you didn't have to apologize...because it isn't you that makes him feel that way (if I may speak for Coach a sec)
I had to dig around for this one, I have lived this, maybe it will sound familiar:
Join His Pity Party The Crazy-Making Husband
If The Crazy-Making Husband is your mate, in your home, every day, and every night, there's a party going on. Living room, kitchen, bedroom -- the setting doesn't matter. The party is what matters, to The Crazy- Making Husband. It's his Pity Party! That never-ending party in his head.
So don your party hat, and join him in his frenzy.
But before you do, make sure you comprehend one essential fact: the party is just for him.
Don't feel left out -- you're the main attraction. Why? He couldn't hold his Pity Party without you! As his wife, you're the sole reason he is miserable, angry, broke, withdrawn, unreliable, overburdened, contemptuous, ill-mannered, downtrodden, unfaithful, obese, nasty,resentful, disrespectful, unemployed, depressed, alcoholic and/or addicted.
Despite his many woes, at heart, The Crazy-Making Husband is a party man. And what better way to stir up and energize his persecutory thinking and feeling, than to celebrate his awful 'lot in life'? With gusto, he toasts to his marital miseries. To the unfairness of his burdens. To the deprivation, indignities and losses he sustains as your husband. What is the favorite toast of The Crazy-Making Husband? To the wounds you've inflicted, with each and every word you've ever said.
Don't worry, if you can't make it to his party. He's planned on it. That's why he constantly invites the whole world to join him.
If, however, you do attend, be prepared for a workout. There's so much you'll be doing! You'll rock and roll to the rumbles of his rage. In between dances, you'll eat Humble Pie. As his Guest Of Honor, de rigueur, from his swamping degradation, you must drink yourself silly.
While you party with The Crazy-Making Husband, be sure to forget there's a phenomenon known as The Healthy-Minded Husband. A man with healthy self-concern. A man who celebrates his wife.
And don't forget to forget that many wonderful marriages exist, in which genuine empathy for each other's sorrows routinely manifests. Marriages with mutual, selfless caring, with soothing, with sharing.
As you party, keep foremost in your mind that it's not fair to expect mature, decent, appropriate behavior from The Crazy-Making Husband.
Preposterous, you think? Well, then, see for yourself. Next time he holds a Pity Party, while he's busy spouting grievances, look inside The Crazy-Making Husband's mind. Pull apart his thorny thoughts. Brush aside his bluster. Search carefully. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find his core truth: he thinks that destroying you isn't a crime.
If you're persistent, maybe, alongside that truth, you'll also see: he just doesn't care. It's tit for tat, he reasons. You ruined his life, he'll just ruin yours.
Oh, what the heck. It's The New Year! You're his wife! His favorite dance partner! Tonight, when he gets home, join him at his Pity Party. It couldn't be more convenient. You won't have to travel. You don't need to get dressed up. Best of all, it won't cost you much. Only your sanity. Only your life.
Muffy Gibson is the author of THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND: His Rules And Rationalizations, Refreshingly Refuted By Reality. For details on her upcoming e-Radio Show, and to sign up for her website blog, please visit http://www.thecrazy-makinghusband.com.
I agree with what everyone has already said. You remind me so much of one of my best friends...she has entered abusive relationship after abusive relationship, not of it physical. She is now married to a man who treats her a lot like your H treats you, and she somehow believes she is the cause of it.
You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be able to set boundaries and have them respected. You are entitled to your own opinion and needs and wants and desires in a M.
You are not a typical WAS. You are putting forth effort, and you actually have a really good reason to leave. Abuse is never okay, NEVER. What is your H *really* doing to improve the M? What is he willing to do to salvage this M? How does he demonstrate respect for you and your boundaries? By masturbating in the bed beside you? By continuing with a profile on an adult website? By blaming you and your refusal to take medication on his "expert" opinion?
You deserve better, and at this juncture, your H seems unwilling to let go of his selfishness and willingness to continue to hurt you in favor of working on the M.
