So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.
LOL...IC went really well. I have the most awesome guy. He sees right through my personal analytic s, excuses, rationalization, etc. and calls me on it. There seems to be two things going on at lleast that was the conclusion after today...its really not the DBing techniques. IC and I discussed today and zeroed in on the combination of ego/jealousy/control and the fact that my PA was ended not because we didn't care about each other but because it was wrong. Perhaps a subconscious feeling about going back to that relationship if W and I are really really finished forever is making it hard for me to make a long-term commitment to the uncertain situation in front of me. I'm not sure if that makes sense because I'm not sure I understand it fully myself. Make any sense?
Sort of. I just don't understand your fixation with making a long term commitment to an uncertain situation. That doesn't really make sense (at least semantically). Read what we are saying in so many different ways here. Even the "About Last NIght" movie reference...it isn't over often even when you commit to it being over. That is part of your very natural and understandable urge to control. But, why not deal with what you have in front of you? You're not about to go marry the OW are you? Go slow, deal with one thing at a time. Is any of this resonating with you? What stands out to you? What can you do about it?
when I was 3 or 4 my mom took me to a softball game where the man she was having an affair was playing. She told me I couldn't tell my dad. I remember it vividly. My parents ended up divorcing and I swore I would never do anything like that, ever. I am known for making decisions and sticking to them. W says that's why she was so dumbfounded when I left and why we knew she should give up when I said I was finished. When I make up my mind, its made up. My family and kids are very important to me. I know that they will be OK regardless but I also know they will suffer immensely from a broken family. There's no way around it. Does that give you some ideas?
I feel like you haven't really paid attention to my sitch, so let me recap. The idea of divorce made me want to kill myself. Having my kids go through what I went through was unacceptable to me. The idea that H and I could separate and come back together after all the damage done was unfathomable. I have changed. Try to stop talking about how you are...and when you're done you're done, that has already been disproved. This is a new life, a new you, new territory. Let go. It is your biggest challenge. There is so much peace in surrendering and abandoning the notion that you know and are in control of the outcome here. That is my best advice. Move on, move forward. You have so much to deal with that involves your W. You are no where near done, this is the beginning in many ways. You're getting good advice here. Stop letting the voices in your head drowned out the possibilities.
So RSF- How was IC? What do you think of the substantive issues addressed here on your thread? We can't be "suckers" indefinitely.
LOL...IC went really well. I have the most awesome guy. He sees right through my personal analytic s, excuses, rationalization, etc. and calls me on it. There seems to be two things going on at lleast that was the conclusion after today...its really not the DBing techniques. IC and I discussed today and zeroed in on the combination of ego/jealousy/control and the fact that my PA was ended not because we didn't care about each other but because it was wrong. Perhaps a subconscious feeling about going back to that relationship if W and I are really really finished forever is making it hard for me to make a long-term commitment to the uncertain situation in front of me. I'm not sure if that makes sense because I'm not sure I understand it fully myself. Make any sense?
Sort of. I just don't understand your fixation with making a long term commitment to an uncertain situation. That doesn't really make sense (at least semantically). Read what we are saying in so many different ways here. Even the "About Last NIght" movie reference...it isn't over often even when you commit to it being over. That is part of your very natural and understandable urge to control. But, why not deal with what you have in front of you? You're not about to go marry the OW are you? Go slow, deal with one thing at a time. Is any of this resonating with you? What stands out to you? What can you do about it?
when I was 3 or 4 my mom took me to a softball game where the man she was having an affair was playing. She told me I couldn't tell my dad. I remember it vividly. My parents ended up divorcing and I swore I would never do anything like that, ever. I am known for making decisions and sticking to them. W says that's why she was so dumbfounded when I left and why we knew she should give up when I said I was finished. When I make up my mind, its made up. My family and kids are very important to me. I know that they will be OK regardless but I also know they will suffer immensely from a broken family. There's no way around it. Does that give you some ideas?
No, I do not know how this correlates. Your mom shouldn't have put you in that position and nothing about the advice you are getting here indicates that you should ever do such a thing. I think you are diverting from the meat of the matter here.
No, I do not know how this correlates. Your mom shouldn't have put you in that position and nothing about the advice you are getting here indicates that you should ever do such a thing. I think you are diverting from the meat of the matter here.
I vowed never to divorce anyone A&K. I told myself that when I was a little kid. In my world, its really big.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I vowed never to divorce anyone A&K. I told myself that when I was a little kid. In my world, its really big.
