It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

..what kind of dance lessons do you do?
I do east coast and west coast swing, two step. cha cha and waltz so far
there is more i still want to learn
peace

Hey, [[[[[Peace]]]]

I have done east and west coast swing, night club two step, a little waltz and have started hustle (and am in an ongoing intermediate class for west coast swing). I have also done some very basic rumba and cha-cha, and of course merange. Not all of this is at specific lessons. The ballroom I go to, does dance nights where you get to practice all the dances, so you can pick up the ones you haven't actually taken lessons for. Last night was just such a night, and it was great! My friend has connections over on the other side of the water where we can do some more of these dances, so we are going to start going together.

I would also like to do some country dancing too, but there's not someplace nearby that teaches it...... yet.

[peacetoday]

Silent
Yes dancing was so much FUN last night
cant believe it took xh MLC toi get me to dance
I like the 2 step the best
great that you too found an outlet!
peace

[Golfgirl1]

How fun was that???

There are 3 of us heading to an 80's dance party next Sat. night...my h never danced...hated it! I was an aerobics instructor for 20 years so I absolutely LOVE it...can't wait!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, peace and GG.

Yes, I am having fun dancing and am really looking forward to doing more of it. I had to give up one of the nights for my Deep Water Aerobics for it because it conflicted, but I like the more "co-ed" and "fun" side to dancing in addition to just "exercise".

I still haven't found my niche yet (I get embarrassed easily because I am actually pretty much an introvert), but I am meeting new people and having some fun and everybody has been very nice.

I can really feel myself cycling through the different stages of grief. I've been thinking about my convo with STBXH yesterday. I really can see the man I love inside him, even if he can't. I wonder sometimes if it's jusy a fantasy, but I don't think so. He has such potential inside him! And I believe/hope that eventually he will fully come out of this phase of his life a better man. I feel that I know him better than anybody on this earth, perhaps better than he knows himself sometimes, but I know he would disagree.

But, then I see that he is and likely always will be a workaholic to a great extent. He sees things in black and white and is so judgemental! He doesn't know how really "care" for anybody. If I cry, he always felt uncomfortable. I can't ever remember him coming to me and saying "It's going to be OK, honey." If I talked to him about a problem at work, he would never be supportive and encouraging. Instead, I think he always felt that he needed make me stand on my own two feet or I would just get more "lazy" (and as I've said, I now see it as depression rather than laziness). He had this same attitude with the kids.

Don't get me wrong. I know he truly believed (and probably still believes) this is how he should be. I know he tried to do his best to be a good husband and father. But, though I would have done anything to win him back to my side, and would still like the opportunity to try, I am not at all sure he can ever give me what I need to be truly happy in a relationship. (i.e. true connection and honesty and acceptance......) And his definition of fun is going out for drinks with friends (which I enjoy too, mind you) but I now also want to do other things too...... like the dancing, or maybe kayaking, or hiking, and I don't see STBXH getting into that.

So, right now, I don't know what I hope for as far as STBXH goes, or rather as far as my "love life" goes. Of course, I would love to see STBXH have that elusive "epiphany" and really open up and become the man I believe he can be and be willing to build the R I believe we can have! But realistically....... My biggest fear, actually is finding a new love and being exstatically happy, and then having XH have that epiphany! In some ways it might feel good to have that validation, but once I give my heart elsewhere, I won't go back....... but, I don't know if I could stand looking into H's eyes and seeing love and pain and be able to hurt him.....it would kill me.

Oh, well, who knows what tomorrow holds......yep, I'm a pro at "future fu**ing"! Can't cross bridges til I come to them.

Onward and Upward.

[peacetoday]

silent
I have felt the same way
that finally xh will wake up and I will be with someone else
but so much time has passed, I dont think I would go back
GReat that you are really finding yourself
and healing
you are doing amazing
and in the end who really knows
many of us may get the validation for our x and some may try to return one day
I am ready to move further on though and going back seems not an option at this moment
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, peace.

I don't know how "amazing" I am doing, but I am slowly beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, so to speak.