Your H is NOT A VICTIM. Your H could take control of his life at any time and DO SOMETHING to make the M better. But instead, he's mopey and depressed.
You deserve better. I hope you know that.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I'm glad breakaway was here to post today! I agree with every word!
I understand why you might feel that you are a WAW, but that's not even close to the truth. Being strong enough to do what has to be done in the face of abuse does not make one a WA.
You are so used to the control he has had over your feelings that it is hard for you to separate what you feel from what you think you "should" feel. For a long time you've let what you thought you "should" feel take the upper hand. It's going to take a while for you to adjust to allowing yourself to have your own feelings.
...it is hard for you to separate what you feel from what you think you "should" feel. For a long time you've let what you thought you "should" feel take the upper hand. It's going to take a while for you to adjust to allowing yourself to have your own feelings.
Oh, wow- that makes a lot of sense. I've been trying to figure out for the last couple months why I don't feel anything about the situation. I can't find any anger, disgust, sadness, I feel almost nothing- except maybe a little disappointment. That could be it.
...it is hard for you to separate what you feel from what you think you "should" feel. For a long time you've let what you thought you "should" feel take the upper hand. It's going to take a while for you to adjust to allowing yourself to have your own feelings.
Oh, wow- that makes a lot of sense. I've been trying to figure out for the last couple months why I don't feel anything about the situation. I can't find any anger, disgust, sadness, I feel almost nothing- except maybe a little disappointment. That could be it.
That's also a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
bunny, just catching up on things... I would like to put my two cents in here if you don't mind.
You and I have been dealing with H's that have some things in common, unfortunatly. However, I have said this before, when I put the boundries down about what I would accept and what I would not accept, my H either had to agree or I was gone.
My H has changed in the sex addiction department. I have been able to check emails, computer histories (he still doesn't understand that I can go back even farther than the google history), cell phone, and now cell phone internet. I have found nothing. I have looked and looked and there is nothing to find. In fact, the small pile of 3-4 dirty mags that were in his draw in the bedroom, have now found there way to the dumpster out side. He did not think I was paying attention when he took them out.
My H is doing better about not making me feel guilty because I won't 'give him any' when he request it. He is doing better at just giving affection instead of giving affection with the idea that it will 'get him more'. Also my H wants to go to C and shows up for every appt. with no fuss about it.
Now, I am still having other issues that I can only hope over time will get resolved but that is all in my sitch.
Anyway, has YOUR H done anything like this?? Has your H made this kind of effort? Is your H even listening to you about how you feel?
I see no changes, no trying, no compromising, no effort, absolutly NOTHING from your H except he's downtrodden and having a pity party.
Girl, listen to your gut on this. Do you think he is interested in changing himself to better the M or just interested in hoping that he can change you to better the M for him?
I understand making that final step, to say 'you know what, I am better than this, I won't live like this, I am done'. And then walk away. I have the same problem every day that the M is like this. I think of all that I may lose, what it will do to the kids, how will I make it on my own, and so on. I understand. It is so very hard to take a leap of faith when you have given up your faith in good things happening to you along time ago. I have not been able to take that leap of faith either. I understand your hesitation and your fear about it. But at least my H has been making changes and that gives me something to hope for.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted you to know that I am right here next to you in the same damn sinking marriage boat.
That was probably more than just two cents, but if you want to, keep the change!!
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I don't have access to his computer so I'm at a disadvantage (one exception- his email account that he uses for family communication). Although I did find out this weekend that he was logged back in to the swinger website sometime over the weekend. I thought "maybe" he had given that up since it had almost been a week since he had been on, but I guess not, I'm really not surprised.
Now to the journaling portion of the post: We go back to the MC tomorrow, and I'm anxious to see how that goes. I need to know what H's mindset is. If he thinks I'm the only one who needs to make changes, jump through hoopsnaling- , validate wrongs committed, or whatever else, (like I did 7 years ago), I am out, no more hesitation. Maybe I shouldn't put so much on one appointment, but there needs to be some movement for me. I have my list of goals/requirements ready, but I'm not sure if H does-he hasn't mentioned it, and I haven't asked.
