You're right, as always, Stronger. It was his crap. The problem is, IT'S ALWAYS HIS CRAP LATELY!
I did stay calm. I'm proud of myself. 180. The old me would have fought with him. I did feel like I was sitting at dinner with two children having tantrums (S4 actually was). H yells at dinner how stressed out he is, how work is not going well, he didn't get to go to the gymn, how Friday night dinner is a "waste" b/c S4 has tantrums each time and so how can it be important. H has a standing Friday night game (he's a typical nerd - does role playing games) so he is always in a hurry. H threatened to call off Friday night dinners.
I did my 180 and said I'd be happy to talk about it sometime when we were calm and look at the options. With H gone, I feel more than ever these dinners are important for structure - even if S4 is fighting it for now. If we keep it up, S will come around. But H doesn't want to hear it.
I did my listening and validating - pretended I was a "friend" or "third party" by acknowledging that he's stressed on Fridays, it was a hard day, and coming for dinner is hard when it seems to not be "working" for S to provide structure. I did it, people. 180! By the end of dinner, everyone was a tad calmer.
The problem I have is him getting his way all the time. I know I have to validate, hear his needs, empathize, not fight, etc. But he's still just yelling and inconsiderate. I feel awful inside. This is exactly what caused me to be miserable in my marriage in the first place before the bomb. There's little acknowledgement of my needs and feelings and this is really trying my patience. I know I have to be patient, light, positive, go on with my life anyhow, but I'm miserable.
Tomorrow - Saturday. H was going to take S4 flying (he's a pilot) and I was not invited. Said he needed time to himself. He has been working late nights and his car is broken etc etc it's the same story every day. He's stressed out and I'm being empathetic, not asking for anything. I though H was going to return with S tomorrow afternoon and spend the day with us, but he said he wanted to go to the gymn. I asked if he would be here for dinner. He said he didn't know, may go out, may need time to himself.
At first I did a no-no, I said, "you're just going to take off?" out of surprise b/c I thought the plan was to return. He got upset (presumably b/c he feels I was controlling, and that I wasn't being empathetic at how stressed he is and how he needs a break. Under it all, he feels I used to go out 4-5 nights per week to rehearse or do plays, and H feels it's "his turn."
So I'm doing what I'm supposed to do - I backed off and said, "I understand, you should take some time to yourself. You need to relax." I tried this as a 180 - and to validate.
If I'm doing everything right, why does it feel so awful? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel this is going nowhere?
I'm considering throwing in the towel, folks. This is so painful. H gets to come and go as he pleases, yell as he pleases, and I get to sit and validate and not be heard. Maybe I should just fight for a D and get the best I can and move on.
Needing some inspiration here people, I don't really want to give up, it just feels so hopeless tonight. Needing a little coaching.
