doodles, it's so good to hear from you. Yes, I remember that time clearly when I had a glimse of what it's like to not give a crap and to be so unsure if I even wanted H. It was so liberating, I know. And so much more stressfree. YEAP, I was thinking that and remembering what brought H back when he was totally begging to save his M. I can say he has changed back but I know now that I was the one that changed back. So, I want to work on detaching again. H is still trying to keep me in limbo saying he is "coming home" and he needs time. I realized that I have to shake up his world plans again like before to cut this "time" short.
Pup, I read tristan's thread and robx's advice. He advises dating and getting a life and seeing other people and just gaining self esteem. I've been thinking I need to date some more. Since my sep, I've had 2 dates. One was the guy I was really into, but he wasn't into me.
So, it's back to work. I think I've let my guard down a lot lately with H since we've been spending a lot more time together. But with that, I've reverted back into the purser role and I need to check myself. The good thing about DB is we at least now have that awareness. So to help myself out, I've decided to create a game. "The Game of Love", where I am tracking my interaction with H and who pursues who (ie, who calls who, who hangs up first, who text who, times when I show that I will not be disrespected etc.). I know this sounds juvenile, but it is only juvenile to the one who is being pursued. I, the pursuer, feel depleted. So my theory is that in a perfect R, the pursuit is 50/50, but I know in reality no R is 50/50 so at least 40/60 is good enough. So like tracking my points on weight watchers, I want to track my points with H. Right now, I went back to our last argument when I got the key back and from 9/9 to date, I'm losing at 30:11. That totally meants that I'm putting in three times the effort in this R than H. What an eye opener.
So today, since my game adn I was down at 8, I was truly tempted at one point to call H and then I realizaed, heck no. I don't want to give him yet another point. So I didn't. And then later this afternoon he called 2x, but I didn't answer. Then he text that I'm not answering him, so forget it. Didn't call him back I know it was about nothing. But I earned 3 points, Yippeee!!! (I totally know this game may sound silly to some but it sure is helping me to monitoring my behavior).
I was thinking that H does a lot of DB stuff without being taught DBing, but then I realized he's had more dating experience than me so of course he is winning and is better than me. But I have you guys and I may be now learning these things but I know I'm a quick learner.
So tonight, I'm going out to a dance club. Will get dressed up, look sexy, and hopefully have a good time.
Will keep you guys posted and thanks for everything.
