to hear the surgeon's visit went well and you are feeling so much better. It has been a long recovery.

Happy also that being back on the job is energizing for you. Like all work, it has good and bad days. I for one am happy to have a place to go everyday again. I had 18 months off and it is welcoming to be back out in society.

I have just read back thru since my departure around 8/26/09. Not that my advice is right on and I have certainly not been a success, I am in favor of no contact.

I have given this quite a bit of thought of late and you know why. Our situations have grown very stale. Without a shake-up of sorts nothing will change.

To me, here goes.....I am going to ramble, sorry if this comes out of left field and seems a bit confusing. I am confused and struggling with my choice.

With contact of any kind it is purely cake-eating (even without sex). When we have contact they are getting a satisfaction from it. They are getting an emotional need met. They have no reason to make a change. The emotional need could be as simple as being friends with us and the thoughts that what they are doing is not wrong with us. The thoughts that we are in complete agreement with how they are living their lives and how they are treating us and our children. I don't mean that they are happy, they aren't. They are miserable. They do have all the options though. We have stunted ours.

I have come to realize that they will not make a change until they lose control of us. They have to lose us. They have to miss us and mourn our departure. They believe that they are in full control over all. Their freedom, their OW and even us. Most importantly.......us. They have the world by the a$$.

By us not making contact we are making a statement. Actions speak louder than words. If we make no contact then they will wonder where we are at emotionally and stage wise. They will wonder about our lives. When we make no contact they are losing control of.......us.

It has taken me over 4 years to learn lessons here. I think I am right. Not all WAH are the same. Every situation must be treated differently and there is no guess how the outcome will be ultimately. It does appear to me though that yours and mine are quite possibly in the same place. I read of a few others who could join us.

The longer our sitches linger the less likely a reconcilement will take place. My take on this is simple. Our H's become very comfortable with their cake-eating lifestyle. They reach a point where the freedom to be here or there, to speak with this one or that one, to sleep, eat, work, drink, whatever......is the drug. They cannot ever imagine having to be accountable and responsible for more than themselves. Freedom and control are the drugs. They become addicted and down right comfortable. The thought of returning to what was is crippling. The fear of the same drives them back into the tunnel rapidly.

I have come to realize that H doesn't want to D me. I can't for the life of me answer why. His actions speak (reek)of D. The conclusion I have drawn is it is freedom to be in control. No one is forcing him to make a choice. The dumba$$ OW has no more control over him than I do. This is purely selfish and self-serving on his part. He is getting a fix from the drama. He is feeling like the "big man". Reality is that he is pathetic, and viewed that way.

I am learning how to take control back. I am obviously a slow learner.

I think the Julia is right that we have reached Stage 2. I don't want to settle in Stage 2 land. I want my marriage restored or I want complete and total separation. I am powerless to fix anything at this point, H could very well be happy in Stage 2 land and not want more. I have thought of this a lot and think this to be true for now. H cannot have my friendship and value my communication....that is H getting his wants and Sanderika getting more of the same which is crippling to me. I have lived with an adulterous H for far too long. If I do nothing, nothing will change. I have to do something.....D is the answer for me.

My rambling is out of control as are my thoughts.....I am trying to make a point and hope it is coming across ok. I am trying to move on. I am trying to consider all my options for my future life. A life without H in it at all. I read here and have read before that Coach Jody says that some couples have to D to find each other again. I believe that one for sure. I should call her. I have two sessions all paid for that I have not used. I am afraid it's too late. I don't believe there is anything left here.

(((((Cas))))) we might be in the same place right now (?).

Enjoy your weekend with your girlfriend, get out on the town and do it right.....you deserve a whooping it up good time.

Sanderika