RSF...sounds a little naive IMO. Are you saying if your W was a crack smoking whore who slept with her dealer for drugs, beat your kids and gambled your life savings away...you'd stay with her because of a vow you made to yourself. You'd keep that vow, but couldn't keep the one you made to her. You're not in a position to take the moral high road are you? Not trying to piss you off, nor am I judging you, just trying to help you keep your head on straight.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
This is moot. She wants a divorce. How you feel about divorce (which is exactly how I feel/felt about it) is beside the point now because we live in a country in which one is free to divorce if he/she chooses.
Is the point that you want us to understand how hard it is? I've told you, I truly contemplated killing myself. I was absolutely devastated, depressed, arguing my case with those around me as to why it was horrible and not acceptable.
But here I am. Here we are.
This conversation should be IMO about the reality of what is happening, how you can best handle it and be okay. You will need to really breathe and work on your perception of what is happening.
I feel like you haven't really paid attention to my sitch, so let me recap. The idea of divorce made me want to kill myself. Having my kids go through what I went through was unacceptable to me. The idea that H and I could separate and come back together after all the damage done was unfathomable. I have changed. Try to stop talking about how you are...and when you're done you're done, that has already been disproved. This is a new life, a new you, new territory. Let go. It is your biggest challenge. There is so much peace in surrendering and abandoning the notion that you know and are in control of the outcome here. That is my best advice. Move on, move forward. You have so much to deal with that involves your W. You are no where near done, this is the beginning in many ways. You're getting good advice here. Stop letting the voices in your head drowned out the possibilities.
A&K, I am paying attention though I admit I still get some of the stuff confused. Especially stuff I've read several weeks back when I was much less focused and reading a little bit of everything.
I'm a little hesitant to say this on a forum full of folks struggling with very emotional issues...LOL...but some of the posts were not here last night including this one. But your post following this one was there and I read it!?!? Weird.
So here's the thing I feel like you're overlooking. I am reporting much of this stuff live as it's coming into view. I hadn't put two and two together about my vow to not divorce until yesterday with IC. For me this is deep emotional stuff. Stuff that I've had tucked neatly away for my entire adult life.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
This is moot. She wants a divorce. How you feel about divorce (which is exactly how I feel/felt about it) is beside the point now because we live in a country in which one is free to divorce if he/she chooses.
Is the point that you want us to understand how hard it is? I've told you, I truly contemplated killing myself. I was absolutely devastated, depressed, arguing my case with those around me as to why it was horrible and not acceptable.
But here I am. Here we are.
This conversation should be IMO about the reality of what is happening, how you can best handle it and be okay. You will need to really breathe and work on your perception of what is happening.
It is hard, believe me I speak from experience, but it's alot harder if you fight it...internally I'm speaking of. If this is truly what she wants, it's going to happen. This is the answer for her right now, doesn't mean that can't change. It won't happen overnight, you've got time. Live your life, let her live hers, enjoy your kids and see how it unfolds.
I can also tell you from experience that as much as getting divorced sucks, you will get past it, move on and be happy...if YOU choose to. You can choose to fight her on it (which will not help your chances or change anything) and you can choose to continue to fight yourself on it (which again is futile). Accept it for what it is right now.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
WE CAN HELP YOU SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE - EVEN WHEN YOUR SPOUSE WANTS OUT.
(from the top of the page)
If my marriage fails, I'll be fine. I have lots of friends. I have plenty of opportunities to date. I love my children and love spending time with them. I've awakened to a new appreciation of life, especially my life. Most of all I'm appreciative of the people here who have stepped up to support me and help me. Still at the end of the day I'm looking to save a marriage. At times I feel like that is getting lost. Does that make sense? Call me on it if it doesn't.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
So here's the thing I feel like you're overlooking. I am reporting much of this stuff live as it's coming into view. I hadn't put two and two together about my vow to not divorce until yesterday with IC. For me this is deep emotional stuff. Stuff that I've had tucked neatly away for my entire adult life.
Oh, ok. I get it. I was so aware of what was driving me, even while in my marriage.
In contrast, you are now discovering what drives you. I think it is essential and good but you are on a fast track because while digging in the past and illuminating your motivation is important, really you have quite a load to deal with logistically in the present. That is a lot of why I think MWD recommends solution based therapy.
But I am glad that is clarified. I do remember imparting my history on here and how it correlated to my fear of divorce. I think I needed to go through all of that but it took months...eventually, it didn't matter so much because it was me explaining and rationalizing why I was basically f*cked and could not deal or accept. There is a balance. It is good that you are in IC. I hope he can help you to get in the present and in a clear position to handle what is coming.
