So you think that is part of it, that she is so unhappy with herself that she wants to bring me down too. Esp since she feels like I probably caused her to be in the situation she is in.
Yep. With the WAS, everything wrong in her life will be your fault. Expect it.
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I do need to keep working on myself and not try to engage her in conversations at all. Any suggestons on improving the self confidence? I am sure no matter how SC I feel I probably need to "display" lots of it when I am around her huh? How should I act? What do you say?
I think you need to be polite. Don't ignore her when you are around her. Just treat her like a friend. I know you don't feel like that right now.
As for the self confidence, do you have an exercise routine? I got back into lifting weights. I stepped up my running. I really started watching what I was eating. Dropped 25 punds. I feel great. Also, flirt with women when you have the chance. This helps boost your ego.
I have read some great books that you should consider either picking up online or checking out at a local library: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Learned Optimism." Oh, and if you are inclined, the Bible is not too shabby either.
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What kind of things have you heard WASs saying and is there an average time it might take them to recover? I am sure it varys, but just curious.
I don't want to be with you anymore. I love you but I'm not in love with you. We are just incompatable. Everything will be great b/c we're going to be great frineds. I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. My feeling aren't ever, ever, ever going to change. Maybe I can find someone who will make me happy. And the list goes on and on.
As for a time period, no way to know. Really.
Ok, want another list (which I pirated from someone else, Sandi, I think). Here's a good Do's and Don't when dealing with a WAS:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
