UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

I'm laughing Oz - "more of what works ... " Unlike the aliens, I've only got one head of hair to cut and that's the only thing that did appear to work on Thursday *lol* !!!!

Rabbit - I have done the photo of the cats thing previously and he didn't like it one bit! He said that it was emotional blackmail so, whilst I hear you, it didn't work in my case. Talking of such however, I did ask him on Thursday about the video he emailed with a cat and his comment that it was the cutest thing in the world that he had ever seen. I reminded him that his own cats do things 10 times more cute than in the video. H looked sad at that comment, got up, played with Cat15 and then picked him up, hugged him tight and kissed him. He said that he knew that his cats were much lovlier but all he meant was that in the 'internet' scheme of things, it was the cutest he had come across. H does miss the cats and he said that he had been really sad about them last week. He misses them more than he does me, that's for sure - he didn't play with me, pick me up or give me kisses!!

What I did hear from H was that he WANTS it to be all about him just now. I was saying something to him and he retorted sharply saying "see, it's always about you. I said something and you dismissed it just to tell me how that affected YOU. Well, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about ME". After having said that, he was very concerned about my latest 'injury' which is a very sore finger (sounds pathetic but it's really debilitating)!!

Hearing that H wants it all to be about him, I was mindful of affirming his words (his LL) and when H said that he was tired and looking forward to a good lie in today I decided that I would email him last evening to say that I hoped his weekend was restful. I also put in a few lines about the cats and the frog that has taken up residence on top of the pool blanket but it was light and humorous. That done, I shall now go quiet again ... and wait.

This is the clincher for me though - I have to work on listening and saying more about him. I think that it's all too easy to become embroiled in our own misery and when the WAH is here, they get both barrels instead of seeing the opportunity - I missed the mark totally on Thursday but typing this now, I see what I should have done. Doh! Positive side of this is that I know there will be another opportunity - just don't know when it will be.

Yes Oz, trying not to dwell is the hardest part. I was only thinking yesterday that I wish I had a $ for every moment that I have spent thinking about him since the end of May. Literally, I don't think there's more than 5 minutes in a day where he is not constantly on my mind. I always knew that I loved him but this is so torturously painful, loving someone so damned much and your love being totally unrequited.

Today is library morning with J. We are then going for coffee on the beach front. It's a bit 'samey' but at least we are out and getting some fresh air. Another wet spring day here and I just think what a waste it is that H is rattling around on his own, lonely as I know that he will be, and me here this afternon, rattling around in our big home, lonely too. What's wrong with this picture????!