I suppose you are correct Dia. Either way, I am in our big comfy bed.
I over heard wife talking on the phone about the medical stuff the last few days. She used the term "we" as opposed to "me" when discussing how the last few days went. I think that's a good thing.
It's odd right now - if someone who knew nothing were to walk into our house and observe, they would think everything is fine.
I am still giving her space, (but helping her whenever needed), not saying ILY, and making a real effort not to do the little things that I know she dislikes.
There has been no R talk since she came home and as much as I would like to know what she's thinking, I will try to keep it that way.
Seems to be no issue with wife and I sleeping in the same bed. There is no physical contact of any kind, but at least I have made that goal - somewhat by default, but still it's a goal made.
I also sorta achieved a goal yesterday. I went grocery shopign with my wife. I had to somewhat invite myself, but my wife did wait while I showered and we did go together. She really needed someone to go with her since she is still very ill, and our d18 was sick too, so I won't count this one as a real victory.
I kept to myself a fair amount all weekend, but also watch tv with wife and played scrabble with her. It's much like we are roomates, but better than were we were a couple weeks ago.
No R talk of any kind. Being very careful no to mention anything about the future - other than a brief comment about annual XMAS vacation. Looks like we will be going as usual.
Not sure where to go from here. Just keep living "as if" and keeping up the changes and wait for her to say/do something? Thoughts???
Considering my wife's current illness and her grandmother being terminally ill, I have been trying to be caring, helpful, nice to my wife while at the same time being somewhat de-tached. I'm wondering if this is right though.
Since we will be living in the same house for at least a few months, I thought it best to live well together for everyone's sake. Also, really being there in troubling times has not been my strength in the past. So, "being there" is a 180 of sorts - at least in my wife's mind.
Am I doing the right thing by "turning into the caring, doting husband" (to quote my wife's text from last week), while at the same time being self reliant, positive, and in no way needy? I hope you understand what I am trying to ask.
Since there has been no R talk and daily life is smooth (but wife remains somewhat distant) my current approach seems to be working. I am as happy as can be considering the situation, so it does work for me - but am I sending confusing signals?
Am I doing the right thing by "turning into the caring, doting husband" (to quote my wife's text from last week), while at the same time being self reliant, positive, and in no way needy? I hope you understand what I am trying to ask.
Since there has been no R talk and daily life is smooth (but wife remains somewhat distant) my current approach seems to be working. I am as happy as can be considering the situation, so it does work for me - but am I sending confusing signals
You are taking care of yourself and at the same time loving your wife. What's confusing?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The caring husband is a self admitted 180 for you, and it seems to be working. Do the things that help your situation and do not do the things that hurt.
I myself moved back into our marital bed after 2 nights of being in the guest room at her request. It was my realization that this was her decision to try to break up our family and she could move out if she wanted. This was my first step into being the man of the family.
It sounds that you have issues of true giving which is wanting nothing in return for what you do for her. When you reach that state of mind of true giving, then the rewards are great. At least in my S it has been.
Coach - I know it seems obvious that it's the right thing - but my concern is that my wife will believe I think everything is fine, when in her mind it absolutely isn't. With my wife, I know that could create major problems. I mention this a lot, because it is fundamental in our situation.
but my concern is that my wife will believe I think everything is fine, when in her mind it absolutely isn't.
So you are mind reading what she thinks you believe and then you mind read for her??!!
Real simple fix. You want to know what she is thinking just ask. You think she doesn't understand your POV then very calmly state it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What am I doing? Mindreading. No point in that. Thanks.
I would love to know what she is thinking, but right now is not the right time to ask, since that could lead to an R talk. At some point, I will remember to calmly, simply state my POV.
For now, I need to focus on the fact that things are better than they were 4 weeks ago when I returned here.
I made a mistake yesterday and need to note it here for future reference. I stopped by my wife's work to check on how she was feeling (read this thread - she is ill) since I was right across the street. While there I commented on how good she looked and also did so later during a brief textversation. Her response via text - "oh well". I realized it made her angry, since her body may have looked great, but that's it, since she her face shows her illness. As I mentioned before, she has an issue with me wanting her just for her body at the best of times. So..note to self - STOP MAKING COMMENTS THAT COULD BE TAKEN AS SEXUAL, NOT SIMPLY COMPLIMENTARY.
Today marks 4 weeks since I returned to this site. I don't think my dbing is going as well as it did 4 years ago, but it's still early and I have time on my side. Today, I am going to do some reading of other books mentioned here, re-read some of DB and DR and do a complete evaluation of how I am doing working on me.
If I look at the overall picture, things aren't too bad. We are being civil and living in the same house. I am sleeping in our bed and I am physically better than I have been in some time. I don't have that inner peace I managed to find last time, but will work on it.
Still looking to reach 3 goals in regards to relationship with wife;
1. A touch from her as she walks by - just a simply expression of feeling.
2. The good bye hug that is customary when she leaves home in the morning before I do.
3. Be invited to run an errand with her. Being part of a simple daily task would be a stepping stone. Being asked to go grocery shopping with her would be the ideal. There is an explanation, but not needed.