I am afraid that H may have the same sense of entitlement that he did during our last set of troubles- that he is miserable, it's my fault and therefore he's absolved of any and all responsibility to make things better or acknowledge any wrongs commited. At least I don't believe that like I did last time. I did point out to him a few months ago during one of our discussions, how he was the one who cheated but I was the one who had to do the work to save the M, he was the one who commited a wrong but I was the one who was punished, and in fact, he actually got almost everything he wanted, I got hurt in the process, and so what was his punishment? He sure doled it out to me, the emotional withdrawal lasted a few years plus I agreed to the damn swinging. What's wrong with this picture? He didn't have answer to that one. I'm nervous he's expecting the same thing this time.
At least this time I think I can admit that he hurt me, I've had those hurts buried and unacknowleged for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel the hurt, and I'm not sure that I have yet- it's till pretty buried. At least I know it's there now. Maybe I thought it shouldn't hurt, or I deserved it, or I just couldn't admit that H would do something that would hurt me. He said at the last MC session that it goes without saying that he doesn't want me hurt. But that has not been reflected in his actions, has it? I had the impression that he thought I owed him something because he was unhappy, and he didn't really care much about my feelings as long as he got what he wanted. The hurts would go a few months in between so it would be easy for me to put them out of mind and carry on with the illusion of a normal marriage. I really clung to that illusion and I still have a hard time letting it go- you know, "cause he's not all bad..." It's a big shift in thinking that he doesn't have to be "all bad" for me to leave. The bad parts may not be all-encompassing, but they are bad enough, and I shouldn't put up with them anymore.
Last night H confirmed tonight's MC appt. He then followed up with his observations of last week's session, which were unsolicited by me. Here's the gist of the conversation-
1) Main observation: You distorted reality.
Huh? What do you mean, H?
Do you really believe what you said?
Can you be specific as to what I distorted?
You put on a show for the counselor. It was like you memorized key talking points and buzz words. You appeared like you had been coached on what to say. That wasn't the real you. You presented yourself up here, at this level, (gesturing at eye level), when your everyday self operates down here (gestures at chest level)
So I distorted reality by how well I presented myself???
Yes, that wasn't the real you.
He's not disputing the facts and concerns that I presented, he's disputing how I presented them!!! WTH!!! Gee, wouldn't 6 months of IC and reflection help me organize my thoughts?
2) We got into the topic of "medication". I think you're refusing it because you see a stigma to it or see it as a personal failing and/or just to spite me because it was my idea. And again, who knows you better than me?
Umm- me. I do. I know myself.
3) You indicated you have trouble talking to me because I have "anger issues" when the truth is you have trouble talking to everybody, not just me
No, I do have trouble talking to you when you're angry or moody.
No, it's everybody
He's an @ss. I can't wait to see how this session turns out. I guess I didn't play my anticipated role of scared deer in the headlights last time, and I really don't intend to this time either.
2) We got into the topic of "medication". I think you're refusing it because you see a stigma to it or see it as a personal failing and/or just to spite me because it was my idea. And again, who knows you better than me?
Umm- me. I do. I know myself.
Brilliant!!!!!!!! ((((bunny))))
Notice his pattern? The night before the appt he tries to shake you up with his control tactics.
Bunny, This is just brutal to read, and my W thinks I am emotional narcissistic abuser!
I don't know how you can continue to put up with this.
See the pattern here? All of this is deflection from him to YOU, trying to make this all about YOUR problems, as if he has none. This is outright emotional abuse and manipulation.
As you have been doing here, I would hope you write this down and bring to both your IC and your MC.
I would be willing to bet, if you bring this up in MC, he will deflect back to you that you just 'misunderstood' him, or he has 'forgotten' that he said that, minimize it in some way, etc, etc..
Don't give up, you deserve better than this treatment and I hope you understand that!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