At one point during our conversation, STBXH looked at me and said "I make more money than you, and that's just the way it is.....sooner or later you're going to have to live with-in your means." That statement is true, but it is so condescending!! And that's typical of the kind of thing he used to say during our M. And I definitely don't miss having to live with that!!

However, to give him his due, when I teared up (I hate it when I do that because I know he sees show of emotion as a weakness) and reminded him of how it was the loan on my retirement plan, and me giving him the majority of my bonus last year that made the payments on the dream property and bought us the time such that now we are able to "save" it for him. I told him that from the beginning I have tried to be as generous and "amicable" as I can be, and I don't deserve that treatment. In the end, he backed off.

The truth is that I know without the bankruptcy and the whole issue of "me getting it rather than creditors", I think that I likely would have had a real fight on my hands to get "support" from STBXH.

Well, tomorrow I have two consecutive dance lessons. Hustle and then West Coast Swing. WooHoo!

(((((hugs)))))

[Silent Chrleader]

So, STBXH called today and said he had some news..... he was in a pawn shop and looked down in the case and there was my wedding ring set (the one S18's friend admitted to taking from my jewelry box and then said he "lost"). I have some strange mixed feelings about this. For a split second I had a thought to just say "Well, good, I hope whoever buys it enjoys it!" (That definitely would have been a 180)

Then after I hung up from X, I started to cry. It's hard to explain, but I sorta saw losing it as a "sign" that I was supposed to let go and move on. Now.....I don't know what I am feeling really. I called the police and made a report so I can get it back and the pawn shop has it on hold for me. I wore that ring for 20+ years, and my M meant something to me. So I choose to see it as a symbol to remind me of the good things, rather than remember how it ended. I asked my D24 if she wanted it (she has a lot of issues with her dad as y'all know), and she said yes she did want it. So I will give it to her some day, and she said she will give it to GD someday.

X also went over to where S18 has been living and talked to him about why he is not coming home. X also offered for S18 to go live with him and GF. But, S18 said he wants to come back here and live with me. I talked to him and we set some ground rules, and he is coming back here on Sunday. I am concerned about how this will work out, but I will be very glad to have him home!!

X took S18 out to dinner and then drove over to D24's place to visit and see GD!! It was X's idea!! This is a big deal because, as I said, X and D24 have major issues! D24 was absolutely tickled that they "dropped by"!

Although X is still mostly cold and distant to me, I am very very grateful he is making efforts for my kids!

[peacetoday]

silent
Im glad also that your stbx is making visits with your kids
that is great and anything you continue to do to encourage it will probably make your life easier in the days ahead

Glad you are also enjoying dance classes
Ive had a very stressful week with xh and work issues mostly him
so I need to reground myslf
doing yoga and meditation
need to let go again and again and again

Im happy, cause im dancing tonight with BF
so there is some relief anyway- till tomorrow
I hope my probalems with x resolve gonna take some prayer I think

peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, (((((peace))))).

I am very glad he making an effort for the kids. It's funny though. Just a few months ago, I would have seen this as a "sign" that he is possibly moving back toward the family and might entertain a possible reconciliation......but actually I've been feeling sort of afraid of that!

If he were to say he wanted to "try again", I'm not sure I would have the strength to say "no"..... And I'm not at all sure I could ever be happy with him now......For example, I know he would never go dancing with me (I so envy you that with you BF!!!)...... but, I really don't think STBXH's subtle loosening up is indicative of anything more than he want's to "do the right thing" and gain back some of his "hero" status that he always had.....ya know?

I really need to get back into my meditation too! I have really fallen away from it, because I have been so busy, but I really do need to make it a priority. I keep telling myself I am going to sit down and make a "plan" but I never get around to it. And now with S18 moving back, it's even more important that I get more organized.

I am planning to work with S18 doing some projects to work on this house. I think it will be good quality therapeutic time with S18 to work on "building a home" together. Sort of symbolically rebuilding our lives in a way......

I'm sorry to hear your X is being a pill.......

BTW, are you in the alt?

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I got my ring back.... Cried when I saw that it really was it......S18's 'friend' is also wanted for burglary.... I've known this kid since he was 5.......so sad...... I so hope S18 hasn't gotten involved in any of that sh*t!